Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: To impress his date, the young...

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter.

"That’s the owner."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A businessman boarded a flight...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that the tribes have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A college student picked up his...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reward

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented: "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied: "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Guess It Works

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, 
"I've been a little sick to my stomach." 

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" 
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" 

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." 
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. 
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately." 

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." 
As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? 

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps.

As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Having a Beer

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Raising the mast

At the yacht club, a guy leered at a girl. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Automobile Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!” To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: On his first day of classes at...

On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.

The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.

Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "

The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Do Men Always

 

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?” 

To which the doctor handily responded, “To avoid criticism.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Door #3

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replies, "I have a drinking problem." 

So the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door. He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there and the guy says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." 

The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door. Then he asks the last guy why he was there and he replies, "I’m a pot smoker.” 

So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot. In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again!" 

So the devil sends him to heaven. He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says, "I will never look at another woman again!" 

So the devil sends him to heaven. Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, "Hey man you got a light?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.

The dog is a brilliant piano player. “He plays all the standards” He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes, when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him out “The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says, “That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri. 

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Furniture

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" asks the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why So Many Times?

An elderly couple is in a dingy theater, watching a porn movie over and over. After the last showing of the day, the usher who is cleaning the theater can’t resist saying to them, “You folks must have really enjoyed the show.” 

“Not at all,” the elderly gent says. “It was disgusting.” 

“Revolting,” add his wife. 

“Then why did you sit through it so many times?” 

“We had to! We had to wait until the house lights came up,” the wife responds. “We couldn’t find my underpants, and my husband’s teeth were in them.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's with the Numbers?

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them. Periodically the numbers are being called over the p.a. system. Curiously, the guy asks the bartender, "What's going on?" 

So the Bartender breaks it down saying, "It's simple, you order a drink you get a number. If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!" The guy says, "I don't believe it, sounds like bullshit to me." 

Some drunken guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, my wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes!"

 

[worldangel]

The 20,000^th post

 

Joke: Shut Up Said the Devil

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." 

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Which Does He Choose?

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. 

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. 

Which one does he end up marrying? 

The one with the biggest boobs. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let Me Hear Some Words

“Did you pick up any Italian on your vacation?” the accountant asked her girlfriend from sales as they waited for the coffee to brew. 

“I sure did,” enthused the recently returned saleswoman. 

“Let me hear you say some words.” 

“Words? Oh, I didn't learn any words.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Get Too Mean

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already busy bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer, and have one yourself!" 

The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. 

The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Incomplete Sentence

It was Memorial Day celebration, and the senator used the occasion to announce, “I am going to go to the presidential convention and run as a favorite son!” 

Listening to the speech, one man said to another, “Did I miss something, or did that jerk forget to finish the sentence?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It Will Release Automatically

A farmer once ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. 

Soon he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line. 

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?” “Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once its collected two gallons."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not So Loud

Two friends are standing at a whorehouse door. The first one says, “I heard half these broads have the clap and all of ‘em are thieves.” 

The second friend says, “Not so loud, or they won’t let us in.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Several Times A Night

A researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.

He asked the man, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly.’ Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’.” 

“That’s right,” replies the man, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are the Hangers For?

A redneck opened his toolbox. It had 1 roll of duct tape and 14 coat hangers. 

His friend asked, "What are the hangers for?" 

The redneck replies, "For everything the duct tape don't fix."

[worldangel]

Joke: You Want, Yes?

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. 

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You want, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal. 

“You bet!” was the excited reply. 

“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Your Place or Mine

When Good Pick-Up Lines Go Bad... 

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." 

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." 

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." 

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Yours or Hers?

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway. 

“And who was that?” questioned the wife. 

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly. 

“I see,” said the wife. “Your profession or hers?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking the Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" 

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Greater Effort

The announcement of the professor’s new book on astrophysics and his wife’s new baby appeared almost simultaneously in the newspaper. 

Upon being congratulated on “this proud event in the family,” the professor naturally thought of the achievement that had cost him the greater effort. 

“Thank you,” he replied modestly, “but I couldn’t have done it without the help of two graduate students.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is it True, Dad?

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.” 

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She Took the Red

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light." 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. 

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple were asleep when ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Isn't True

A man was standing on a train platform when he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passenger, “Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay, Your wife was a great lay!” 

He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who’d done the shouting, and asked, “Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?” 

The other man shrugged his shoulder. "It isn’t really true,” he said, “but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There's A Bee

A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him and a bee went inside. 

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!" 

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe there are all the other letters too."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Illegal Use

This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire. 

In a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extinguish the flame. 

The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Do You Need?

Three guys are buying underwear at a store. The first guy goes up to the clerk. "How many pairs ya need?" the clerk says. 

"Three," the first guy says. "One for wearing, one for washing, and one for special occasions." 

The second guy goes up to the clerk. "How many ya need?" asks the clerk. 

"Seven. One for Sunday, One for Monday, you know." 

"Good reason." 

The third guy thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I like getting attention, maybe I should think of something like that." 

"How many do ya need," the clerk says. 

"Twelve." 

"TWELVE?" 

"Yeah, one for January, one for February..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Self Starter

Alphonse: “My wife and I argue a lot. She’s very touchy, the least little thing set her off.” 

John: “You are really lucky. Mine is a self-starter.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Healthy and In Good Shape

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest. 

After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?” 

"Because when I’m buying horses, I first have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape.” 

Johnny, looking worried, says, “Dad, I think the gardener wants to buy Mom.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: See Each Other in Heaven

While other people go to church every Sunday morning, Charles, a farmer, likes to sit in the village restaurant drinking wine. 

One day the priest said to him, “Charles, I’m afraid we shall not see each other in heaven.” 

A worried Charles replied, “But, father, what on earth have you done?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Secondhand Goods A bitter divorced guy bumped into his ex-wife’s new husband at a cocktail party. After a few drinks, he strolled conceitedly over to him and sneered, “So, how do you like using secondhand goods?”  “It doesn’t bother me,” said the new husband. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.”

[worldangel]

Joke: As Big As A Truck

A father and his 6-year-old son walk into a bank. When they get in line the son notices the very large woman in front of them. The son tugs at the dad’s jacket and says, "Daddy, look! That lady is huge!" 

The father replies, "Yes son, she's as big as a truck." 

About a minute later the large woman’s cell phone goes off. The ring tone more resembles a beeping sound. The kid pushes his father out of the way and yells, "Look out dad! It’s backing up!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Contested Breast Stroke

There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde who were trying to break the world record for fastest time to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. 

The brunette shows up on the other side 48 hours later. "Congratulations!" everyone shouts. Two hours after the brunette shows up, the red head appears. "Good try!" everyone shouts to her. Two weeks later, the blonde shows up. 

When everyone asked her what happened, she replied, "I don't mean to sound like a poor sport, but I think the other two women were using their arms."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Call This Progress?

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress. 

“You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon. Now I’m nobody!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Are Politics?

Little Johnny was watching TV and he heard people talking about politics. So he asked his dad, "What are politics?” 

The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family, I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes, she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you. You are the people and your little brother Danny is the future." 

Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants. 

The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capitol is screwing the working class and the future is deep in crap!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Make Me A Woman

There was a man and a woman in an elevator, and the elevator stops. 

They have 5 minutes till they die. So the woman says, "Make me a woman for the last time." 

So the man takes off his pants, gives them to her and says, "Here, iron them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Would You Like to Buy Some?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms, size extra large. 

“Yes, we do,” he replies. “Would you like to buy some?” 

“No,” she says. “But do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”