Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Harassement

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Her and His Side of Story

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.

I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The football team lost. Got laid though.

[worldangel]

Joke: My Poem

A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot.

The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

Man: My wife will kill me.

Bartender: Take her some candy.

Man: She is on a diet.

Bartender: Take her some flowers.

Man: She has allergies.

Bartender: Tell her a poem.

Man: She loves poems ... I don’t know any.

Bartender: Here is one for you. The Bartender recited.

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH ..

BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS...

BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES

AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE.

-"Shakespeare"

Man: I can handle that.

So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

Wife: You better not of been drinking.

Man: Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife: It had better be good

The man starts to recite the poem...

YOU BABYLONIAN BITCH ..

BLUE EYES AND PURPLE TITS.

BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES

AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.

[worldangel]

Joke: One Morning ………

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother".

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepper

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Oldman

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife says,"Where are you going?"

He said, "I’m going to the doctor."

And she said, "Are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I’m going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot."

Edited March 26, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: At Local Tavern

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I’m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I’m celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I’m a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Costume Party

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t.

After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prostrate Problems

Two men sharing a room in the local hospital are scheduled for surgery. Both are having prostrate problems.

The nurse arrives to do her duties as ordered.

The first man gets prepared, receives a happy shot and to his delight the nurse reaches below his sheets and grabs a hold of his shaft; as she starts to stroke him gently, the man says "Hey what is this? Not that I mind, I’m just a little curious? Doc didn’t mention a handjob?"

The nurse instructed him to relax and enjoy. It was normal procedure to make sure there was no sperm present when the procedure was being carried out.

The man did as he was told and shortly thereafter reached climax and laid back with a smile on his face.

Watching the nurse as she continued on her duties making ready the next patient. First a shave, then a shot and then instead of the reaching under the roommates sheets, she pulled them back and began what appeared to be one hell of a good blowjob...

"Wait just a minute" he protested "why does he get a blowjob? We’re having the same operation"

The nurse, removing the already rigid cock from her mouth stated "That sir, is the difference between Blue Cross and the HMO"

Edited March 26, 2011 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Hey June

A truck driver was driving on the freeway when he noticed a young girl standing on the side of the road next to a broken down car.

The truck driver pulls up behind the car and rolls his window down. The young girl comes up to his window.

He says "hey lady need a lift?" she replies to him "yes my car broke down i need to get to a phone." She opens the door and jumps in.

As they are driving the truck driver introduces himself. "My name is Snow, what’s yours?" "June" she replies to him. He then asks her her age, and she replies to him that she is 22.

He goes on to ask stupid questions to get her into a talking mood. After a while she notices he has been staring at her ever since she got into the truck. She decides to ask him "is there something wrong? You have been staring at me."

He looks over and replies "No. I’m just thinking," "thinking about what?" he replies with a grin on his face "thinking what it would be like to have seven inches of snow in June."

[worldangel]

Joke: Miracle Grow

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the ……???" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Male or Female

A tourist goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Marketing

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Great Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing."

[clementi]

Joke: Hell Fire Sex

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They’ll go to heaven and you’ll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I’ve found you’re replacement."

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t Lie

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach.

He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied: "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dosed off and the next thing I know im here"

The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do after that?"

After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Wetting My Fingers

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Brothers

There were three brothers who bought a three storey house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was.

He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

[worldangel]

Joke: Cruise Trip

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine’s and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, "I’ll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine’s and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[clementi]

Joke: Condom

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot.

I want the condoms because I think tonight’s "the" night.

We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out.

And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

What’s the difference between a coffin and a condom?

One you go in the other you come in!

[clementi]

Joke: Dan and His Wife

Dan and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dan looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s butt.

"Yes, I was right. Your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Dan is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife, who completely brushes him off."What’s wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"

[clementi]

Joke: Driving Down The Road

A man is driving down the road when he sees a car off the side of the road, on it’s top, and in flames.

No one else is around, so he gets out to see if he can help.

Inside, he finds a beautiful woman and she is bleeding profusely.

He rushes her to the hospital, where she spends the next six months.

He stays by her side day and night caring for her, even donating blood to her as needed.

When she is released, they continue seeing each other and get married soon after.

Everything was great for a few years, then she realizes that he doesn’t give a shit about anything but his money and she decides to leave him.

She comes walking down the stairs, car keys and bulging suitcases in hand.

He stops her, says "where are you going with those keys, I bought that car, it belongs to me."

She tosses him the keys and keeps walking. "And those clothes and the suitcases, I’ve bought it all."

She throws down the clothes and keeps walking. She get to the door when he says "Come to think of it, about half the blood in your body belongs to me, you’re not going anywhere."

She quickly reaches down and pulls out her tampon, throws it in his face and says, "Fine, I’ll pay you back in monthly installments."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Excuse

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason

for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandfather Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked, "How often should you have it?"

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.

And she yells, 'fxxk you', and I holler back, 'fxxk you too.' "

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Kinky

One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.

"My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Gift for Wives

Two men are sitting at a bar.

One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit the other in his work clothes.

The business man turns to the other and says

" I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5-carat diamond for mother's day"

The worker looks confused and say

"Why two such extravagant gifts?"

"Well...if she decides she doesn't like the ring she can drive her BMW back

to Tiffany's and exchange it for what she would prefer"

"Oh" says the worker" I did something similar for my wife"

"How so?" says the business man

"Well I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo"

The business man looked truly confused

"Well..ye see..if she doesn't like the slippers she can go F*** herself"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.

The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.

The second lady looks at that and says, "That’s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"

"It’s a condom," The first lady replies.

"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.

"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies.

So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"

So the lady says, "Well it’s got to fit a Camel."

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Viagra Pills

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At Gynaecologist

An extraordinarily beautiful young woman walks into a gynaecologist’s office. As soon as he sees her the doctor loses all concept of professional behavior.

At his suggestion the woman disrobes and the physician starts to fondle her thigh and asks "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes" she says "You are checking for abrasions, fractures or any anomalies."

Then he fondles her breasts and asks "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she answers "You’re checking for lumps, growths, etc., which might be cancerous?"

The gynecologist initiates an act of intercourse and asks the woman if he knows what he’s doing.

She answers: "Yes. You’re getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Barber Shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

[clementi]

Joke: An elderly Woman

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal advertisement.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Country Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I’ve never been with a woman," he says. "But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!"

[clementi]

Joke: Only 24 Hours to Live

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?".

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die.".

She says, "Of course, Dear.". They make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!".

[clementi]

Joke: Graveyard Wives

Two women walking home pissed had to do a pee so they ducked into a graveyard.

They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away.

The other used a ribbon from a wreath.

The next day their husbands were talking.

We’d better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers.

You think that’s bad, said the other, mine had a card up her arse saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we’ll never forget you"

[worldangel]

Joke: In Heaven?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.

The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Hello, Mary?"

"Oh, Bill!! Is that you???"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I have lunch, then start all over again."

"Oh Bill, then you surely must be in Heaven."

"Hell, no! I’m a rabbit in Kentucky."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home Reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."

[worldangel]

Joke: Teddy Bears

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ’Well, how was it?’

The man says, ’You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Fireman

A fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya’know sumptin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we’s ready to go.

From now on, when I says ’Bell one’ I want you to strip naked.

When I says ’Bell two’, you jump on de bed.

When I says ’Bell tree’, we’s gonna mek love all thru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted,

’Bell One’ and she stripped naked.

’Bell Two’ and she jumped on the bed.

’Bell Tree’, and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out, "Bell Four."

"What de hell is ’Bell Four"?

She replied, "Roll out more hose, man, yu ain’t nowhere near de fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

[clementi]

Joke: Fat Head

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son.

"What do you want fathead?"

The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"

A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head".

And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man.

Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county.

Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county.

And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along.

[clementi]

Joke: Sex Life

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"

The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong Foot

A married couple was on holiday in foreign country. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a foreigner accent say, "You tourists come in. Come into my humbleshop."

So the married couple walked in.

The foreigner said to them, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The foreigner replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the foreigner, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the foreigner was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.

He says "well, pussy and bitch".

She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.

Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can’t handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him...pussy and bitch.

Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

[worldangel]

Joke: About Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. Then she yells, "fxxk You", and I holler back, "fxxk you too."

[worldangel]

Joke: 25th Anniversary

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward.

"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Problem

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".

"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".

"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc.

"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.

"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.

"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.

"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".

"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc.

"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wonderful Weekend

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!? There wasn't a plugged nickel in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Small Puppy

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane..

About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess, noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess?

"Ahh... Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Sometime later the stewardess noticed the man moaning, and shaking again...

"Are you sure you're all right sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What’s wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"

"No, that's not the problem.... The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Apartment Rental Fees

A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.

So, they spent the night together.

In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;

2. There was plenty of heat; and

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

[clementi]

Joke: Hard Knock Life

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that’s bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

[clementi]

Joke: Hillbilly CPR

Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer.

They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesn’t answer begins to turn blue.

The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth.

As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? I’d heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.