Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: If It Makes You So Sick

Lisa is going on a long ocean trip. She goes to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a three-month supply of birth control pills and 100 seasick pills. 

The baffled pharmacist looks at her and says, “Lady, if it makes you so sick, why do it at all?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Rubber on the End

A couple with their 8 children and a blind man are waiting for a bus. The bus came to the bus stop and saw these people waiting. The bus driver said that he only had room for the 8 children and the wife. 

The husband and the blind man decided to walk instead of waiting for the next bus. As they were walking, the cane the blind man was using made a noise every time he took a step. The husband said to the blind man, "You know that if you put a rubber on the end of that stick it wouldn't make a noise.” 

The blind man replied, "You know that if you had put a rubber on the end of your stick we both would be on the bus."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Get Your Maw

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. 

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" 

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. 

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pop A Life Saver

Two women were discussing their heavy smoking habits. “I get such a yearn for a cigarette,” said one, “that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard.” 

“That’s fine for you,” huffed her friend, “but I don’t happen to live in a house that’s right on the beach!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Some Sex Will Help

A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and both machines jumped again. Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady’s husband and said, "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we believe that some oral sex will help your wife to come out of the coma." 

"Really?" replied the perplexed husband. 

"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy, follow me." 

The nurse led the man to his wife’s bed, and closed the door behind her when she left. A few minutes later the emergency button flashed that the lady's monitor had flat lined. The nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened?!?!" 

The husband replied nonchalantly, "I think she choked." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Public Private Parts

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. 

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. 

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, she quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. 

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bubba Had Two

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for. 

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." 

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over will you?" The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" 

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." 

"What? He had two assholes!" said the mortician. 

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Against the Law

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw you and I in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police." 

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bake Me A Cake

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" 

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. 

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" 

Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?" 

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" 

And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" 

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." 

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" 

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." 

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" 

She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanut Butter & Jelly Again!

At a construction site one day at lunchtime, three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches. The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich. "PB&J AGAIN! I swear, if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!"

The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich. " TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I’m going to jump off with you!"

The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams, "HELL, bologna again, well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!"

Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off. At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. The first man's wife cries, "If only he had told me, I would have fixed something else."

The s’ wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem...I thought he liked tuna."

But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said " well I just...just...don't understand! He made his own lunch!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The excuse

Aron goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Aron" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Aron, "I knew I could count on you!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The traveling salesman

The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has broken down, and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for the night?"

The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."

The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating Right

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Partial disability

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiring An Accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A good wife

Martin and Tina were married for some time. Lately Martin was in two minds whether Tina was a good wife to him. One day Martin took his donkey to a field near his house to get some work done. After a while he saw Tina come towards them with food for him, fodder for the animal and water for both of them. That instant he decided that Tina was a good woman after all.

But when Tina was feeding the donkey, the animal kicked her in the head killing her instantly. Martin was sorry. At the funeral his friend Dean saw some women looking at Tina and then at Martin. Martin moved his head up and down. Dean next observed some men look at the donkey and then at Marin who shook his head side by side.

Later Dean asked Martin what it was all about. Martin said: “Women looked at me to confirm Tina was a good wife, I said ‘yes'. Next men looked at me, which meant if the donkey was for sale, I said ‘No.'”

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Would Steal?

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cork Screw

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." 

"Like what?" Martin said. 
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. 
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. 
"Straight, like normal," Gary said. 

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. 
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. 
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." 

"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young and foolish pilot want...

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Thoughtful Husband

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. "Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” And, gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Good Doctor 

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: New job at the cemetery

Tom: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?

Bob: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.

Tom: What happened?

Bob: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Deep heat

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, I need something to keep me horny....keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

In a paired voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put deep heat on that."

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take the Soup

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex!”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex!”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, You Must Help Me

At her appointment with the psychiatrist, a young woman pleads. "Doctor, you must help me. It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." 

“I see," nods the doctor. "And you no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." 

"No, No!" exclaims the young woman. "I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterwards." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss, to four of his employees...

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." 
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." 

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." 

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." 

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man wakes up one morning to...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks in a bank, pulls out...

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him!

He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Physical Exam

The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.

"The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

 

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ? 
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A brunette who really hated blonde...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men were sitting on a bench ...

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis." The third man said "I died of seenus."

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fortune Teller

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. 

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year." 

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. 

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question: "Will I be found guilty?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hospital Report

Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.

When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B)

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid.

A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! 

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. 
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. 

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Great Salesman

A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.

[worldangel]

Joke: A father and son went deep-sea...

A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made an another hole for it to escape."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Demand for Strippers

There’s no demand for male strippers. No woman like, Lets go see male strippers tonight. It’s like a fun thing. There’s always a demand for female strippers.

Cause there’s always this guy, just like, Ugh, Ie had the worst day, man. Just want a beer in my hand and some tits in my face. Blah. I’m gross. No woman has ever said, I’ve had the worst day.

I just want a glass of wine in my hand and a set of c**k and balls banging against my face and head. That’s all I want.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Once poor

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to far land. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to far land, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to the far land, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man went to visit a friend a...

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This little piggy...

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Offer, Retracted.

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet  aroma of  my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget myline?" he asked.

"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fear the Most

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things.

One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like, I fear you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone.

And she was like, what do you fear the most? And I was like, Bears.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man gets home, runs into his...

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old men were sitting in the...

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling? 

John replied "I feel just like a new born babe" 
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?" 

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."