Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Maybe I Do Like Your Boyfriend


Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.

Father: He’s always late picking you up!

Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it.
Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?

Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!

[worldangel]

Joke: Train Accident

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The juggler


A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let’s see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Edited January 18, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 Blondes celebrate

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dad's Surprise Visit

A father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to his boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?" the voice asked.

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice: "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Maybe I Do Like Your Boyfriend

Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?

Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!

Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it.
Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?

Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!

[worldangel]

 Joke: A six-year-old boy called his

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer defending a man accused...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."

"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: "I'm in love with my horse"

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. 

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor said, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I'm...gay???"

[worldangel]

 Joke: You will spend eternity here...

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Mating bulls

 

A man takes his wife to the live-stock show.

 

They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day."

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cheek to buttocks

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage counsellor

 

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Burn patient

 

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guardian angel

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lottery

 

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: The mule

 

A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer.

A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her.

Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?"

The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sharing a blanket

 

 A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Orgasm conditions

 

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.

A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if you've had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Furniture

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" askes the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When the Rooster Stops Chasing

A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground. 

Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie. 

The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spider With No Legs

A blonde decides to make an experiment. She gets a spider, and pulls off two legs and tells it to walk. It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk. It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk. It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk. 

Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk. It doesn't move so she comes up with a conclusion. She concludes that spiders with no legs are deaf.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Friends Call Me Paddy

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. 

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" 

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" 

Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting for the Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30am, the store's opening time, in front of the store. 

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... 

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An Unforgettable Wedding Night

The bride to be and her best friend were discussing her coming wedding. “If you want an unforgettable wedding night,” her friend said, “get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony.” 

A week later, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, “Only eight of the oysters worked.”

[worldangel]

Joke: This Is My Sister

The non-commissioned officer surprised the private in the barracks with a girl. 

“Uh-uh, this is my sister, Sarge.” the private stuttered. 

“That’s okay,” the sergeant soothed. “She used to be mine.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Does She Close Her Eyes?

Two buddies at the bar, drinking away, were comparing the sexual behavior of their spouses. “Hey,” one asked, “does your wife close her eyes when you’re having sex with her?” 

“She sure does,” replied the other. “She just can’t stand to watch me having a good time.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sorry About the Scare

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293," he says. "The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOODNESS!!!" 

The intercom falls silent. A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. "I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier," he says. "But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

"That's nothing," a passenger in coach shouted. "You should see the back of mine!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Footloose

The giddy dame decided to put her cards on the table. She snuck up to the playboy at the bar and whispered, “I’m footloose.” 

He looked her over carefully and said, “The rest of you can stand tightening too.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A new apartment...

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

[worldangel]

 Joke: You will spend eternity here...

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Train Accident

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drink in cafe

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.

"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth..

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Women

There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The brunet said "No."

Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."

then before the man could finish the brunet yelled, "Earthquake!!" Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"

The red head said, "No."

Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."

then before the man could finish the red head yelled, "Tornando!!" Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"

The blonde said, "No."

Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."  then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, "FIRE!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dark

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

[worldangel]

Joke: 40th wedding anniversary

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. 

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! 

Gotta love that fairy! 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. 

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". 

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. 

The husband says: "We've got to give it back". 
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. 

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. 
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" 
She says: "No".. 

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 
But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. 
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..." 
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Husband’s nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dead Dog

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.

"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Antartian decides to try horseback ...

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when... Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off. 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young man at this construction...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Through His Stomach

“Mother,” the young woman asked, “remember when you told me the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach?” 

“Sure,” her mother replied. 

“Well,” the girl went on, “last night I think I may have found a new route.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Eggs In the Morning

The man walks up to the pretty lady at the end of the bar, ready with his (so believed) best pick-up line. 

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?" 

"Unfertilized," she answers casually, and then walks away.