Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Xmas Holiday Tattoos

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos.

She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.

She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[clementi]

Joke: Eight Hundred Dollars

A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her.

Her husband takes a shower right after her.

When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings.

So the woman goes to answer the door ...

It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door

Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800.

Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs

Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan"

The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: To Las Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make a lot of money doing what I give you for free. In Las Vegas, they pay $400.00 for oral sex!"

He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.

She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied, "I'm going, too."

"Why?" she asked.

He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.

That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"

His wife became upset. She said...

"You tell me how to cook..."

"You tell me how to clean the house..."

"You tell me how to do the laundry..."

"And now you are going to put words in my mouth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: $40 a Month

Man comes flying in and races to bed room, grabs a suitcase and starts packing.

Wife, hearing the commotion, follows him into bedroom, watches for minute, and asks, "What are you doing?"

He replies, "I just learned that on the south sea island of Bogaa-Booga, that there are 10 women for every man, that men are in such short supply, that women will pay $20 a pop."

Wife watches for a minute, goes gets another suitcase and also starts packing.

Husband stops, looks at her, and asks, "What the Hell are you doing?"

She replies, "I want to go with you and see how you are going to live on $40 a month."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fall in Love

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned.

In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him.

That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh.

She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"

He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Buddies

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly...."

"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Will Power

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I’m knocking with?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new religious husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!"

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,... that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!"

"To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

[clementi]

Joke: Honey Bee

A model was shagging her boyfriend when suddenly a bee flew into her vagina

The model started screaming so the boyfriend called her doctor over.

The doctor came 5 minutes later he told the model to get into her four post bed and told her boyfriend to go and get some honey

So the boyfriend gave the doctor some honey. The boyfriend waits outside.

After about 10 minutes the boyfriend looks in the to see the curtains closed and the models clothes on the floor.

The man rushed in to see the doctor sticking his penis with honey on in the ladies vagina moving it around.

The doctor explains to the man how he was to trying to attract the bee out.

The man closed the curtain and then heard the model saying ’You naughty boy’.

The man again opened the curtains to see the doctor’s hand pressing down on the ladies boobs and pushing his penis more deeper into the ladies vagina.

The doctor than shouted ’I’m going to drown the damn thing!

[clementi]

Joke: Construction Worker

One time, there was a boy named Johnnie who asked his mom if she wanted to play.

She said "No Johnnie, why don't you go next door and see those construction workers build that house."

So Johnnie goes outside and watches them.

Then he comes in 6 hours later and his mom asks, "Johnnie what did you do"

and he replies, "Well, first we had to put the goddamn door up, but the muthafxxker didn't fit, so we had to take the cocksucker back down again, shave a few pussy hairs off, and put the piece of shit back up again."

[clementi]

Joke: Daddy LongLegs

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They’re mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

" The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said

"Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we’re not having any of that shit in Texas."

[clementi]

Joke: Had A Stroke

Three old ladies walking down the street

A naked guy walks by and jiggles his goods for them

The first lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke

The second lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke

and the third lady couldn’t reach.

[clementi]

Joke: Chocolate Island

There was an old motel out in the middle of nowhere when a big strong man walked in the door.

He walked up to the counter and rang the bell. A small woman walked out from another room.

"Yes? How may I help you? By the way, my name is Darly,... hot stuff" She said.

"Well actually I'm married-" he started to say.

"Oh fudgie!" she mumbled.

"Um well any ways I need your largest room." he said.

"Well okay. But the largest room we have is a very small and haunted room all the way in the back." She said.

"I'll take it!" he said as he took the keys and went to the room to start unpacking all of his gym equipment. Then he started to hear a small tiny voice saying: 'I'm on a chocolate island, I'm on a chocolate island'

The guy became so scared the he ran and jumped out the window and ran away with his teddy bear and pajamas.

1 MONTH LATER:

Another blizzard had came and a science nerd had went to the motel and asked for the largest room. He had gotten the same room the last man had gotten.

"I'm warning you, it's haunted" Darly said.

"Oh please, everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts" He said.

When he walked in he heard the same voice: 'I'm on a chocolate island, I'm on a chocolate island'

He became so scared that he too ran out the window and never came back.

ANOTHER 1 MONTH LATER:

Another blizzard had came and a famous comedian had went to the motel and asked for the largest room. He had gotten the same room the last man had gotten.

"I'm warning you, it's haunted" Darly said.

"Oh please, everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts. I may be a comedian but I'm not that stupid, sheesh" He said.

"Oh yeah right...that what the last guy said" Darly murmered to hersef.

When he walked in he heard the same voice: 'I'm on a chocolate island, I'm on a chocolate island'

He followed the voice to the bathroom and saw a cockroach sitting on a piece of floating shit in the toilet singing:

"I'm on a chocolate island, I'm on a chocolate island"

The guy looked down. "No your not your on a piece of shit!" He said. The cockroach looked up.

"I'm not?" He said with a tiny voice.

"No your not" The man said.

"Oh...okay..." he said. He started to sing again: "I'm on a shitty island, I’m on a shitty island!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stranded on Island

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that stopped.

He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved. One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and started it afire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high in the air. All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way.

He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved. The first thing I want is to take a hot shower - then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them.

With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP."

[worldangel]

Joke: Leprechaun

A man was in the restroom when an alien man came in and stood next to him at the urinal.

The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in.

Finally couldn't stand it. "I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've ever seen!"

"Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?"

"Sure!" said the first guy. "1st Id like an enormous mansion"

"Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow"

"2nd I'd like a beautiful girlfriend."

"Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning."

"3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!"

"OK, but I will have to butt-fxxk you first."

Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants and bends over.

The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis the size of yours!"

And the guy answers, "I can’t believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Son-in-Law

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Strip Club

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Couples

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[worldangel]

Joke: It must be your feet?

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Prostitutes

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down.

"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

[clementi]

Joke: Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants.

If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!

Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the KY Lube in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t Stop

Mom: Didn’t I tell you if any guy touches your boobs say "don’t" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?

Daughter: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Name is Cess

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an $!^*| beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Painted Wall

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Season Pass

On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180."

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

[worldangel]

Joke: 1 2 3

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Traveller

The traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Would you like to smell .....

A traveler stops in an unfamiliar city at the first tavern that he happens past. He stops in for a drink and happens to notice that he is the only male in the place...

He see two rather beautiful young women together and decides to send them both over a drink...

One of the pair comes up to him shortly thereafter and says in a sultry voice, "Would you like to smell my girlfriend's pussy?"

"Sure!" the man replies.

"Here...." as she blows into his face.

[worldangel]

Joke: Congratulations

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Young Lovers

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Guest amidst_the_stars]

Joke: Two Young Lovers

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

eh i don't get it. mind explaining?? heh

[clementi]

Joke: Face Lift

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I’m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks; What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it’s done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds

[clementi]

Joke: Ex-Girlfriend

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled .....so I told her to fxxk off.

[clementi]

Joke: Farmer’s Wife

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

[clementi]

Joke: Female Secretary

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ’dick.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

[worldangel]

Joke: I rang the doorbell

There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.

It goes something like this:

WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:

1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY

2. WON'T BEAT ME UP

3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX

After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.

"What do you want?" she asks.

"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."

"What about the sex?" she says.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mine is different

A couple had just returned from a date. They were at her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out.

Nibbling her earlobe, he whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy."

She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Any smaller?

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Advising Daughter

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.

The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

[clementi]

Joke: Fireman’s System

A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system.

He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the fireman’s pole, bell 2 they grab their jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.

He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go.

When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air.

After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4.

A confused husband asks what’s bell 4, the wife replies "you need more hose, more hose, you’re nowhere near the fire!

[Guest unravel]

eh i don't get it. mind explaining?? heh

if he puts his cold ears between her thighs to keep warm, where do u think his mouth is facing?

[clementi]

Joke: Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.

[casper]

eh i don't get it. mind explaining?? heh

Meaning that if the ear get cold, he would have to place the his ear in between her thigh and at the same time to have her cunt lick...

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St.

By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Babies

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

[worldangel]

Joke: Siamese Twins

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Forest Genie

There once was a magical genie in a forest, there was this fat guy walking from the forest after making his wish, later the next day he showed up at work with an 8-inch tall piano player.

His friend asked him where did he got the little man from.

He replied, ’’There is this magical forest down past 5th street’’, but when you make your wish you have to speak very slowly.

His friend asked, ’’Why do I have to talk so slowly?’’,

The dude replies, ’’Do you really think I would really think I wanted a 8-inch pianist to please my wife??!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Lousy Lover

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Big Guy

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."