Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales Help

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. 

 

The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years." 

She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?" 
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing hair

Boss: “Sam, you are still so young. Why have you lost so much hair.”
Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”
Boss: “What worry?”
Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”

[worldangel]

  Joke: Hard To Find

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A. They all already have boyfriends!

[worldangel]

Joke: Up to no good

 One day little Jimmy was digging a hole in his backyard and his neighbor, who knew Jimmy was always up to no good, asked him what he was doing!

He replied, "I am burying my dead fish", he then started crying, Why is the hole sooooo big she asked.

Because your cat ate it and I buried him too.

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One day Stan comes home from a...

One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts taking her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head. 

His wife yells, ''What was that for!?'' 

To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and brunette

A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.

The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide.

The brunette said, "You're supposed to put the rope around your neck." The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two guys were riding in a car,...

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville."

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

[worldangel]

Joke: An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple was asleep when ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

[worldangel]

Joke: Furniture

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" askes the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the Rooster Stops Chasing

A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground. 

Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie. 

The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Spider With No Legs

A blonde decides to make an experiment. She gets a spider, and pulls off two legs and tells it to walk. It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk. It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk. It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk. 

Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk. It doesn't move so she comes up with a conclusion. She concludes that spiders with no legs are deaf.

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are You Smiling At?

“I forgot my glasses last night,” he told his wife at the breakfast table. 

“Then what are you smiling at?" she inquires. 

“I remember where I left them,” he said.

[worldangel]

Joke: A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: A few wrinkles

Dara, now in her middle ages, had been considering coloring her hair. One day, while flipping through a fashion magazine, she saw an ad for a hair-coloring die featuring a pretty young model who was sporting a great hairstyle with a shade that Dara liked.

To get a second opinion, she asked her husband Jack, "How do you think this shade would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

Jack took the magazine from her, crumpled the page with the ad, straightened it out and observed it again.
"Just great, darling."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Uncle Dave

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands."

"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.

"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where have you been?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 
"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Friends Call Me Paddy

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. 

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" 

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" 

Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have Any Reservations?

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. 

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. 

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the a...."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting for the Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30am, the store's opening time, in front of the store. 

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... 

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Unforgettable Wedding Night

The bride to be and her best friend were discussing her coming wedding. “If you want an unforgettable wedding night,” her friend said, “get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony.” 

A week later, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, “Only eight of the oysters worked.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This Is My Sister

The non-commissioned officer surprised the private in the barracks with a girl. 

“Uh-uh, this is my sister, Sarge.” the private stuttered. 

“That’s okay,” the sergeant soothed. “She used to be mine.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sorry About the Scare

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293," he says. "The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOODNESS!!!" 

The intercom falls silent. A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. "I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier," he says. "But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

"That's nothing," a passenger in coach shouted. "You should see the back of mine!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Between the Ages

Between the ages of 18 and 32… Tri-weekly. 

Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly. 

Anything Over 50...Try, weakly.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Purchased Twelve Dozen

Storming into the drugstore first thing Monday morning, the young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter. 

“I came in here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms,” he yelled at the pharmacist. “Well, I counted them. There’s only eleven dozen here!” 

Looking at the man square in the eye, the pharmacist apologetically said, “So sorry, sir, to have ruined your weekend.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Into the Woods

Little Johnny rushed home from school and told his mom, "Mommy, mommy, I saw Daddy driving by my school with Aunty Joan into the woods. I followed them and saw Daddy taking Aunty Joan's clothes off..." 

The mom stopped him. ”Wait. Little Johnny, that's a beautiful story. Why don’t you wait to when Daddy gets home to tell it." 

So after supper mommy asks little Johnny to tell his story. He starts over, "Today I say daddy and Aunty Joan driving by my school into the woods. When I followed them, I saw daddy taking off Aunty Joan's clothes and Aunty Joan taking daddy's clothes off. And they did what you and Uncle Chris did when daddy was away!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worst Day of My Life

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." 

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen.

The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar." 

"Wow. Sorry to hear that. That's a lot." 

"And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison!" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Does She Close Her Eyes?

Two buddies at the bar, drinking away, were comparing the sexual behavior of their spouses. “Hey,” one asked, “does your wife close her eyes when you’re having sex with her?” 

“She sure does,” replied the other. “She just can’t stand to watch me having a good time.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Footloose

The giddy dame decided to put her cards on the table. She snuck up to the playboy at the bar and whispered, “I’m footloose.” 

He looked her over carefully and said, “The rest of you can stand tightening too.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wiper blades

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
 

[worldangel]

Joke: He Might Know You

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there."
The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?"

The man replied "Chicago"

The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."

The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago."

The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: His Own Age 

 

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.

That's why he dates someone half his age.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol 
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. 

After one day, these were the results: 
The first worm in alcohol - dead. 
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. 
Third worm in sperm - dead. 
Fourth worm in soil - alive. 

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." 

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." 

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Preventive medicine belief

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?

Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three Vampires Go To A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I

]would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The first-time father, beside ...

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. 

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Working late

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife got so mad at her husband...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. 

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A new apartment...

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

[worldangel]

Joke: The chant

There was this man wandering around a by lane aimlessly. He suddenly heard a group shouting “twenty…..twenty…..twenty” in chorus as if in a trance. He saw a building with a tall fence from which the chant was coming.

Curious, the man went near the building, and found a small hole in the fence. He bent a little, put one eye to the hole and saw a group of men chanting the number over and over again. Before he could see further, a finger came out from the hole and poked him in the eye.

As he stumbled back, the chant changed to “twenty one….. twenty one….. twenty one.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Would you like to dance?

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde goes into a music store and...

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.

The salesman replies, "Try the other side."

So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady is walking down the street...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."

She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing Thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check.

To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Climb The Pole

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:

"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.

"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.

"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving to other city

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”


 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" 

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." 
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."