Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyers on a flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is walking along the ...

A man is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. 

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." 
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." 

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.

The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" 

The man looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $200 breasts

A guy stops over his friend’s house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one.
He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast.

She agrees and shows him the other one.

He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over.

He says "great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The meat market

A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his pork chops are $.99 a pound, when the guy across the street is selling his for $.89.

The butcher says: "Well, then, why don't you go over there and buy his?"

The customer replies: "He doesn't have any left."
"Well, that's nothing," the butcher says: "when I don't have any, I sell mine for only $0.79!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dream job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A funeral service is being held...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. 

They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. 
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So the Heaven must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trick of the trade

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.
Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”

Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”

Bob got his desired raise.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. 
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" 

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Man Hot Mama

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.
The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wise old gentleman retired a...

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. 
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. 

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. 

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. 

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." 

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. 

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" 

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" 

And the old man enjoyed peace. 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two hikers were walking through...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynaecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fast Car?

This man had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a moped stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the man if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said

"oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"

Of course the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. When the light changed, the man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.

"No! it couldnt be the boy on the moped could it?" He asked to himself.

Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the moped!

Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to let the boy catch up so that he could find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said..

"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Degrees....
 

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Superbowl Tickets

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did I say he was dead?

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wonderful idea

Jen's friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.

"When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it," says Jen.

The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.

"How did it go, then?" asks Jen.

"Wonderfully!" beams Amy. "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The end of the ham...

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Ladies and the Flasher

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man placed some flowers of ...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man is walking along the ...

A man is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. 

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." 
The man thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." 

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.

The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" 

The man looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Surprised in Hell

My 10-year old son asked me, "There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven is going to fill up?"

I replied, "No, that's most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they'll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lost

A drunk man was walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth.

A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”

The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.”

The police officer said, “Sir, do you know your zipper is down?”

The drunk replied, “Damn, I lost my wife too!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Your husband gets it double!

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp lying on the sidewalk.

She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...

"I want to be rich!!!"

So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!

The woman then thought of a second wish...

"I want to be beautiful!!"

So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.

"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"

The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision....

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A brunette who really hated blondes ...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a clinic to have ...

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.

She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hair Too Long

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel -- religious fanatic.

Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss -- unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch -- one of 12 brides.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Olive

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. 

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive. 
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whiskey no worms

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will you marry me?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dentist was getting ready to...

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That hard!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Antartian woman came into a...

An Antartian woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" Then five more Antartians came in and started to do the same thing.

Then three more Antartians came in, and one of them had a Barney puzzle. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'yeah yeah!'?"

Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours and it says 2-3 years." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.

She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

She said officer no matter where I turn there is a tree if I turn left, right, there is a tree.

The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Red truck

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire.

He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,

"Hurry over here, muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: No payment for six months

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The chicken or the egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Gifts

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox.

That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a blonde. She had never...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip!

She tried to grasp the horse’s mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup!

She was at the mercy of the horse’s feet, and right before she was knocked unconcious.... the manager of Wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off.

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde and Psychiatrist

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Snail

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magical Frog

John went to the doctor one day. " Dr. I don't know what to do. The women are scared of me. My penis is too long. What can I do?" The doctor measured it and it was 24 inches long.

"Well, you have 2 choices. One, you can have it surgically downsized. Or two, you can go ask a certain frog to marry you." The man instantly said, "I'm not asking a frog to marry me!" "It's okay, he will say no. But it's a lot easier than cutting it."

So the doctor gave him directions, and he drove to the pond. He saw the frog, and said, "Frog!" The frog said, "what?" John asked, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "no." His penis shrunk 6 inches. He noticed this, and decided that 2 more times would be good. He asked again, and again it shrunk 6 more inches. Then he asked a 3rd time. "Frog!"

The frog turned, and disgustedly asked, "what do you want?!" John said, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"