Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Miracles of modern medicine

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist.

The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says."Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're possibly getting Aids"

[clementi]

Joke: Heart Murmur

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.

As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

[clementi]

Joke: You Must Be a Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'

Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'

The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'

One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate.

After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'

The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'

[clementi]

Joke: Heart Transplant for a Prostitute

A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor...

Prostitute: "I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the man's organ?"

Surgeon:"Well, she's 36 years old and quite healthy. How long has she been in business?

Prostitute: "She's been working since she was 19 years old, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?"

Surgeon: "Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet! Has she!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When I have no money

A man and his girlfriend are having sex, when he asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, what the fxxk are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money... just looking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dick’s Card

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cinderella

Cinderella was sad. She had no date to the big ball, and even if she did, she didn't have a dress the wear. Out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appears. The godmother says, "Cinderella, if you want to go to the ball, I can give you a dress, but I cannot give you a date. Do you want to go?"

"Yes, godmother, more than anything!" Cinderella says.

"Well, stand back and let me work" the godmother says.

BOOM!

Cinderella is now in a skimpy skin tight dress.

"Now Cinderella, if you are not home but 3 AM, then your pussy will turn into a pumpkin" the grandmother says. Not hearing what her godmother had said, Cinderella rushed to the ball.

At 3:30 AM the fairy godmother is pacing around the house wondering where Cinderella was. About 3:45 AM, Cinderella walks in with her hair all messed up. "Where have you been!" the godmother yells. "And why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?"

"Oh godmother," Cinderella says."I had the best time of my life. I had sex with this most attractive man".

"Well, that explains where you have been, but why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?" the godmother asks "What was this guys name?"

So Cinderella says, "Um, lets see, um, Oh yeah, his name was Peter Peter, um Oh yeah, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hi-tech milking machine

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[worldangel]

Joke: Her arms get tired …..

A man had passed his 25th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating by the side of the garage.

"What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married."

"But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired after an hour!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Butt Light

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly

2. A rubber-glove

3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse...

"Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT"

[clementi]

Joke: Attractive Widow

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"

[clementi]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar...

with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottled and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

[clementi]

Joke: The Origin of Bullsh?

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree, sighed the pheasant, but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch, and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[clementi]

Joke: Dream Condo

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model.

The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments.

There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine.

Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy and Rancher

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog : "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool" Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (Total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...."Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothing but liars!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How to keep Dad happy?

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores and I Masturbate."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clumsy Bitch

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch".

[worldangel]

Joke: Midnite Hard-On

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

[clementi]

Joke: Dinner at Girlfriend’s House

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday to have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be quite busy.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[clementi]

Joke: I am from Minsk

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

[clementi]

Joke: Kids are not so dumb

Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Billy

A guy walks into a bar, walks up to the counter and orders a shot.

While drinking he over hears a few men talking. "Damn Billy how do you get your dick bigger" asked the first man.

"Well when I'm home I flick it twice tap it 3 times on my bed post, then jack off" replied Billy.

So the man walks out of the bar and goes home. That night he flicks his dick twice, taps it three times on the bed post, and jacks off.

The sperm then hits his wife in the face. His wife sits up and sais "Billy is that you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Please get me my ……….

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.

They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 'My feet are cold.

Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?'

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's college age daughters, both very good looking.

Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, 'Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me here to have sex with you!'

They stare at him and say, 'That can't be!'

He replies, 'OK, let's check!' He shouts at his friend down the stairs,' Both of them?'

'Yes,' comes the reply, 'Both of them!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Life

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded all the way up the driveway (after I'd cleaned up the mail box). I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hammer and tongs, on the coffee table!"

"And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "No, but the Praying group thought it was pretty neat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: April Fool

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my hubby passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch

[clementi]

Joke: Modem vs Women

The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.

2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

7. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.

8. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

9. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.

10. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

11. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.

12. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

13. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.

14. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

15. Modems come with an instruction manual.

16. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

[clementi]

Joke: Elderly Troubles

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing.

Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the jar open!"

[clementi]

Joke: Do you run in nude?

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining.

[clementi]

Joke: Annual Check-Up

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.

I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly"

[clementi]

Joke: Mercedes-Benz

A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.

When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for.

The driver replied "why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".

"Ah I see", said the man.

With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!".

[worldangel]

Joke: My Popcorn

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm. The man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend and whispers, "Blanche, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Blanche whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Louise says, "I know, but this one's....EATING MY POPCORN!"

[worldangel]

Joke: All freezing cold

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.

Again, the next day, the boyfriend is driving with the daughter and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid." She once again, gave her standard advice.

Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?"

The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered...do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Boy

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: No Hands

One day there was a young boy who was bored at home with his mother. He decided to learn a new magic trick. He then went to his mother, who was in the kitchen, and asked "mom, will you please teach me a new magic trick" his mother answered "I am sorry honey, but I don’t know of any at this moment, and I am too busy to help! Why don’t you go and ask your father."

The boy then went to his father who was in the den working. He asked his father and the father replied "I am sorry son I do on know of any new magic tricks and I am much too busy to help you! Why don't you go to your grandfathers shop and see if he can help."

The boy then decided to walk a few blocks to his grandfather’s shop. He asked his grandfather and the grandfather answered "I am sorry my grandson, I can't help you there. Why don't you go to the corner, ask the man with the long coat on, and see if he can help?"

The boy took his advice, went to the corner, and asked the man. The man then said, "sure sonny, first why don't you turn your back to me and I will show you a trick. Do you feel my finger in your ass sonny?"

The boy answered "yes sir I do"

Then the man, who was holding up both his hands, said "well sonny, take a look, no hands!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Beware of ………..

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Erection Problem

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best.

The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blowjob is out of the question

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and sits next to a man that has too much to drink.

He asks her, "Could I give you a kiss?"

She responds by slapping his face.

He then asks "Then could I feel your breasts?"

She responds by punching him so hard that he falls off of his stool.

He gets back up, composes himself and says "I guess a blowjob is out of the question?"

[worldangel]

Joke: She suffers, not me

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks the wife "what's the problem?"

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly. She suffers, not me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty Five % Increased

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.

My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

[worldangel]

Joke: Amputation

Nancy runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Nancy, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"

"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Nancy, "but it was the one right next to it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sick of Waiting

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replied, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

[clementi]

Joke: Buying Condoms

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

[clementi]

Joke: Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza micro-waved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

[clementi]

Joke: Proxy Father

After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.

Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then the darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ..equipment ?".

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

[clementi]

Joke: Adultery and Alcohol

An elderly doctor and a religious man were seated next to each other on the plane.

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.

Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

[clementi]

Joke: Father and Son’s Conversation

Son (S): Why is making love so enjoyable?

Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man

F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped.

F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?

F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.

F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?

F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm?

F: The same as sneezing, but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks?

F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?

S: What's anal sex?

F: Picking your mouth

ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH ?

[clementi]

Joke: Halloween Costume Party

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits.

After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.

Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

[clementi]

Joke: Handjob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"