Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Vibrator

A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.

'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'

'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Billy

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Husband’s Home

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Associate

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

[worldangel]

Joke: Loves

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Still in the Crate

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing Eye Doctor

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual Survey

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbour," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Sex

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for?

Pa said for fourty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking.

Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynecologist to become Mechanic

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.

So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing a Psychiatrist

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap.

He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

[worldangel]

Joke: W-E-N-D-Y

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle.

Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay.

One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.

"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"

"No way, man, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, man, have a nice day.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Nymphomaniacs

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast .

"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work.

Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?"

"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work.

Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister!

"What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm warming up your dinner!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Layoffs

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs.

But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Story of a Woman who just turned 47

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.

He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Women at Gynecologist

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.

"I was on top ", was the reply.

"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies?”.....

[worldangel]

Joke: Are my Testicles Black?

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect Penis

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods.

The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"

The boy replied, "I don't know."

At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch.

He goes home and eats his lunch.

Then he sees his dad on the couch.

He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"

The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.

The girl again asks him what a penis is.

He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy and A Horse

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh.

Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom.

Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"

"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."

[worldangel]

Joke: Genie

This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle.

Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."

Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor."

Whereupon both his legs fell off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: It's 2022

It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"

"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[worldangel]

Joke: Watch Store

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.

The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid.

She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!"

"Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Barbie Doll

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rubbers

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked.

Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.

"Yes, I did," replied Bill.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Long Penis

There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.

Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"

She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!"

Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man."

The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"

"No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect!

"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No ..........NO.....AND FOR THE LAST TIME.........NO!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Word ‘Penis’

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board.

She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again.

With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Public Restroom

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[worldangel]

Joke: GI Joe

A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall.

When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says, "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Supermarket

This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them.

She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."

Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."

A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up.

She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At Pet Shop

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive.

She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank Robbery

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One Afternoon …..

One afternoon a man says to his wife, you, me and the dogs are going pig shooting.

They pack the truck and head off. They get there late at night and the man says, we will head off at sunrise.

The wife is tired and replies, I don't want to go in the morning. The husband is furious and replies, I will give you 3 options, you, me and the dog shoot, or you give me a blow job or we have anal sex.

The wife isn't too pleased but realizes it's one or the other. They rise early in the morning and the husband says well, what's it to be.

She isn't pleased but decides to give him a blow job. As soon as she starts she stops and says, your dick tastes like shit. He replies: "Yeh, the dog didn't want to go either."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Couple

An elderly couple went in together for their annual medical examinations. After examining the man, the doctor then said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time I’m usually hot and sweaty. After I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The wife replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I am starving

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie?

Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I’m starving."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Cow

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him"

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife gets really excited and says "That’s once a day." You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband finally turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol’ cow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mathematician

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up!

[worldangel]

Joke: 20 Years of Marriage

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

[worldangel]

Joke: Parkinson’s

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood. Then,

one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard’s manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson’s."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lions Club

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he was a little embarrassed to tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jumbo Jet

This jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport on its Final approach. The pilot comes over the plane’s intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper - you know, the one with the huge boobs. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her all night."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn-off the intercom.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he’s gotta take a shit first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Red-Light District

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city’s red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy... Would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it’s ok."

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it’s ok."

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We’d better go back where we came from. We’ve only been here 10 minutes, and we’ve been offered two jobs already!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 40 Years of Marriage

Bill and Mary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Mary never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Mary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later mary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hangover

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover

Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."

"You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him!" said the man.

"You did. He fired you." said the wife.

"Well, screw him!" said the guy.

"I did." said the wife. "You’re back to work Monday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Market Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don’t mind my asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eighteen Years Old

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course, He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.

There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up cranked the window down and said, "Yes officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I’m reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like?, She is knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I’m nineteen." he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be eighteen."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Old Couple

Well, there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I’m not surprised," chuckled Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[worldangel]

Joke: Neighbourhood

There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbours for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse. Over a number of weeks, they had become close.

One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up the next morning.

They went down to the river at 6 a.m. and began fishing. After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down," being nice, he wanted to let her decide.

The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped the man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.

Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again, the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.

That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again tomorrow. The woman agreed and at 6 the next morning, they got to the river.

"Up or Down" the hopeful man asked.

"Down" the woman replied.

A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or Down" the man asked.

"Up" the woman said.

"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex, what’s going on?"

"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said ’fxxk or Drown!’

[clementi]

Joke: Beastiality

So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one.

I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "Oh hell yeah they all say" so I’m telling them about mine.

So I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area.

It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where.

So I’m like oh shit "holy shit what did she do" asks my friend

I reply "The first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaaaahhh!"