Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Making money.....

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" 

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: "Dad, where did I come from?" ...

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old.

The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.

When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No network

Jake and Mary have an agreement that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a "PHONE CALL".

One day Jake sends his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call and Mary replies; tell your father, there is no network..

Jake: tell your mother that if there is no network at home, then I'll go to a public phone..
Mary: tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I'll open a call center at home.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol 
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. 
After one day, these were the results: 

The first worm in alcohol - dead. 
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. 
Third worm in sperm - dead. 
Fourth worm in soil - alive. 

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." 
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."  

[worldangel]

Joke: Pay you to be good...

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?

Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse country

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.
He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

One of the locals spoke up on hearing this said, "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."

[worldangel]

Joke: Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I walked in to our house to find ...

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman. 

"Hello, all," I announced. 

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'. 

"The census bureau?" I asked. 

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly. 

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper. 

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked. 

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me. 

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'." 

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me. 

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump." 

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien Sex

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?"

exclaims the woman.

"Why?"

he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said.

"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde - Tracks

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The second one said "I think they are cow tracks".

The third one said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train!

 

Edited February 8, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Just a drill!

Nicholas and Brenda had been married long. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."

Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching TV. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free sex

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: An uncertain and nervous witness

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."

The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Herd of cows...

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dark

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

[worldangel]

Joke: A distraught senior citizen ...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?' 

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.' 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." 

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Debbie had a gun

Debbie was cleaning her attic one day, when she discovered an old shotgun lying in a corner. Not sure what to do with it or how to get rid of it, she called her mother in Michigan to ask what to do.

Her mother had a suggestion. "Take it to the police station," she said and put the phone down.
Within seconds, her mother called back and said to Debbie, "Don't forget to call them first and inform them you're coming."

[worldangel]

 Joke: 40th wedding anniversary

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. 

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! 

Gotta love that fairy! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dead Dog

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.

"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Guy in Town

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the ceiling". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was easily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Husband’s nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Toughest Students in School

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[worldangel]

Joke: Follow in my footsteps...

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Antartian decides to try horseback ...

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when... Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyers Brains

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Time at the

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. 

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". 

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. 

The husband says: "We've got to give it back". 
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. 

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. 
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" 
She says: "No".. 

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 
But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. 
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..." 
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrow the book

Bennett asks his friend Ernest, "Hey, can you lend me your book titled 'How To Become A Billionaire'?"
Ernest says, "Wait a minute, I'll get it for you".

When Ernest gives him the book, Bennett comments, "Thank you, buddy, but half the pages are missing!!"
Ernest replies, "So what? Isn't half a billion enough for you?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Early one morning, a mother we...

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man at this construction...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Through His Stomach

“Mother,” the young woman asked, “remember when you told me the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach?” 

“Sure,” her mother replied. 

“Well,” the girl went on, “last night I think I may have found a new route.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Eggs In the Morning

The man walks up to the pretty lady at the end of the bar, ready with his (so believed) best pick-up line. 

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?" 

"Unfertilized," she answers casually, and then walks away. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If It Makes You So Sick

Lisa is going on a long ocean trip. She goes to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a three-month supply of birth control pills and 100 seasick pills. 

The baffled pharmacist looks at her and says, “Lady, if it makes you so sick, why do it at all?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The maid’s revenge

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.

 

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Public Private Parts

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. 

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. 

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, she quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. 

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some Sex Will Help

A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and both machines jumped again. Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady’s husband and said, "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we believe that some oral sex will help your wife to come out of the coma." 

"Really?" replied the perplexed husband. 

"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy, follow me." 

The nurse led the man to his wife’s bed, and closed the door behind her when she left. A few minutes later the emergency button flashed that the lady's monitor had flat lined. The nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened?!?!" 

The husband replied nonchalantly, "I think she choked." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Early one morning, a mother we...

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A prudish lady

Josh goes to a drugstore owned by Mary, a prudish woman. He says to Mary, "Can I have two dozen condoms, miss?"

May says arrogantly, "Don't miss me, mister."

Josh replies sarcastically, "Well then, you better make it 25."