Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: About A Boy

A young man walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.

After the young man does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the Veneral Diseases. The man answers:

When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fxxk her.

When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car.

Tonight, my parents will fxxk.

Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman,

AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Bedside Manner

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck....."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pianist

A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, he hears the most amazing piano music being played. He thinks it is the most wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist.

"I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful."

"Thank you very much" says the pianist.

"I've never heard this song before, what is it called?"

"I called it 'I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits'"

"Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it. I must say though, that I'm having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it. Perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be playing - my guests wouldn't approve."

"No problem" says the pianist.

Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most dreadful music the guy has ever heard.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy.

"I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank."

"A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are here."

"I know but I can't play well until I've had one."

"OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just get back here as soon as you can."

Ten minutes later the pianist comes back from the bathroom, sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to.

After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but do you know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your trousers?"

"Know it?" he says, "I wrote it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Swapping Partner

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

[worldangel]

Joke: Wetting My Fingers

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your gear off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow Job

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On the Beach

Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra Not Required

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.

But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.

In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"

"Yes."

"Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

"But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

[clementi]

Golf Joke: 18 Daughters

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters

so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs."

the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows."

the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

the father said "yes."

so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast

the first man said "I slept like a pig"

the second man said "I slept like a cow"

the third man said "I felt like a golfer"

the father asked why?

he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes

[clementi]

Joke: Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick

Since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

The doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"

Bob asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"

The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do"

So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain "So what did the doctor say?"

Bob says "Doctor said your gonna die"

[clementi]

Joke: Barrel of Laughs

A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain

Guy: Capt. Capt.! There is no woman on board what will be do for pleasure???

Capt.:Ohh... don’t worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright.

So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.

So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens.

So he runs to the captain and says Guy: Capt Capt! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened!

Capt.: Ohhh I forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Couple

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all of your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies,"I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station down the road."

She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late -- he's too far in!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Brothel

A brothel in the outback is going about its daily business, when the front door is kicked down by a huge cattle man armed with a giant stockwhip. He cracks the whip, and shouts out, "Thunder, Lightning!! I want a woman!!"

The madam of the house, who is a seasoned professional, says in an unperturbed manner, "Upstairs, second door on the left, leave $ 50.00 here."Which he does”.

Upon entering the second door on the left, he sees the woman of questionable virtue lying in a voluptuous manner upon an ornate bed. She rises slowly, and begins to sashay her way across the room. She doesn't get far. The big cattle man pushes her down on the bed, cracks his giant stockwhip, taking off one of her earrings, and exclaims in a loud voice, "Thunder! I want a woman!!"

The woman is stunned by the sudden turn of events. Before she can say anything, he turns to the light switch flicking it up and down. "Lightning !!" he cries, then he blasts off the other earring of the woman with a well placed crack of the whip. "Thunder !! I want a woman !!!"

The woman is nearly deaf, and tries to compose herself. Suddenly the cattleman turns on the ceiling fan, and cries " Wind !!!" Ticky , ticky, ticky goes the light switch. "Lightning" cries the cattleman, and with his stockwhip, blasts off some of her garments. "Thunder ...I want a woman."

He switches the fan onto a higher setting, and cries, "Storm !!!" He plays with the light switch again screaming, "Lightning !" and with several more cracks of the old bull whip deftly removes her remaining outer garments. Her flimsy underwear struggles to contain bulging female bits.

The cattleman is now getting quite worked up. He turns the fan on to full, screaming "Tempest !!" and drops his trousers and proceeds to urinate copiously all over the hapless woman.

"Torrential Rain !!! " screams the cattleman, and once again plays with the light switch.

"Lightning" screams the cattl man, and with his stockwhip blasts her brassiere down the middle. Two well formed breasts lunge out, begging to be fondled. Another crack of the whip slices her knickers in two to reveal a quivering quim. "Thunder !!!.....I WANT A WOMAN"

The woman of questionable virtue is now very aroused by all this and she cries out, "Go on then, you big brute, take me !!"

And he says, "What? In this weather ??"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra.

One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30."

"Can you get it over the counter?"

"Probably - if you took two."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Old Spinster

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.

She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

[worldangel]

Joke: Motorcycle

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.

He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"

His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.

It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.

Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fxxking dishes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Game of Sex

A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex. The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan.

The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure. The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and from the closet will come the answer about what to do.

That night everything is going according to the plan. When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom. The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now! She feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it.

Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room. He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, "There's shit in the box, there's shit in the box .

From the closet comes the reply, "Then roll her over!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Only Two of Us

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[worldangel]

Joke: Energizer Bunny

It is with great remorse that I inform you of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all.

Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going and going and going for so long, unfortunately passed away.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual overstimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny’s batteries in backwards, and he kept COMING... AND COMING... AND COMING...

[worldangel]

Joke: Weekend Duty

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart-to-Heart Talk

A girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

[clementi]

Joke: Big Dumb

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[clementi]

Joke: Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

[clementi]

Joke: Blowing Bubbles

There were three ducks swimming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing.

They were called to appear in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swimming after midnight the duck said "blowing bubbles"

So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said "blowing bubbles".

Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said "No i am BUBBLES"

[clementi]

Joke: Born Loser

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure.

The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend.

The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in.

She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle.

The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.

[clementi]

Joke: Blow Job

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[clementi]

Joke: A Blonde Woman

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOSH, I left the baby on the bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: AIDS

A woman is picked up by Dennis in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

[worldangel]

Joke: Look at Your Gums ……..

One day Johnny’s mother comes home to find him half-undressed on the couch with Susie, the girl next door. Horrified, she sees his hand about to slip inside her panties.

Johnny! Come into the kitchen immediately, she screams.

The boy does as he’s told and his mother explains that she saw what he was doing.

Be careful Jonny, girls have teeth down there and they’ll bite you fingers off! She warns, unaware of the huge psychological damage she’s causing.

In fact, Jonny never tries to get into a girl’s panties again. Despite this, he does manage to get a girlfriend and they eventually marry...

On the wedding night, his bride gets undressed and lay on the bed.

Come on Jonny, slip it in, she whispers.

NO WAY! screams Jonny. You’ve got teeth down there and will bite my cock off!

Taken a back, his new wife spreads her legs and says, Take a close look Jonny, look real close.

Jonny leans in an peers between his wife’s legs...

See Jonny there are no teeth down there..

Hmmm, says Jonny, I’m not fxxking surprised - look at the state of your gums!

[worldangel]

Joke: 99 Cents

This woman comes home to visit her mother. The mother can see that there’s something on the girl’s mind.

"what is it dear? asks the old lady.

"A billionaire has asked me to marry him" replies the girl.

"But that’s wonderful news, any girl would be over the moon!" exclaims the mother.

"Yes but the only problem is, that this guy will only have sex anally - I don’t know what to do?"

"I see" says the mother, "that’s different, you must make up your own mind."

Eventually, the girl does decide to marry the billionaire and a year later she’s standing again in her mother’s kitchen. Although the kitchen is in a much bigger house and both women are draped in the finest clothes and jewels.

"what is it dear?" asks the old lady.

"I’ve decided to divorce my husband" says the girl.

"Whatever for?" asks the old lady in astonishment.

"It’s the sex. Put it this way, when I married him my asshole was the size of a penny, now it’s the size of a silver dollar!"

"I can’t believe what I’m hearing!" exclaims the mother "Your husband has bought you six houses, two boats and all the clothes you’d ever want - and now you want to quibble over 99 cents!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Before and After

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Circus Midgets

Two circus midgets are reflecting on their life. Both agree that they've had a good time at the circus but regret that they've never spent more time with women.

They decide to pool their money and hire a couple of prostitutes.

Because it’s a special occasion they decide to make a night of it. They hire the women, take them out for a meal, then dancing, drinks in a hotel bar then up to the rooms.

The first midget takes his lady by the hand over to the bed. He tries to get it on with her but what with the drink and his nerves, he just can't perform. So in the end the prostitute falls asleep and he lays awake brooding.

To make matters worse he can hear his friend in the next room:

1, 2, 3, uhhhh!

1, 2, 3, uhhhh!

1, 2, 3, uhhhh!

All night long.

The next morning the two midgets meet in the lobby and discuss the night before.

The 1st midget complains "it was terrible, once I got her on the bed I couldn't do anything! I felt really stupid!"

"You felt stupid?" replied the other midget, "I couldn't even climb on the bed"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual Check-Up

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I’ve never been better!" he boasted. "I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That’s impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That’s kind of what I’m getting at..." replied the doctor.

[clementi]

Joke: Deal with the Devil

Three guys die in car accident and wind up in hell.

They realize where they are at and find the Devil.

They plead with him, "please let us go to heaven!"

The devil comes up with an idea.

He points at a huge escalator with some of the most beautiful, hottest women you have ever seen! He says you see that escalator? If you can make it up to heaven without engaging in ANY sexual activities with any of these women then you are free to go. But if you do the nasty with any of them, then I am going to do to you something that your job on earth is related to.

The first guy goes and fxxks the first chick so the devil asks what his job was.

"A mechanic" he replies. So the devil rips his dick off with pliers.

The second guy goes and fxxks the chick in the very middle.

" A carpenter" he replies. So the devil saws his dick off.

The final guy goes and makes it to the very top when he screws the last chick.

The devil asks "Well you know the drill, what was you job?" and the guy just starts laughing his ass off!

Furious, the devil asks him why he is laughing and the guy replies " I’m a fxxking blow pop tester!"

[clementi]

Joke: Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married five times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"

[clementi]

Joke: Grass Feed Hobos

A rich condescending lawyer is driving down the road when he spots a man eating grass,

Curious he rolled his window down and asked what he was doing?

I'm homeless and so poor I have to eat grass,

Well said the lawyer jump in ill take you home and feed you,

Half way down the road the hobo says, I have a wife and two kids as well

"Well..." says the lawyer "Bring them two"

"Really...?" ask’s the hobo

"Yes" say the lawyer................"My grass hasn't been cut for months."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart Attack

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[worldangel]

Joke: What does it taste like?

Alice is on holiday with her two sisters, Mary and Joan and their husbands David and Peter.

One evening, after getting drunk on ladies drinks, Alice makes a confession: "Last night my husband asked me to swallow. Isn't that disgusting, who'd do such a thing?"

Mary and Joan look a little embarassed and then admit that they both swallow with their husbands.

"Oh my goodness!" Gasps Jane, "what does it taste like?"

Mary admits that David's tastes a bit too bitter. And Joan admits that Peter's is to sweet.

"But whatever you do," warn the sisters, "don't ever let your husband know you don't like the taste!"

Alice downs her drink and tells her sisters that she's going to find John, her husband, and try it out.

The next day, the sisters meet up and Alice looks really upset.

"What happened?" Asked Joan.

"John's dumped me." Wailed Alice. "I did everything you said, and after I swallowed I said, Oh John, that tastes lovely, not too bitter like David's or too sweet like Peter's!"

[worldangel]

Joke: He finger first

A couple is about to have sex for the first time but the lady is a little shy. After much dancing around the subject she finally admits that she thinks her hole is too big for her man.

He tells her she's being silly and after much coaxing she agrees to show him. AND IT'S ENORMOUS!

The guy is so shocked he advises her to go to the doctors, which eventually she does.

When she gets to the docs she explains the problem and he's very understanding, saying a lot of women feel this way but it's mostly their imagination.

So she gets on the examination table and puts her feet in the stirrups. The doc takes a look and then lets out one long whistle.

"I'm afraid to say that is the largest female sexaul part I have ever seen. So big I can not imagine how it got that way. There must be a medical reason, but I can't think of it," he admits.

The women blushes slightly and tells the doctor she might have a clue. "When I was younger, I had a holiday in India. And while I was there, I, erm... had sex with an elephant."

The doctor was obviously shocked but he said "I know that an elephant has a big penis, but it's not big enough to stretch you that large"

"Oh..." said the woman sheepishly "I let him finger me first."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong."

The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry about that buddy."

After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas.

The bartender enquires, "What's wrong now?"

To which the guy responds that he found out that his older son was gay, too.

The bartender says that he's sorry.

The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.

The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!"

The guy looks up and sneers, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Old Jimmy

All the guys in the pub are talking about sex when old Jimmy [who's 93] piped up. 'I've fxxked more women than you all put together and I still give my wife one twice a day'

Everyone laughed but Jimmy continued 'I used to come in here every day and at 11pm my wife would come and meet me and I'd take her round the back put her up against the fence and give her one'

Everyone laughs again, which annoys Jimmy.

'Ok, I'll get her to meet me like she used to and I'll give her one like in the good old days.'

Someone lends Jimmy a phone and he calls his wife.

Sure enough she turns up at 11pm and Jimmy, winking to the lads, takes her outside. All the blokes in the pub sneak up to the window and peer out to see Jimmy taking his 91 year old wife to the fence.

Suddenly he's really going at it, the couple are going mad - Jimmy going at it like a deranged piston. After about 20 mins the couple seems to explode and fall to the floor.

The next day Jimmy limps into the pub.

'Well Jim' says one of the regulars 'was it just like old times?'

'In every way' says Jimmy 'except back in the old days, the fence wasn't fxxking electrified!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Night

It's midnight in the hotel bar and the barman tells the only two remaining guests that it's closing time.

It turns out that both men are in the hotel on their wedding night.

"I bet I go up and fxxk my wife more times than you do yours!" says the first man drunkenly.

"Rubbish!" Calls out the second man, "I do mine a greater number of times that you."

The barman, to get them out, proposes a bet. The winner being the guy who does his new wife the greatest number of times. The problem his, how do they settle the bet, without seeming insensitive to the new wives feelings?

The barman comes up with an idea. Since he's on breakfast duty the next morning. The man can indicate the number of times they did their wives by the number of rounds of toast they order. Settled the two men retire.

The next morning both men are in the dining room. And the first calls out to the waiter/barman..

"Could you bring me six rounds of toast please?"

The other guy excitedly jumps up and shouts... "Could you bring me seven rounds of toast please, and you'd better make two of them brown!"

[clementi]

Joke: Camping Men

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.

Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.

Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[clementi]

Joke: Castration

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, "that’s what I need .. a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let’s see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said "Let’s see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said "Let’s see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken Wire – Duct Tape – Pussy Willow

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool!" says the old man. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

[worldangel]

Joke: In High School

Back in high school, I used to feel sorry for the girls who never got dates. One girl I took out had no legs.

About an hour into the date, she asked me to take her to the park. Now, we all know what happens at the park right? So, I am trying my best to get out of it, never having done a girl with no legs before. But, she was quite persuasive.

So, we get to the park and she asks me to hang her from the monkey bars and lay down under her with my thing out. I do as asked and she starts doing chin ups in the most erotic way your mind can imagine.

After several pleasurable events like this, I take her home.

Her Dad comes to the door, shakes my hand and starts thanking me for taking out his daughter, yada, yada, yada. Now, I am beginning to feel guilty, so I confess that I "did" his daughter and how it all happened.

He says "no problem, I want to thank you again for taking her out and being such a gentleman."

I say "no problem? Did you not hear what I just said?"

He says, "Yeah, but you are really a gentleman and I appreciate that fact."

I say "A gentleman, I just did your daughter in the park."

He says, "Yeah, but YOU at least brought her home. Most of the guys just leave her hanging from the monkey bars and I have to get dressed and go fetch her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not Screwing

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore.

He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.

Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

[clementi]

Joke: Diagnostics Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trevor says to Greg behind him, "Shiiiiit, my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Greg replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Trevor deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollar, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trevor hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Shell.