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Joke: While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Mirror, Mirror

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.


"This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Little Johnny was sitting in class...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.


Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: 100 Pounds of Dynamite

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." 


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." 


He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. 


The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!" 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Want All Female Bears


A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest, when they come across a talking mushroom. The mushroom says, "Alright, you have found me! I will give you three wishes each." 

The bear said, "I wish all the bears in the forest were females," and so it happened. 

The rabbit said, ”I want a really flashy motorbike," and so he got it. 

"I wish all the bears in the country were females,” said the bear. 

"I want a flashy helmet to go with my bike,” said the rabbit. 

"I wish all the bears in the world were females,” said the bear. Then the bear ran off in a horny fit. 

The rabbit then said, "I wish the only remaining male bear was gay."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Lousy Lover


The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!” 

The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Cold But No Shrinkage


Two old ladies are walking through a museum and get separated. When they run into each other later the first old lady says, "Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" 

The second lady replies, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing. My gosh, the penis on it was so large." 

And the first old lady blurts out, "AND COLD TOO!" 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Cowboy in barber shop

Ted, the cowboy walked stylishly into a barber shop, settled himself on the barber's chair and demanded, "I want a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face. While ted was relaxing, a woman with a lovely big pair of breasts knelt down and began to shine his shoes.


Ted commented, "Hey baby, you and I should have some fun in a motel room."


The woman replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
Ted said, "Tell him you are working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

 

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.

 

This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A woman rushes into the foyer ...

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

Yes,
says the receptionist irritably.

Excuse me, says the woman, but I
m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Head & Shoulders

 

A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Body parts

Inside this 30-year-old actor lives Stanley the sperm cell along with about a million other sperm cells. We focus on Stanley because, for once, he wants to be the sperm that fertilizes the egg.

He trains diligently every day. He swims around, lift weights, that kind of stuff. An old sperm cell comes up to him and asks the reason for all the exercise and Stanley replies, "I want to fertilize the egg." The old sperm cell tells young Stanley that if he is the one to do this he must say, "Hi, I'm sperm." to which the egg should reply, "Hi, I'm egg." then you can fertilize it.

Stanley thanks him and the old sperm wishes him luck. Finally, the big day comes. It gets warm and somewhat vibrantly inside and then they're off. Millions of sperm are swimming fiercely with none other than Stanley in the lead. He's so proud of himself. As the distance between him and the other sperm grow, he notices a big red ball.

He knows this is the egg and he swims his heart out to finish the race. He approaches the red ball and says, like the old sperm told him to, "Hi, I'm sperm." the big red ball replied, "Hi, I'm tonsil."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Sick Jones

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill.

The old lady says, "Oh my Heaven that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Elderly

A 90 year old man finally gets to see a doctor, the doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive.

The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered?

Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Farmer

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"


"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."


Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"


"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: "Well," snarled the tough old ...

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." 

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A famous lawyer, who had been ...

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.

Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person.

Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.


St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
"You are a lawyer aren't you?'
"Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Gourmet Reporter

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Dents

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. 


Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" 
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... 
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows" 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Double negative...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right.

 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the John.

He does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The mural...

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.

The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:

"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."


Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."
"Very good. And you, Justin?"
"Her t*ts!" says Justin


"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"


"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 


She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.


The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Tickets to the theater....

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I'm not drunk

A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave. Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."

The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on

you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You're a saint!"

The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.

She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It's true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."

She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."

He replies: "It wasn't me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"

He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: TGIF

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. 
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." 
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed. 


"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Morty was in his usual place in ...

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." 


His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Cat and the Sausage

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.
The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Passing a Mental Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.


The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.


The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.


To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A student comes to a young professor...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything."

His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Can I take his place?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"


The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A couple had been married for ...

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Brand New Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Blowing In A Blonde's Ear

 There was an elderly couple considering living together, rather than getting married.

The woman was concerned about sharing the same bed.

She asked her friend "Well, what about sex?"

The man replied "infrequently"

The woman thought for a moment, then asked" Is that one word or two?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Smell It In The Air

Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner, one says to the other "I think it's gonna be a good night tonight, I can smell cock in the air!"

"Sorry" says the other, "I just burped!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Safe Sex Tarzan


Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Curious Blonde


A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Men At Work 


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy:

" i'm gonna have the day off - i'm gonna pretend i'm mad. he starts up the rafter, lays upside down, and shouts: " I'm a lightbulb! i'm a lightbulb! " Murphy watches in amazement. the foreman shouts: " Paddy you're mad go home! " so, he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. " where the hell do you think you're going? " - asks the foreman. " I can't work in the friggin' dark! " - says Murphy.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Frisky 90 Year Old


A 90 year old man finally gets to see a doctor, the doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive.

The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered?

Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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