Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The City Girl

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives.

Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexy Secretary

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ask for Directions

A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.

The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.

Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.

"You know you were fxxking me in the ass, don't you?"

"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.

"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.

"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."

Edited April 8, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Accident

A man's wife is in a very serious car accident and gets called to the hospital not knowing how serious it really is.

When the doc comes to him he says I have very bad news. Your wife is a quadrapalegic. She is incapable of doing anything.

You will have to do everything for her. Feed her, bathe her, carry her to and from her wheelchair, and do all the house chores for the rest of her life.

The man after hearing this breaks down in tears and loses it.

After a few minutes of this, the doctor says with a smirk; I'm just fxxking with you, she's dead.

[worldangel]

Joke: Eyesight

A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"

She turns to her husband and says... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dentist

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[clementi]

Joke: Mohawk Teen

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-colored mohawk sits down.

The old man just stares at the boys hair, finally the boy says "What haven’t you ever done anything wild or crazy"?

The old man replied "Yes, years ago I screwed a peacock and was just wondering if your my son"?

[clementi]

Joke: Not for Two Weeks

A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals.

First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow.

His mother, watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school.

When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I seen you this morning kicking those farm animals.

Since you kicked a pig you get no pork products for a week. Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a week.

Since you kicked a cow, you get no beef products for a week. Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done.

The young boy goes and waits for his father.

When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard.

The boy looks to his mother and says " You wanna tell him no pussy or do you want me to?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Mountain Man

This Mountain man is living alone for 20 years and decides to go to town to see if he can get laid. He goes to the tavern and asks the bartender if there are any women in town.

No, but there is old Joe. The mountain man says no thanks, I'm not into that, just give me a shot of whiskey. He drinks that and goes back home. The next week he goes to town again.

He asks the same bartender the same question and gets the same reply. No, but we got old Joe.

Again the mountain man says no, I'm not into that, but I will have a shot of whiskey. So he has his shot. Then another, and another, and another... After all those shots, he asks the bartender about old Joe, beause he is pretty horney and well, who would know anyway.

So the bartender sends him to the back room to butt fxxk old Joe. Afterward the mountain man goes home.

The next week he comes back to town and is talking with the bartender and he says "man I don't want anyone to know about what I did last week, are you sure that no one will know? I'm not gay or anything, but I'd kind of like to go at it again."

The bartender replies, "No one knows except myself, you, old Joe of course... and those other two guys."

"What other two guys?!?!?!" asked the mountain man.

"The two guys that have to hold down old Joe. He's not into that either."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Sex Lives

Two men were talking about their dismal sex lives.

"I started using alcohol as my outlet for my sexual frustrations," the first man told the second.

"How did that go?" the second asked?

"Not well. I kept getting my dick stuck in the beer bottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Blokes

Two blokes were getting tipsy in a bar, when the first one made a confession to the second.

"You know, I get lots of girls to bed, but they wont sleep with me."

"Why's that?" The second asked.

"They all look at my four inch penis and laugh."

"Four inches?? No wonder!"

"Yeah. Most of them say they can't take one that wide."

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor and Rich Kids

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cocks Changing

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly.

As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust."

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience.

He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy, he added,

"But confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially... me, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Reasons

One very hot afternoon a woman decides she'll walk downtown and go shopping. Since it's so hot, she decides not to wear any panties, just a loose skirt.

On the way home, she decides to stop for a drink at an unfamiliar bar. She walks in and sits down with a stool between here and the only other patron in the place, a guy.

To try to cool off, she swings around and puts her feet up on the stool between her and the guy. He looks down and can see all the way up her dress, including the fun zone.

He tries to be cool about, but finally he can't take it anymore, and he says, "Honey, I'd like to pack that thing with ice cream and eat it!"

She gets pissed and jumps up and leaves the bar. On arriving home she finds her husband, tells him the story, and demands that he goes down and kick the guys ass.

However, her husband refuses.

She asks for one good reason why he won't, and he gives her three reasons:

1. She should never have left the house without any panties.

2. She should never have gone into a strange bar by herself.

3. He ain't fighting with no man that can eat that much ice cream.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Elderly Men

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Aeroplane Toilet

This guy is in a plane and he really has to go to the bathroom, but whenever he went back to men's room, it was occupied.

The flight attendant noticed how badly he needed to go, so she said, "Why don't you just go to the ladies' room, but DON'T press any buttons.

So he went into the bathroom and got very curious as to what they did. So he pressed the first one marked WW and warm water sprayed off his butt. Then he pressed the second one marked WA. It dried off his butt with warm air. Then he press the third one marked PP and it powdered his butt.

He was having so much fun that he naturally couldn't resist the last one marked ATR. So he pressed it and the next thing he knew, he woke up in a hospital.

He was confused, so he quickly buzzed the nurse and she quickly came over.

"What happened?" he asked. "The last thing I remembered was I was on a plane in the ladies room and I was pressing a bunch of buttons."

"Yeah," the nurse began to say. "You pressed the button marked ATR; Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under the pillow!"

[clementi]

Joke: Nude Pictures

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[clementi]

Joke: Nursing Home

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father.

While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Turkey Style

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" he asks.

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Drunken Man

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

[worldangel]

Joke: Silver Condom

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like the Olympics Medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"

[worldangel]

Joke: S&M

One day, mom was cleaning Junior's room and she found a bondage S&M magazine in the closet.

This was highly upsetting for her.

When her husband got home, she showed it to him.

He looked at the magazine and handed it back to her without saying a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty-Five Dollars

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

"For a MILLION dollars?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!"

"Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five dollars?"

"Twenty five dollars? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?"

"We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."

[worldangel]

Joke: Body Parts

A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bullshit!" replied the husband. "There are some things you can't make. Besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching pxxno videos for years!"

Edited April 10, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Style

These two guys are walking along one day and see two dogs humping each other.

First guy says, "Hmm, I haven't tried that position before. Tell you what how about we see if we can get our wives to do it and we'll exchange opinions?"

They agree and the next day they meet again to exchange info.

Second guy says, "Did your wife do it?"

First guy says, "Yeah, nothing special."

Second guy says, "Really! I couldn't even get my wife to come to the park!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Brothel

A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The woman behind the counter says, "How old are you son?"

The boy replies, "I'm a young man, and I want to fxxk a prostitute."

The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son, but you're too young."

To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table.

"She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the stairs."

"I want a girl with active herpes."

"I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you," the woman tells the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table.

"She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the stairs."

So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still dragging the frog.

Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half hour, so she says to him, "I have a few questions before you go kid. First, what's with the dead frog, second, where did you get the money, and finally, why a girl with herpes?"

The boy replies, "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll fxxk the baby sitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and she'll get it, and then my mom will fxxk the milkman, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi Driver

After traveling a few blocks, Miss Bigtits realized she had no money and, immediately informed the taxi driver.

"You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.

The taxi driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."

"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied.

"This bra is only worth five dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Erection

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[worldangel]

Joke: When Specialists Died …..

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Ladies

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

(The pharmacist fainted.)

[worldangel]

Joke: Oral Sex

A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines and screens.

So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do.

The nurse says, ’ I think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’

So the nurse closes the curtains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room.

Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered.

The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.

[worldangel]

Joke: One Fine Lady

A woman walks in to a gynaecologist’s office.

He looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine.

He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her.

’Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.’

’Yes’ he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her.

’Yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.’

’Yes’ he replied. Then he mounted her and started having sex with her, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her.

’Yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!’

[worldangel]

Joke: Out the Window

A Redneck truck driver picks a dirty bbw woman hitch-hiking.

Down the road a bit she says "Pull over jackass, I need to piss".

He says, "fxxk that, I just got in top gear, you can piss out the window".

So she sticks her ass out the window and starts pissing.

Just then, two bikers go past and she sprays piss all over them.

Down the road at the service station one biker says to his mate,

"fxxkin’ Aaaaa, them truckies sure can spit!" then the other one says,

"Yeah, but you shoulda seen the lips on the bastard!"

[clementi]

Joke: Joanna & Adam

There was a woman named Joanna who was laying down by the ocean, Joanna was born with no arms and legs.

There was a man named Adam who was walking by and looking at the ocean, Joanna saw Adam walking her way and she said hello and Adam said hello back to her.

They begin to talk to each other, when Adam was about to leave Joanna screams "AAAAH!" Adam say whats wrong?

She said I've never been hugged, so he hugged her. When he was about to leave Joanna screamed again "AAAAH!" Adam said what now? She said I've never been kissed, so he kissed her.

Adam said I'm leaving now, Joanna started screaming again, "AAAH!" "AAAH!" "AAAAAAAAAH"! by the third time, Adam said "WHAT,WHAT,WHAT DO YOU WANT,I HUGGED AND KISSED YOU, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT NOW"?

She said that I've never been fxxked. Adam looked at her and said what did you say? I said I ever been fxxked, so are you going to fxxk me now?

Adam looked around to see if anyone was walking her way, and then he picked her up and threw her into the ocean and said "You're fxxked!"

[clementi]

Joke: Knitting A Pullover

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking."

He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

"Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"" I'm 22, sir."

"And her, what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

[worldangel]

Joke: JF Harder

One day there was this boy named Johnny fxxker harder.

You see his his dad's last name is fxxker, and his mom's is harder.

His dad was a police chief and his mom the principal.

Anyways he stayed after when the kids went out for recess.

Closed all the blinds. He told his teacher, miss Begay, to take off her clothes.

She said no, and he responded I'll tell my mom to fire you and my dad to arrest you.

So she did it. He told her to get on the table and said the same thing so she did.

Then the parents came and didn't see Johnny outside, so they checked the classroom windows.

There was an open window and they seen their son having sex.

So the mom yelled "Johnny," the dad yelled "fxxker," and mom yelled "harder."

The boy said "I'm trying dad I'm trying."

[worldangel]

Joke: Let Me Show You Something

A man walks into a bar and sees a pudgey, disgustingly pimpled ugly man with the hottest woman he's ever seen.

Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how the hell did that pimpled freak land a hottie like that?"...

Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but the funny thing is, he’s here with her every morning..... Why don’t you ask him?"

So the man finally gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask.... how in the world did you land such a hottie?"

The fat man replies "Well she’s a prostitute."

The man is stunned. "Well how did you meet her?"

The fat man replies... "Well she’s here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you’ll get your chance."...

So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman at the bar, sitting.

He sits down beside her and says "I’m sorry but I have to ask.... are you a prostitute?"

The woman replies "Its ok and yes... I am." "Wow.... how much for a handjob then?"

The woman replies "$700." "$700??!! Good God lady, don’t you think that’s a bit too much, shit!"

The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something"

She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?"

"Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs."

"WOW!!! That must be one hell of a handjob."

So he pays her the money and gets the best handjob ever.... his legs shake and lips quiver.

Next day the man comes back and asked "How much for a blowjob?" "$800" "Holy shit, that's alot of money"

"Let me show you something" she says.

She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city.

"You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah.." "I paid for those giving blowjobs."

"WOW!!! Thats one helluva blowjob!!!"

So he pays her the money and gets the best blowjob he has ever had..... his eyes roll back in his head and his feet tremble.

The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank acct.

He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I’ve got the best handjob and blowjob I have ever had in my life and it was from you....

I’ve GOT to know how good that pussy is.... how much?

Name your price. I’ll pay anything!!!!"

The woman says "Come here, let me show you something"

She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities.

"You see that island over... with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?"

He said "Yeah." She says "If I had a pussy I could buy that too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic Slide

There was these three little girls, and a magical slide.

The first little girl went to go buy her ticket to get on the magical slide when she went to go get it the the ticket guy said before you go down this magic slide make a wish.

When she got up the slide the little girl said I wish for a lot of lolly pops then she fell in a pile of lolly pops.

Then the next day a next little girl went to go get her magical slide ticket.

Once again ticket guy made sure he told her to make a wish before she went down the slide

When the little girl got up there she said I wish for a pile of candy so when she reached the bottom she fell in a pile of candy.

Now the last little girl came up, but no one was there so she just went up to the top of the slide, and she said wee-wee-wee,and she fell in a pile of wee-wee's.

[worldangel]

Joke: Monkey see Monkey

A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van.

He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up.

They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him.

The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van.

In a few minutes the same thing happens.

The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that" The driver says " Do you want to try it?"

The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me that hard"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a Salad

There was this couple who took their son on a camping trip and in the room they were staying in, there was only one bunk bed.

So the couple decided to lay on the top bunk and when they were about to have sex they made up code words for faster and slower.

Faster was lettuce and slower was tomato. When the son asked what they were doing, they told him they were making a salad.

The little boy then replied "Well could u be more careful because your spilling salad dressing on my face"

[worldangel]

Joke: Passenger on A Bus

One day on a bus, every passenger was female but the driver.

There was a student, a waitress, a flight attendant, a slut and a nun.

Then a guy boarded the bus and declared a hold up.

So everybody gave their money, jewelleries and other pricey belongings.

But the guy wasn't contented he said "I will rape each one of you"

so everybody got more nervous and afraid, the students and other ladies went crying.

So the Slut stood up and told the guy "Just rape me, since that is the nature of my job, I don't care how many times you want to do it, just let them go."

But the Nun slapped the slut in the face and said "Will you shut up? didn't you hear what he said"? He said EVERYBODY!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Painting Company

An owner of a painting company needs to hirer a painter for a job he is doing. So he goes down to unemplyoment to hire a painter. They tell him they don’t have any - the only person they have is at the moment is a gynaecologist. He says that won’t do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynaecologist.

Two weeks later he returns asking for the gynaecologist. They tell him that he has found employment and is no longer with them and that they now have painters looking for work. The owner of the painting company tells them that he really needs the gynaecologist. They ask him why?

He tells them that two weeks earlier he took the gynaecologist down to the job site and the front door was locked - he had no key. That guy painted the entire house through the keyhole!

[worldangel]

Joke: Pancakes

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet Skunk

We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks every day.

One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying...

"No pets allowed," she turned to me and said.

"What shall we do about the pet skunk?"

"I replied"shove it down your panties, no one will know".

"She then asked me"

"What about the smell?"

And I said "Well if it dies it fxxking dies!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Peaches

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"

The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?"

The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite.

"Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says.

"Turn it around," the old man says.

The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream.

The man thinks for a second, and says, "How ’bout steak nad baked potato?"

The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveller. He bites into it.

"Tastes like steak," he says.

"Turn it around," the old man says.

"Wow, POTATO!"

The traveller thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don’t have one that tastes like pussy!"

The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!"

The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"

[clementi]

Joke: Go Home Your Drunk

Two boys walked into a bar and sat next to a drunk

The drunk said: Hey boys "I screwed your mother"

The older brother turned to the younger brother and said "Just ignore him"

Then the drunk said "She likes it deep and hard"

That is when the younger brother said "Dad, go home your drunk"

[clementi]

Joke: Jewellery

One night a little boy was awakened by noise coming from his parent’s bedroom.

As he silently stood by the door and peeked through the keyhole, he saw his mother and dad screwing.

The next morning, he asked his mother what they were doing.

She replied: "Well, that’s how you get babies.

The following night, the incident repeated itself and the little boy saw his mother putting his Dad’s penis in her mouth.

The next morning he asked his mother the same question. She replied "That’s how you get jewellery."

[clementi]

Joke: Mailman

A mailman who had delivered mail to this neighbourhood was finally retiring after 30 long years.

So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on.

Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this little neglegie.

She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had.

Man talk about every fantasy fullfilled.

After that he takes him downstairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast.

After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it.

he says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.