Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Kinds of Nuts

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Wall nuts

What do you call nuts on your chest?

Chest nuts

What do you call nuts on your chin?

Blowjob

[clementi]

Joke: Mammogram

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Phalus Detached

A man gets caught cheating on a woman and they are having a heated argument while driving to her mother’s house.

The woman gets so mad that she reaches over and cuts the man’s dick off and throws it out the window.

The detached phalus hurls through the air and lands on the windshield of a car behind them, sliding off to the side of the windshield and leaving a red smear to the edge.

The car is driven by a Dad with his 9 year old daughter in the passenger seat.

The father, not wanting to expose his daughter to the horror of this reality, looks over at her with wide eyes and says, "Wow! did you see the size of that bug!"

The daughter looks over at her dad with wide surprised eyes, and replies, "That was a bug?"

"It sure was," says the dad.

The daughter thinks about this for a while and says to her dad, "Well, it sure had a big dick!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pharmacy

One day this guy and his father was talking about his son getting laid cuz he’s still a virgin so his dad calls a stripper/hooker for him.

But his father said to go and get some condoms so he don’t get AIDS

He goes to the pharmacy and a lady that works there said what size do you need and the son said "I don’t know I never needed them before"

The lady said "Go to the back and there will be a fence 3 holes then stick your dick in all 3 holes and pick the one u like the best."

So he starts to walk out back and the lady that works there ran out to the other side of the fence

He puts his dick in the first hole and she puts her mouth on the first hole and the son like ah.

He then puts his dick in the second hole and she put her ass on the hole and the son said alright.

He takes his dick and puts it in the last hole and the lady puts her pussy on the hole and the son said "That’s the fxxking shit I’m talking about" .

He puts his dick away and starts to walk back and the lady runs back she asks if he had picked one

He said "fxxk the condoms I want 3 feet of that fence."

[worldangel]

Joke: Party Games

The milkman goes to the door to collect his money, when he knocks the door swings open and he walks in.

The place is a mess, beer bottles and liquor bottles everywhere.

He is just about to leave when the lady of the house comes down the stairs.

He looks at her then looks at the mess

She catching the hint, explains that they had a big party last night.

The milkman spots a blanket in the corner with holes all cut out.

"What was that for?" He asked

Well she explained "We were playing party games last night, were we had all the men line up behind the blanket and stick there penis’s out the holes. Then all the women went along and tried to guess whose was whose."

Man that must have been some party wish I here.

Well you might as well have been here your name came up several times

[worldangel]

Joke: Pricey Lingery

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife.

After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on.

She took it upstairs and realized that it didn’t quite fit.

But, she figured, since it’s supposed to be see-through and since he’s almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.

So she came downstairs completely naked.

"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could’ve at least ironed the damn thing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Penis Ring

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis.

He can’t figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor hands him a tube of cream.

"Here. Put this on and the ring’ll be gone within the hour," the doctor said.

The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour.

But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again.

He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on.

The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning.

This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks,

"Doctor, the cream you’re giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning.

What’s the stuff you’re giving me?"

The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, "Lipstick remover."

[clementi]

Joke: My Last 3 Boyfriends

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they’ve had in the last year.

One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve named after soda pops.

The first one I called 7up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.

The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.

The third I called Jack Daniels."

Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn’t Jack Daniels hard liquor?"

The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"

[worldangel]

Joke: Regular or Decafeine

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.

Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked.

The man said he would like coffee.

The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"

"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular. . . ," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Private Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Red Roses

A young secretary, gets twelve red roses delivered to her desk.

Noticing this, another older female co-worker says " Aren’t those beautiful ! Your boyfriend is SO sweet to send those to you."

The younger gal groans her reply "Yeah, but you know what this means?"

"It means I’ll be spending the next 3 DAYS on my back, with my ankles in the air."

Puzzled by her comment, her co-worker pats her on the back & answers " It’ll be ok dearie......all you have to do is purchase a vase ?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Retailing

I was driving down the road and the guy in front of me ran over a cat and so I pulled over

The guy had ran over the cat’s tail and the cat was laying there and the tail was also laying there.

So I got a shirt out of my car and grabbed the cat and wrapped the cat’s tail back on.

A police officer then drives on by and arrests me.

I asked him "What’s the charge?

" For retailing pussy" The officer replied

[worldangel]

Joke: Refrigerator

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven.

Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die.

So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose.

When I got back to the apartement she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex.

So I checked under the bed and there was no one there.

I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing.

I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refrigerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him.

Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here."

St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in."

The next man walks up and gets asked the same question.

So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing.

I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall.

Then he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here."

St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.

Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question.

This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early.

So I go and hide in the refrigerator..."

[clementi]

Joke: Piano

A delivery woman comes to deliver some flowers to house.

She arrives to find a man playing on a piano.

The delivery woman asks him where she should place the flowers.

The man tells her to go ahead and place her tulips on his organ.

[clementi]

Joke: Pirates Wheel

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants and walks to the bar.

The bar tender looks at him as he sits down and says "hey man you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants right".

The Pirate looks at him and says "arrrrghhhh and its driving me nuts"

[worldangel]

Joke: School Work

One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school."

So the father replies,"Go your mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars."

So the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.

His dad says ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.

So he does and sure enough she says yes.

So the father says, you see son hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars

But realistically we are living with a couple of whores."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pussy Cat

There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw.

Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.

The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

[worldangel]

Joke: Rocky and Bullwinkle

One day Rocky and Bullwinkle were argueing about who wants to fxxk who first.

Rocky was saying" let me fxxk you first then you later".

Bullwinkle was saying" no let me fxxk you first then you later".

This carried on for ages until Bullwinkle gave in and said "alright then you can go first ".

So the Rocky fxxked Bullwinkle.

After a good fxxk it was the Bullwinkles turn to fxxk Rocky. But Rocky ran away.

So Bullwinkle is now chasing the Rocky."

Come back here you liar"" said Bullwinkle.

Rocky kept running until he found a bench.

He sat on the bench and picked up a newspaper and pretended that he was reading.

Then Bullwinkle was passing by and said " excuse me have you seen a squirrel named Rocky run this way".

"Or you mean the squirrel named Rocky that fxxked Bullwinkle" he replied.

"Oh my god" said Bullwinkle " is it already in the papers"..........

[worldangel]

Joke: Retard’s Twinkie

A little boy who was obviously retarded was attending an elementary school which was not too far from the local high school.

This was temporary as he was having problems in school and his mother hoped his grandmother would be more luck.

So he attends the first day of school with no problem but he decides to stay after everyone leaves for a project, then afterwards he is walking home from school and he sees the highschool and a lone car in the middle of the football field.

Curious, he goes up to the car where he sees a guy and a girl having sex.

The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off and landed in the field.

Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch.

The guy notices the condom is missing and sees the obviously retarded little boy holding it with a huge grin on his face.

He says to the little boy "Hey, Gimme that damn thing back!"

The little boy replies "No, it’s my twinkie"

The man again persists "Give it back now or I’ll kick your ass!"

The little boy replies "But no, its my twinkie"

Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn’t bring himself to beat him up so he finally says

"Look kid, if you give it back I’ll give you 20 dollars OK?"

quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could.

He flings open the door and his grandmother quickly greets him

He was so excited about the previous event he yelled at the top of his lungs,

"Grandma Grandma some guy gave me 20 dollars for a twinkie, even though I sucked all the creame filling out!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rocking Chairs

This old man and woman were sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs.

The old man reaches over and grabs the woman's breast and says,

"You know, if these gave milk then we could get rid of the cows."

The old woman doesn't say anything so he moves his hand.

A few minutes later he reaches over again and grabs her pussy.

The old man says,

"You know, if that could lay eggs then we could get rid of the chickens."

The woman doesn't say anything so he moves his hand.

A few minutes later, the old woman reaches over and grabs his dick and says,

"You know, if that would work then we could get rid of your brother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Red Dildo

A woman goes into a sex shop and asks the salesmen where the vibrators are and the sales man points to one of the walls so she walks over to them and she sees a very nice and big red one.

She asks the sales man "How much is this one?"

He replies "It's not for sale luv its a fire extinguisher"

[worldangel]

Joke: Quiet and Loud Sex

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a Sandwich

A teen was about to finish his senior year and he still lived with his 5 year old brother.

He was going to bring his girlfriend over for a good time.

He sleeps on a bunk bed with his little brother

He notice’s his little bro is a sleep on the bottom bunk.

He tells his girl friend whenever you want me to change position say lettuce whenever you want me to go faster say tomato.

She agrees

So they start

Lettuce ,tomato lettuce, tomato

Ten the little bro. Wakes up and says "Stop making sandwiches your getting mayonaise all over my face"

[worldangel]

Joke: Making Sentence

One day a teacher is teaching her class how to use words in a sentence.

She choose the word beautiful for them to use and the must say a sentence using that word twice in it.

She call on little Sally and Sally says "My mother bought a beautiful dress and she look beautiful in it."

"Very good" the teacher says.

She calls on the next student "My mom saw a beautiful recipe and she made a beautiful dinner"

"Very good" the teacher says.

She noticies that one of her not so favorite students, Timmy is raising his hand.

She call on him and he says "My sister cam home pregnant last night and my father said ’beautiful just fxxking beautiful’"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mommy, what are you doing?

One day a little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex.

He said "Mommy what are you doing to daddy?"

She responded, "Since daddy's so fat I'm trying to flatten his stomach."

The little boy replied, "Why bother, the maid comes to blow him back up every weekend!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mary’s Funeral

Mary is a religious woman: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon there after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time.

Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[clementi]

Joke: Missionary

Whenever a baby was born to this outback country tribe, it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.

However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.

The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation.

The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking. " I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me. "

They go outside and over to the sheep pen. "You see all these sheep here?

They are all white except that one over there that’s black.

I’ll do a deal with you.

You don’t say anything about the kid and I won’t tell anyone about the sheep, okay ?"

[clementi]

Joke: Mohawk Teen

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-colored mohawk sits down.

The old man just stares at the boys hair, finally the boy says "What haven’t you ever done anything wild or crazy"?

The old man replied "Yes, years ago I screwed a peacock and was just wondering if your my son"?

[clementi]

Joke: Molester

On a bright sunny day a paedophile and a young child are walking through the dark forest!

The child says, "Gee mister, "it's scary here!"

And they paedophile says " Yes , and I have to walk back alone!"

[clementi]

Joke: Mom Shocked

A little girl goes to her mum after school says "Mummy mummy I just saw Michael's willy"

The mums shocked,

the little girl continues "It was like a PEANUT"

The mum giggles, and replies "Why? was it small"

the little girl says "NO!"

"It Was SALTY "

[clementi]

Joke: Ms Moorehead

Ms. Moorehead was telling her class of a problem she said if there are three birds on a branch and I shoot one how many are left.

Now Johnny, who gave contraversial answers, said "none Ms. Moorehead".

She replied "How did you come up with that answer?" and he replied "Well the noise of the gun will have scared the others away".

Ms. Moorehead then said "That wasn't the answer I was looking for, the answer I was looking for was 2 but I like the way you think".

Johnny then preceded to ask Ms. Moorehead a question "If there were three women walking down the street each has a lolly pop one is licking it one is biting it and the other is sucking it which one is married?"

And Ms. Moorehead replied "The one sucking it" then Johnny replied "NO the one with the wedding ring on her finger but I like the way u think."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mopehead

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise.

He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car.

He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed.

Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "Oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"

Of course the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed.

As he was travelling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.

'no! it couldn’t be the boy on the mopehead could it?" He asked to himself.

Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead.

Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said.

"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Day

A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head.

"Stop! If you take one more step you will die!"

The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.

He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice says again.

"Stop! If you take one more step you will regret it for the rest of your life!"

The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.

He thinks to himself "Who is telling me this?" The voice answers

"You won't believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you."

The man thinks to himself”

"Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mirror Mirror .....

A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop, and hung it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."

Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both returned.

The husband crossed his fingers and said, "Mirror mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again there was a bright flash, and his legs fell off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Castration

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:

'The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need -- a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The salesman eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'It's my job,' the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about new shoes?' Joe was on a roll and said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, 'Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide.' Joe was astonished, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.'

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a second and said, 'Sure.' The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, 'Let's see ...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Air Force

A young man joins the Air Force.

He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises.

A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"

Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"

Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"

"Just a little at first" said the son.

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking Parrot

A woman goes to a pet store, and sees a beautiful parrot with a sign that says: "Talking parrot, $20."

She asks the owner why such an exotic animal is only $20. The owner says, "Well, the parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and I'm not sure what sort of things he might say."

The lady buys the parrot thinking it is worth the risk. She takes the parrot home, sets up his cage.

The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madam." The lady laughs, then her daughter comes home.

The parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl." The lady explains the story to her daughter and they both laugh.

The woman's husband comes home, and the parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl, hello Steve."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doorknob

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.

He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Couple

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died.

The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wolf Style

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to her hole and howl," replied the doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doggy-Style

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her.

"There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

[clementi]

Joke: Emergency

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[clementi]

Joke: Three Men standing in line into Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.

I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.

Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[clementi]

Joke: Nymphomaniac

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in.

The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It was a very hot day ...............

It was a very hot, steamy July day in the City. Helga, a hard working woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Goodness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot, I think I'll have myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks! Und how's yer pecker?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

The young couple is on their honeymoon.

After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says, "turn over."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blood Transfussion

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brothel

A girl was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandma to know. One day the police raided the brothel where the girl worked and the police had all the prostitutes line-up outside.

Just then, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not wanting her grandma to know the truth, the girl said the first thing that came into her head. "I'm queuing up for some free oranges, granny, they're handing them out here today."

"Ooh, that's nice, dear, "said the granny. "I'll think I'll get some, too." And with that she joined the queue.

By this time, a policeman was going down the line asking for some information from the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You're so old, how do you do it?"

"Oh, it's easy," replied grandma. "I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad and Good News

A man went to his doctor to have his penis examined because it was hurting.

After a thorough examination, the doctor told the patient: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," replied the patient.

"The good news," said the doctor, "is that we won't have to cut it off."

"Thank God," replied the patient. "Then what's the bad news?"

"It'll fall off by itself in a few days" replied the doctor.

[clementi]

Joke: Intercom Button

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbour, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder.

Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"