Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: No Name Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

[worldangel]

Joke: City Boy

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father.

"I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it."

Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.

So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Moustache

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Neighbourhood

Neighbour 1: "Hi, there, new neighbour, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbour: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbour 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbour: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"

Neighbour 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbour: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbour 1: "That is right"

New Neighbour: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbour 1: "Right again"

New Neighbour: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbour 1: "Correct"

New Neighbour: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"

Neighbour 1: "Yup"

New Neighbour: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbour 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbour 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbour 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbour 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbour 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbour 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbour 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbour 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbour 2: "No"

Neighbour 1: "Fag."

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual Check-Up

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: Appendix

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbour’s boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbour said.

"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Nicoderm

A gay guy walks into the doctor’s office. He takes off his clothes for examination.

When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis.

The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?" The man answers..

"Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Paychecque

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paychecque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ware or Whorehouses

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.

With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.

In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Black Eyes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes.

His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing!

I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."

[worldangel]

Joke: New York City

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell.

"They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.

"What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Seven Wisemen

Seven wisemen, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.

Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit.

Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without.

Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee.

Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fxxked it and called it a CUNT!

[clementi]

Joke: Rectal Thermometer

A doctor walked into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,

"Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

[Guest danite]

Joke: New York City

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

Hi Gollum

[clementi]

Joke: Little Dwarf Lady

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch.

After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem.

Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

[clementi]

Joke: Pirate

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

[clementi]

Joke: Three Women

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Orgasm

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Permanent Erection

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mow the lawn

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am just Fred

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit.

Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself.

I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)

[worldangel]

Joke: An 80-year-old

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

[worldangel]

Joke: Get you own blanket

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!"

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own fxxking blanket!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart Attack

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual Physical Exams

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Male Virgin

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex.

When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.

"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained.

"This girl really knows how to go from there.

"The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing.

On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy."

"I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual Physical Exams

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiance has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

[worldangel]

Joke: 27 Stitches

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Male Virgin

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex.

When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.

"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained.

"This girl really knows how to go from there.

"The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing.

On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy."

"I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis Elbow

Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have".

So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily".

So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine.

The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cosmetic Surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me strength ……….

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in 2-level hay shed.

When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed.

He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested.

After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove."

So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Today is the Viewing

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[worldangel]

Joke: Second Mortgage

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.

He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Little Larry

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

[worldangel]

Joke: I wish I had ……

A couple was in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'.

The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'.

'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Date

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Pair of Underwear

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "What?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Eyebag

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I can’t get rid of these bags please help me.

The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away.

So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she can’t get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won’t go away.

So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes."

The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can I smell …..

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?"

"fxxk off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Married Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Married

A couple was married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.

"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.

"Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.

Edited March 3, 2011 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Captain and Sergeant

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[clementi]

Joke: A Pure Wife

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member, she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Happy Birthday’s Gift

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

[worldangel]

Joke: I like Your Thinking

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell me about the day you died

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[worldangel]

Joke: Change of Plan

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing Psychiatrist

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."