Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A Rubber on the End

A couple with their 8 children and a blind man are waiting for a bus. The bus came to the bus stop and saw these people waiting. The bus driver said that he only had room for the 8 children and the wife. 

The husband and the blind man decided to walk instead of waiting for the next bus. As they were walking, the cane the blind man was using made a noise every time he took a step. The husband said to the blind man, "You know that if you put a rubber on the end of that stick it wouldn't make a noise.” 

The blind man replied, "You know that if you had put a rubber on the end of your stick we both would be on the bus."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Get Your Maw

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. 

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" 

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. 

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager.

"Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who desperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing.

The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. "Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course." 
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" 
"Of course." 

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the charity appeal?" 
"Oh my goodness, I forgot to send off the checque." 
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pop A Life Saver

Two women were discussing their heavy smoking habits. “I get such a yearn for a cigarette,” said one, “that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard.” 

“That’s fine for you,” huffed her friend, “but I don’t happen to live in a house that’s right on the beach!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba Had Two

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for. 

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." 

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over will you?" The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" 

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." 

"What? He had two assholes!" said the mortician. 

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just a drill!

Nicholas and Brenda had been married long. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."

Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching tv. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,"OK sweetheart, this is a drill.

Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men were sitting around ...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." 

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sheep jumping over fence

Mrs. Smith, the math’s teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.

She asked the first graders, "If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Tommy.

Mrs. Smith glared at Tommy and said, "None? Tommy, what's wrong with your arithmetic?"
Tommy answered, "Mrs. Smith, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." 

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Offer, Retracted.

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet  aroma of  my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and overagain. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget myline?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fear the Most

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like, I fear you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone. And she was like, what do you fear the most? And I was like, Bears.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory storage

My grandpa, 86 years of age, went to see the doctor and asked, "Is it normal at my age to have problems with short term memory storage?"

The doctor replied, "Mr. Asher, storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man gets home, runs into his...

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I want to see something really cheap

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old men were sitting in the...

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling? 

John replied "I feel just like a new born babe" 
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?" 
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Harley Davidson joke

Sir Isaac Newton goes to a cocktail party and introduces himself to a smart looking person and asks, "Do you mind telling me your IQ?"

The guy answers, "It's 208."

"Truly amazing!" says Newton. "We will talk about the Big Bang theory and the other mysteries of the universe. I think we can have a long conversation!"

Newton then finds another man and asks him about his IQ, to which the man replies, "its 137."

"Wonderful!" says Newton. "We can discuss politics and world peace."

Newton goes to a third person asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers, "53."

Newton excited exclaims, "So it's you who owns the Harley Davidson parked out front!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What to get the wife with everything!

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Purchasing A New Bird


After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

'
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An annoyingly self-righteous man...

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. 

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." 

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" 

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." 

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. 

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." 

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" 

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been." 

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" 

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." 

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor visit...

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. 
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." 
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I have bad and very bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman was waiting in the check-out...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. 

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Personal Trainer

My sisters a personal trainer. That‘s a tough job. I don’t think I can do that.

You gotta help people with their fitness goals. Can you help me define my abs?

Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was the kindergarten teacher...

It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. 

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". 
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. 
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. 
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. 
"No," said the little girl. 

So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked. 
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Far To The Town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank Goodness, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Answering machines

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."

"Beep." "Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . .Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clean cup

There were two customers in a Cafe.

As the waiter approached them, the first customer said: "I'll have coffee."

The second customer, who was snooty, said: "Coffee for me, too. And make sure that the cup is clean!"

The waiter returns with the coffee after a while and says: "Two coffees as you ordered. Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Frugal Gorilla

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Screwed

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?" 

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter." 

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman was waiting in the check-out ...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. 

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last smoke

A prisoner who was given the capital punishment was getting ready to be hanged. A prison official asked him if he would like a last smoke.

The convict replied, "No thank you, I never smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Six Feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my Goodness, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" 

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. 

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" 
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." 
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" 
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." 

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife is better

Jake and his buddy Fred visit a brothel. Jake goes into the room with the prostitute first while Fred waits outside.

When he's done, Jake closes the door behind him and says: "Don't waste your time. My wife's better."

But Fred goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says:

"Damn, Jake, you were right. Your wife is better."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happiest day of your life...

Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing to wear

Jerry came home from office at two in the afternoon as he had forgotten to carry an important file. He found his wife without a stitch on their bed.

Jerry, obviously surprised, said to her, “Brenda, what do you think you are doing lying there like that at this time of the day?”

Brenda replied, “I don't have anything proper to wear.”

Jerry opened their cupboard and said. “What the hell………you have countless dresses, see……here's one dress……second dress……third one…...the fourth…………"hi there Tom”………here's the fifth……..”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Shopping Criminal

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trivial Pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lights Out

A religious girl, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the girl, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?" 

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." 
"Why not? " the girl asked. 
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. " 

"Nonsense," said the religious girl, "I'll just look the other way." 
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the religious girl a loud round of applause. 

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" 
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" 
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled the religious girl. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man walking along the river ...

An old man walking along the river bank suddenly spotted a boy drowning in the river.

The man started shouting "HELP! HELP! I can't swim", a man passing by the road shouted back "Will you ever grow up! I also can't ride a bicycle but you'll never hear me yelling about it in the street"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Great hooters

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There were 3 friends stranded ...

There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes.

The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can I take his place?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Writing letters to son

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cannibals

One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals.

The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won't kill you".

So the 3 people followed the orders which were to go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of your choice.

So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person held his composure however then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.

The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". However as much as he tried to restrain himself the person burst into tears laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?"

The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."