Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: This duck walks into a convenience ...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking along a California ...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Do You Know?

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?" 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" 

And then she went back to reading her book. 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Want My Money

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." 

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." 

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." 

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. Furious with the man the redneck screams out, "Look, I want my money. If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First time at the restaurant

I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal.

When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A pipe burst in a doctor's house ...

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Hunting

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. 

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: More Expensive than Blood

Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation? 

Because it's hand made.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Most Boring Party

“That was the most boring party I’ve ever been to,” complained the glamorous young fashion editor to her roommate. “Goodness was it dull.” 

“But you stayed quite a while, didn’t you?” asked her roommate. 

“Yes. But only because I could not find my clothes!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.

After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Things To Worry About

There are only 2 things to worry about in life... either you are healthy, or you are sick. 

If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about. But if you are sick you have 2 things to worry about... either you'll get better, or you'll die. 

If you get better you have nothing to worry about. But if you die you have 2 things to worry about... either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell. 

If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry! 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing You

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo and he keeps missing the target.

Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says, “Hi, what are you doing?" 

"Missing you," was his honest reply.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Moon or Florida

Two blondes are sitting on a porch in Montana, under a beautiful, full moon. One turns to the other and asks, " Which do you suppose is farther, the moon or Florida?" 

"Hello..." says the other Blonde, "Can you see Florida?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Gave You the Right?

One night a ventriloquist was doing a show one night in a small bar in Anakas. He was telling his usual dumb blonde jokes. 

All of a sudden a blonde got up and stood on her chair and began to say, "I've had enough of your stupid dumb blonde jokes! Why do you think you have the right to judge someone just because of the color of their hair?" 

The man began to apologize, "I'm sorry..." 

The blonde then replied, "Shut up you, I'm talking to that jerk sat on your knee!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Seen A Redhead?

The luxurious Reno hotel was engulfed in flames as the firemen battled the blaze. As the firemen attempted to rescue the guests, a man clad only in a towel came running from the hotel. “Have you seen a beautiful redhead running around naked?” he asked breathlessly. 

“No, I haven’t,” a fireman replied. 

“Well, if you do, you can have her,” the man said. “She’s already paid for.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy, What's That?

A little boy his mom and his dad are at a circus one day. The father leaves to go get a drink and the little boy says to his mom, "Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?" 

She says, "Oh that’s his trunk." 

"No, farther back." 

"Oh that’s his tail," she responds. 

"No, farther forward." 

Not sure how to answer, she says, "Oh, nothing." 

The father then comes back and the mother leaves to go to the bathroom and while she is gone the little boy says, "Daddy, what’s that hanging from the elephant, towards the middle?" 

"Oh, that’s his penis" 

"Mommy said it was nothing." 

The father looks at his son, "I've spoiled that woman."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She Must Really Love Me

Joe pulled up a stool in his favorite bar and announced, “My wife, Lorry, must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” 

“What makes you say that?” the bartender asked. 

“Last week, Joe explained, “I had to take a couple of day from work. Lorry was so happy to have me around that every time the milkman and the mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My old man’s home! My old man’s home!'”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Sort of Girl Do You Think I Am?

Old business man to a beautiful young model, "Would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?" 

“Hmmm. Yes, I think I would," she says. 

"Well," he says, "how about five dollars then?" 

“How dare you! What sort of girl do you think I am?” 

"Honey, we’ve already established that. Now we are just fixing on the price."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Have An Affair

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” John tells his friend Bob. 

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Bob suggests. 

“But what if my wife finds out?” 

“Heck, this a new age we live in John. Go ahead and tell her about it!” 

So Bob goes home and says, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.” 

"Forget it,” says his wife. “I’ve tried that, and it hasn't worked so far.” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are You Smiling At?

“I forgot my glasses last night,” he told his wife at the breakfast table. 

“Then what are you smiling at?" she inquires. 

“I remember where I left them,” he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Not What You Think

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. 

First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said, "an apple," and the teacher said correct. Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors,” and a different kid raised his hand and said, It is a notebook!" 

The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, "Ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said, "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." 

The teacher said, "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" 

Johnny said, "No, no, it's a quarter!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Day with the Hook

A man is visiting the city of Vancouver and goes down to the shore. There he see's an old man sitting on a log. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye. The visitor thinks this guy might have an interesting story to tell, so he asks him how he got the peg leg. 

The old man answers that one day at sea in the Caribbean, he fell overboard and a shark came and bite part of his leg off. The visitor then asks about his hook and the old man says that on another trip to the Caribbean, the yardarm came down and knocked him overboard. Another shark came along and bit his hand off. 

When asked about the patch over his eye, he replied, "I was in Vancouver looking up at the sky when a seagull went to the bathroom in my eye." 

The visitor asked, "That surely doesn't blind a man?" 

The old man says, "That's true, but it was the first day with the hook."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Fit Men?

A young girl walked into the drugstore and asked the clerk, “Do you fit men for jockstraps here?” 

Baffled but pleasant, the clerk replied, “Why, yes we do.” 

“Well, wash your hands then,” said the girl, “I want a chocolate soda.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She's A Real Doll

Carl was describing his new secretary cheerfully to the family at dinner, “She’s efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to boot. In short she’s a real doll!” 

“A doll?” said his wife, with a frown. 

“A doll!" re-emphasized her oblivious husband. 

At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew a little something about dolls, looked up from her plate to ask, “Does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Should Cry

A lawyer’s wife died and at the funeral service, people were appalled to see that the tombstone read, 'Here Lies Kate, wife of Attorney J. Smith, Specializes in Divorce and Malpractice.' 

After the burial, Smith burst into tears. His brother said, “You should cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.” 

Smith said, “You don’t understand. I’m crying because they forgot to include the phone number.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whether You're Here or Not

A typical macho man married a good looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

He said, “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want. And I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” 

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night... whether you’re here or not.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Thoughtful

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis, that before undressing, he snapped off the light. 

Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. 

“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light on if you want to write thank you notes.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing hair

Boss: “Sam, you are still so young. Why have you lost so much hair.”

Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”

Boss: “What worry?”

Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple was asleep when ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

 

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Right

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. 

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass." 

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rocky...

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon ...

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. 

Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. 

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" 
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A family took their frail, elderly mother ...

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" 

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." 
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No fish under ice

This happened to Linda Strauss when she decided to go ice fishing. She did a lot of research on the subject, and finally, after getting all the essential equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice." Startled, Linda Strauss moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice." Linda Strauss , now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, "There are no fish under the ice."Linda Strauss, stopped, looked upwards and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young woman had severe PMS...

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that." 

The woman went to see the gynecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!" 

He then proceeded to examine her. 

"Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coma

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. 

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. 
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" 
"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bridal

Rick, a young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decided to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week.

 

The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' '

'No thanks' says the jockey 'I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Broomtown

All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." 

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty Paddy

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.

Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bridal

Rick, a young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decided to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week.

The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' '

'No thanks' says the jockey 'I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: 50 Years of Marriage

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" 

"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." 

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" 
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." 

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cannibals capture three men. ...

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. 

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. 
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. 

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." 
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" 

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?