Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[clementi]

Joke: What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."

•HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.

•HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.

•HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.

•HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.

•HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[clementi]

Joke: Something Special For His Birthday

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

[clementi]

Joke: Deer For Dinner

A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"

[clementi]

Joke: No More Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[worldangel]

Joke: We have 3 stupid stages of life………..

Teen age: Have Time + Energy … but No Money

Working Age: Have Money + Energy … but No Time

Old age: Have Time + Money … but no Energy

[worldangel]

Joke: DEB

In New Delhi , Mr. Sharma comes homes one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody"..

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from DEB Delhi Electric Board) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?

"Yes......speaking"

DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, maam, it's in our files!" says the DEB guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files.......HOW? ???

"Yes..... we have a system of finding out who's overdue"

"Oh my Goodness!!!! ! This is too much....."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue".

"I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the DEB office the next morning.

"What's going on? You have it on your file that my wife is one month overdue? "What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down, "says the lady at the reception at DEB, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A.A.A.D.D

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking..

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do..

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I Don't Remember What I did With The car Keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all, but doing nothing and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I have to check my e-mail.... and then .....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming man...ha...ha! Enjoy your life now!

[worldangel]

Joke: A Raise

The maid asked for a pay increase, and wife was very upset about this, decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. 'The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you....'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want? :oops:

[worldangel]

Joke: In Coma

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.

Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re fired

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party.

So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed.

"Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old man

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

[Guest butted]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has

> told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

>

> Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she

> agrees, so they make love.

>

> About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey,

> you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

>

> Could we please do it one more time?'

>

> Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

>

> Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes

> that he now has only 8 hours left.

>

> He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one

> more time before I die..'

>

> She says, 'Of course, dear,' and they make love for the third time.

>

> After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

>

> Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until

> he's down to 4 more hours.

>

> He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours... Do you

> think we could...'

>

> At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris , I have to

> get up in the morning.... You don't.

[clementi]

Joke: Physical Examination

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.

As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[clementi]

Joke: Circumcision

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding Night

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smelling

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?"

"fxxk off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him,

"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing Holiday

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week.

It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two young guys

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Boys

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We’ll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tour in Egypt

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals".

"Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grieving Widow

The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary.

The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.per word.

She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum.

She' says "Okay... Fred's dead; Buick for sale"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Bums

Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!

This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fxxking one of them... had the best day ever."

The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fxxked her all day long."

The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."

The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"

To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Birth Control pill

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy.

I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.

One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found?

The birth control pill!

[worldangel]

Joke: On death bed

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

[GKS]

Watch this original versionfirst.

Now, the cheering version

Edited December 2, 2009 by GKS

[Guest danite]

his falsetto is good...

[worldangel]

Joke: Biology Professor

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White.

"Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[worldangel]

Joke: A nerdy accountant

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.

The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"

The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

[worldangel]

Joke: 8 inches long?

What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other.

For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I?

Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert? :thumb:

[worldangel]

Joke: Get Pregnant?

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

[worldangel]

Joke: Warehouses or whorehouses

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.

In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Our dog

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a pxxno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to pxxno flicks, he sits

in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking Buddies

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Same Name

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.

So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says,"

Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew."

They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."

They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say,"

Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Retiree

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Neighbor

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No"

Neighbor 1: "Fag."

[worldangel]

Joke: 6-inches

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help.

The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12-inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6-inches."

The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6-inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.

He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6-inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you! :swear:

[worldangel]

Joke: Made a deal

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

"Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[worldangel]

Joke: John Wayne

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Postman

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Insurance Money

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lori

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I

end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

[worldangel]

Joke: Horny Old Geezer

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Barber

A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet.

As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber.

"Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm only eight years old!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill

Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."

Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Ed Class

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Gold in Alaska

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep.

"She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck.

A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?"

The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!"

And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."