Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Fly A Kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. 

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.” 

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Up Sex

The man came to see the doctor about his constant fatigue and the doctor said, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to give up sex.” 

The man said, “But I’m a young guy. I’m in the prime of my life. How can I just give up sex?” 

“Well,” the doctor said, “you do what everyone does. You get married and you taper off gradually.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: For Next Christmas

A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas. The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.” 

To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Sometime later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?” 

“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Go In After Him

Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA. At the husband’s request they staked out the wife’s bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside. 

The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style. After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, “As long as we’re here on the case, maybe we should go in after him?” 

To this the other replied, “Great idea! Who first?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Make A Deal

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. "How is it going?" asks the farmer. 

"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman. "How is it going with you?" 

"Not so good," replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in. So if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He Wasn't Painless

"Mummy, that dentist wasn't painless like he advertised." 

"Why, did he hurt you?" 

"No, but he yelled just like any other dentist when I bit his finger."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Yours or Hers?

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway. 

“And who was that?” questioned the wife. 

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly. 

“I see,” said the wife. “Your profession or hers?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Be Gentle this Time

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.” 

The wife replied, "Okay Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." 

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest," 

"That’s not true," she replied, "but the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So Which Is It?

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” 

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the balls to say, “You are next.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sheerer Than That

At a lingerie store, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. 

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." 

"Sheerer than that." 

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." 

"I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." 

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. 

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Dog for Christmas

"Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?" 

"No, of course not, son! You will have turkey just like everyone else."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Send Her the Bottom Half

A man living in a nudist camp gets a letter from his mother requesting that he send her a photo of himself. Unfortunately, the only pictures he has are ones in which he is wearing no clothes. So he cuts a snapshot in half, and then sends the photo showing him from the waist up to his mother.  His mother is so pleased with the picture that she asks him to send one to his grandmother. The man thinks to himself, “Grandma’s eyesight is so bad these days; I’ll send her the bottom half.”  A week later he receives a letter from his grandmother. In the letter she writes, “I liked your picture, but your new hairstyle makes your nose look too long.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy, Daddy!

The policeman saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, "Daddy, Daddy!” 

The policeman pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy asked, “Which one is your father, son?” 

“I don’t know,” the boy said, rubbing the tears from his eyes. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Turning to Stone

Little Johnny was very curious, and one day he decided to sneak into a strip club to see what it was like. He waited until the bouncer’s back was turn and scurried quietly to the front of the club, where he watched the strippers dance. 

When they had removed nearly all of their clothing, he bolted out the door and ran down the street as fast as he could. He was running so fast he smacked right into a man and fell back on his bottom. “What’s wrong young man?” asked the adult. “You look like you just saw a ghost!” 

“My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone. Well I was watching two ladies and all of a sudden I felt something harden!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Like A News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." 

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." 

"Why's that?" 

"Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Better Health Plan

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. 

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." 

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. 

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" 

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Kill the Pig

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary. 

“Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.” 

Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Are These My Brains?

A little 5-year-old was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?” 

“Not yet,” replied his mother.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's Not A Hoe

In school the students were learning about gardening tools. The teacher held up a picture. She called on Jennifer, who said, "That is a shovel." 

The teacher said, "very good.” The teacher held up another picture. She called on Daniel. Daniel said, "That is a hose." The teacher held up another picture. This time little Johnny was the only one raising his hand, so she had to call on little Johnny. Little Johnny said, "That is a rake." 

“No,” said the teacher, "that is a hoe." 

Little Johnny was kind of upset and said, "That’s not a hoe! My sister is a ho and she looks nothing like that!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Sectors of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity. First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there. 

Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there. Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee. He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity. 

As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement, "Coffee break is over, everybody stand on your head!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Here to Feed the Alligator

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator." 

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Athlete's Foot

 Man meets woman in a bar, takes her home, strips off her clothes, and is very impressed! 

He removes his own clothes, causing the woman to redress herself. "What’s wrong?“ he says. 

“You told me you had at least a foot!” she cries. 

“No, no,” he laughs, “I said had athlete's foot!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's In Your Pocket?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. 

The bartender pours the drink and says, "Listen pal, I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket?" 

To this the guy replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Take That Back

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, “All lawyers are assholes!” 

A guy at the end of the bar says, “You better take that back!” 

The drunk man goes, "Why, are you a lawyer?" 

The man says, "No, I’m an asshole!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Our Roof and Our Furnace

Mrs. Kelly, the housekeeper was briefing the newly appointed priest on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. 

“Your roof needs repair, Father,” she said. “Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working.” 

“Now, Mrs. Kelly,” the priest began, “you’ve been the housekeeper here five years, and I’ve only been here a few days. Why not say our roof and our furnace?” 

Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting the Bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office terribly upset. “Father, Father,” she blurted, “there’s a mouse in our room and it’s under our bed!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: When Did You Start?

As they were undressing in the locker room prior to a vigorous racquetball match, Dan was surprised to see John slip off a pair of women’s panties. 

“Say, old shoe,” he said, “I hope you don’t think I’m being too personal, but, when did you start wearing ladies underwear?” 

Dan replied, “Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Lucky Night

A bench and rest her feet. A homeless man approached and said, “Well, it looks like my lucky night! I haven’t made love to a woman in years.” 

“That is repulsive,” the woman responded. How dare you say such a thing?” 

“Well, how do you expect me to react?” the homeless man responded. “You’re sitting on my bed.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, "I want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, "I want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Good and the Bad Side

A woman goes to her doctor for a physical. The doctor notices she seems a little down he asks her what’s going on. “Well, my husband has lost that loving feeling, it's been months." 

The doctor suggests she get him some Viagra. "Oh, he'd never agree to that." 

The Doctor says, "Here take a sample and slip it in his morning coffee and see what happens." 

The wife agrees and makes an appointment for the following week. She returns the following week and the Doctor asked, “How did it go?" 

The wife replied, "Both good and bad. I did what you said and while we were having breakfast I slipped it in his morning coffee. It wasn’t very long when he got that gleam in his eye and took me right there on the table. It was as wonderful as our honeymoon 30 years ago." 

The Doctor looked confused. "So what’s the bad part?" 

The wife looked at him sheepishly, "We're banned from McDonalds for life."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra for a Broken Toe

A tourist was hiking through the backcountry when he stubbed his toe hard. It immediately started bleeding, swelling and aching terribly. He returned to the nearest small town and searched for a doctor.

The doctor said, "Well, we're a very small town and my hospital isn't equipped to do the surgery that toe requires and the bus won't be through here until tomorrow to take you out." 

The tourist begged for some relief from the pain, so the understanding doctor offered him a pill. "What's this? My toe is broken and you offer me a Viagra? What good will that pill do?" 

Smiling, the doctor reassured him, “Take it before you go to bed and it will keep the blankets off your toe so you can sleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les." 
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

[worldangel]

Joke: The sensational prediction

A very learned and able astrologer was not having any success in his profession.

He decided to make a really sensational and dynamic prediction to draw people's attention and set about the task of various astrological calculations when he made a remarkable discovery.

He once again confirmed his findings and made an announcement: “In ten months from now the entire universe will go dark.”

Exactly ten months later the astrologer lost his eyesight.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A schoolteacher's son brought ...

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home.

The father said; let's see what you have accomplished.

He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades.

What do you have to say about this Johnny? Well dad at lease you know I'm not cheating.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Rabbit

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "

"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "

"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Holiday Feast

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple went to the ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[worldangel]

Joke: White hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An enterprising, but bashful sailor ...

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time. 

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan. 

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?" 

He replies, "Rick Venus" 

She says, "Lick Penus?" 

He says, "Sure how much?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Make a guess

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him. She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.

The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you.

George says: "It must be a crocodile?" 
The woman says: "Close enough"

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple was having a party at...

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time.

So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him.

But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Ladies and the Flasher

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tough times

A group of friends get together every Friday after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.

He then turned to his pal Bob and said: "Times are getting tough, my friend. Earlier today my wife told me she's going to cut me back to only two times a week. I can't believe it!"

"You think you've got it bad?" Bob retorted: "She's cut some of us guys out altogether!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost in snow

Gina got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A doctor and a lawyer were attending ...

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, 'I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?'

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good allround rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."