Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Condolence

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an ............

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this - a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

[worldangel]

Joke: Results-Oriented Man

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry.

The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Front & Back Hole

A young girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy, back hole whistle!"

[worldangel]

Joke: $5.00 only

There were three men who saw a sign for exotica erotica only, $5.00 they quickly ran towards the sign and paid their $5.

The first man went in and after a few minutes he came out with a huge smile on his face and the two men asked him what had happened, he said that the woman inside put a pineapple ring around my cock and slowly ate it off, wehey said the second man I'm up for that he went in and came out again and had an even bigger smile on his face and they asked him what had happened and he said she put a pineapple ring, and whipped cream on my cock and licked it off.

Then the third man went in and thought it’s getting better every time, mine must be the best and he came out with a huge frown on his face and they asked him what was the matter and he replied she put a huge pineapple ring whipped cream and a cherry on my nob and bit the fxxker off.

[worldangel]

Joke: 25th Wedding Anniversary

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken a back. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[Dashy_Boy]

Am i the only one here that didnt get this joke? The closest i can guess is is it a joke on the Republicans? please advise....

The guy used reverse psychology...

[imchaser]

The guy used reverse psychology...

Dude... that was like... so last year...

[worldangel]

Joke: Clock or Cock

The President had ordered his intern into his office. As she entered the President asked her if she wanted to see his clock.

She answered, "Sure, why not." With that he drops his pants and exposes himself. The intern was so

shocked that she replied "That's not a clock, that's a cock."

The President turned around and said "It would be a clock if you put a face and two hands on it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Boy's Extortion

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!

[worldangel]

Joke: Devil

A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, stop now you've been relieved."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fido

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his

father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this

program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? “

The father says, "Oh, I hope you SHOT that lying dog!"

"I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Attitude

A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed,the husband who was a big burly mantossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on,"

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.

I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family,"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Frank and the Devil

Frank had died and, naturally, wound up in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that Hell was now a "kinder and gentler" place. Each person was offered three choices of torture. The devil explained that these tortures ran in a thousand year cycle and you could pick which cycle to begin with.

Frank went with the Devil down the hall where Jon was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. Frank told the Devil he'd "pass" on that one. On down the hall to where Brian was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Frank shook his head over this one, too.

Finally, there was Joseph, strapped to the wall, naked as a jaybird. A very gorgeous woman was performing oral sex upon him. Frank said, "Yes, yes, this is where I want to start."

The Devil said, "You sure? This lasts for a thousand years, you know." "Yes, I'm sure. This is the place." "Ok," said the Devil. He walked to the beautiful blonde, tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Your replacement's here."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Blond Man

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.

So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns --- there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church --- I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns --- and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Prostrate checkup

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.

Again, the guy says, '99.

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say, 99

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three.....Four........!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectum Stretcher

This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers...eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."

[worldangel]

Joke: Only a Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker.

Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age,

The father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says "Sure had a big dick!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Use Other Hand

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day.

She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked,

"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand.

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectal Thermometer

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,"Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tyre.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Headache

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.

The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

[Guest Guest]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the

urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the

urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but

this new procedure is a little different from

what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,

bend your knees, then while I check your

prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again,

while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back

with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with

this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis

to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One .. Two ...Three".

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Cock, Wet Pussy

There was a farmer who had a rooster and a cat. He also had food for the rooster and food for the cat. He was on a boat and came to a river. He didn't want to leave the cat with the cat food and the rooster with the rooster food. So on one side of the river he left the cat along with the rooster food. To the other side he took the rooster along with the cat food.

He had to go into town and left his things on these sides. The rooster thought "I'm hungry, I know I can jump over this stupid river and get my damn food". So he jumped over the river and was happy on the other side with his food.

The cat saw this and thought "I'm hungry too, if that stupid rooster can do it so can I". The cat tried to jump over the river and fell in. The moral of the story is: Where there's a happy cock, there's a wet pussy!

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know,I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said,"I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There was I, so huge thatI ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Shared 50/50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man

then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s an overweight

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time." "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Women

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,

"NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Genie

This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp (what a surprise). He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out (ohh, another big surprise). The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.

"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."

POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.

"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."

POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.

"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: Black Condom

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet"?? Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.?

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

[worldangel]

Joke: Attorney?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!"

Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening.

When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???"

[worldangel]

Joke: Milk Bath

This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman said, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy with Pet Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little rascal. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Big Ass

One fine summer day a couple was out working in the yard when the man yelled to his wife, "Man, your butt is getting fat."

She did not think this was funny at all and moved to another part of the yard. But her husband, intent on kidding her some more followed and then said, "You know the gas grill over there? I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"

That was too much for her and she turned to him and informed him that he could finish the yard work on his own. Her husband, still in a playful mood, found a yardstick and went inside. He walked over to his wife, placed the stick across her behind and declared, "Yup! They ARE the same size."

His wife did not at all appreciate this humor and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. That night when her husband came to bed, he cuddled up next to her and started to make overtures for a ittle more. But he was surprised when his advances were coldly rebuffed. Puzzled, he asked her what was wrong.

"You must be crazy," she replied, "if you think I'm going to fire-up this 'big-ass' grill for just one little weenie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Seat

A guy found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it. A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied. So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Female Wave Length!

Last night Harry and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.

He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

He ALMOST DIED!!

The 2 morals of this story are:

1. Think about what you wish for..

2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.......

[worldangel]

Joke: Dying of Dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex lives

Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.

First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."

Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."

Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."

A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

[worldangel]

Joke: Night Court

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. Police had rounded up a collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.

Three hookers, all arrested on the same corner, stood before him. He asked the first what she had to say for herself.

The young woman was irate, "I have no idea what this is all about, your Honor. I am a college student doing research for a term paper."

Sighing, the Judge said, "Young lady, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer indicates you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second woman and asked that she testify.

She began to cry and said, "Judge, I am only a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I don't understand why I was arrested."

The Judge shook his head and said, "Well, the officer tells me that he observed you handing a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' who was sitting in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

The Judge then turned to the third woman and asked her occupation. "I'm a hooker," she calmly replied.

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "So, how's business?"

"It's terrible, Judge," she replied. "With all these housewives and students around, competition is very tough!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Widowed seniors

Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had any since her husband had died 5 years ago.

The second lady said she gets all the free young sex she wants.

Well this got the first ladies attention right now and she wanted to know how she managed that.

The second lady told her that when she went to buy groceries that she parked as far from the entrance of the store as possible and as the young carry out boy carried her groceries to her car that she just let him know in a very subtle way that she was available.

Well the first lady was very hesitant about doing that. But one day she was feeling very horny and decided, what the heck, she was going to give it a try.

She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the entrance as possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries, a lot of things she didn't even need!

As the young carry out boy was carrying her groceries to the car she kind of rubbed up against him and whispered in a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice that she has an itchy pussy.

He turns to her and said, "Lady, all of these foreign cars look alike to me. You're just going to have to point it out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Equal Rights

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Equal Rights

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: More tail

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.

This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

The father yelled back, "F**k You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Putting body parts to sleep

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."

That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body.

"Toes, go to sleep," he whispered.

"Feet, go to sleep.

Legs, go to sleep.

Hips, go to sleep.

Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.

Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.

"OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

[clementi]

Joke: Old Virgins

Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house.

They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers.

The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests.

She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn’t matter what type of women they used.

She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.

The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.

The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!"

The other man said to his friend"that’s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad dude

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandable silent.

He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfxxkers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Fingers?

A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid. "Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "So my sight is clearly affected.

"Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.

"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.

"Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralysed from the waist down as well."

[worldangel]

Jokes: Peach and Vagina.

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."

"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.

So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

[worldangel]

Jokes: Running In Nude.

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm naked!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window!

When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.

One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."

Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!"

The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."

[worldangel]

Jokes: 2 Deaf People Get Married.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"