Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: You’ll wake-up mother!

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fxxk sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fxxking morning!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: No Ears

A guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

[worldangel]

Joke: Regular Sex

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

Edited April 22, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magic Pills

There is this lady and she is struggling having a baby so the doctor brings out these pills and he tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.

So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"

Then she takes another and her husband says "Man this doesn't hurt."

So she takes, two more and has no problem having the baby and neither her nor her husband are in pain.

Two days later they come home with the baby and the milk man is dead on their doorstep.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Quickie Please

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.

All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ve Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbour, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[worldangel]

Joke: Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Holy Book that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Holy Book, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS" (He-Brews)

[worldangel]

Joke: Posh Fart

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Rich’s Man Dream

One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse.

Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.

The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.

The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in"

[worldangel]

Joke: No Toilet Paper

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "Man I really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no toilet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers

[clementi]

Joke: Naked Dinner

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening.

The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.

Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked.

The woman agreed.

Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad In Bed

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[clementi]

Joke: Do you know who Jack Schitt?

Jack Schitt is the only son of Aw Schitt, the fertilizer king, and Oh Schitt, the owner of the kneedeepin Scitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had six kids.

Their first little Schitt, Holy Schitt, passed on shortly after birth.

Next came the twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Then they had two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and then another son, Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married a high school dropout, Dumb Schitt.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have one son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happen's children are Dawg Schitte, Byrd Schitt and Horse Schitt.

Bull Schitt married an Italian girl, Pisa Schitt and they had a baby they named Hawg Schitt.

They divorced and Pisa Schitt remarried a man named Head. She now goes by the name Schitt-Head.

If you have read this far and don't know who these people are, you probably don't know Jack Schitt in the first place.

[clementi]

Joke: Blowjob

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars".

He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.

Soon another girl does the same thing.

Confused, he keeps walking.

The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?".

His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

[clementi]

Joke: If You Could ....

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

[worldangel]

Joke: No taking for 30 Days

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "What’s wrong, why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So what’s wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

[worldangel]

Joke: Mangled Manhood

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large.

The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Accident

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves.

He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Check Please!

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye.

In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.

Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out.

The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

[worldangel]

Joke: Picking Fruit

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit.

The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.

"Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.

The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."

The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.

"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.

To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"

[clementi]

Joke: Who Enjoys Sex More

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[clementi]

Joke: Your Sooooo Dumb

You got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!

A doctor would live next door while you bleed to death trying to call 911!

You cant count to 21 because you its too high for your fingers and toes!

You used a knife to bust open the door then discovered it was unlocked!

You were in a food market and asked where they keep the tools!

You put lipstick on the dog to test because the bottle said Not tested on animals and decided to try it yourself!

You looked for a K-Jewellers by a K-B-Toys!

You stared at your Kid’s juice box because it said concentrated!

You kept buying Coke bottles because it kept saying Try Again!

You can’t figure out the instructions for a pencil sharpener!

You decided not to buy your little girl a game boy because you thought it was for boys!

You looked in an Encyclopedia for the meaning of Practical joke and couldn’t find it!

You then looked in a Dictionary for the meaning of practical jokes and it said turn to Spare time and it said 2Wasted time and to turn to practical joke and, repeated, repeated, repeated...

You couldn’t find the zipper for your pants!

[clementi]

Joke: Blowjobs For Money

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sniff Test

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop.

Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it.

Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

[clementi]

Joke: Old Couple

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

The old man says "I'll have the soup."

[clementi]

Joke: Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[clementi]

Joke: Police Officer

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying.

The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks.

The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vengeance Is Mine!

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.

Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Distinct Lack Of Imagination

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel.

He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex.

Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away.

The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.

Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel.

The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road.

There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Desperate Measures

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more.

The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You reap what you sew

A man and his wife are doing yard work.

Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.

A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed.

He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky.

She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

Edited April 24, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Picking Fruit

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit.

The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.

"Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.

The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."

The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.

"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.

To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Horny Husband's Plot

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.

He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."

She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"

He replied, "Thank God!"

[worldangel]

Joke: In Search Of The Perfect Penis

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was.

His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad.

His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hind-Lick Manoeuver

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country.

She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Chicken And The Egg In Bed

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

[worldangel]

Joke: An Interrupted Journey

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again.

"Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Lesson That Will Always Be True

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house.

One day he stops to taunt the little girl.

He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boy’s game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter.

She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike.

"See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike.

Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Edited April 25, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Condoms Board

Man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.

The Pharmacist asks, "What size?"

to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure."

The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole your erect penis fits into is the correct size of condom for you."

20 minutes later the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, "I've changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board"?

Edited April 25, 2011 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Mike is Dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[clementi]

Joke: First Time Cussers

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[clementi]

Joke: Shark Challenge

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the

party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

[clementi]

Joke: The Head

There once was a boy called Matty who didn’t have a body, he only had a head.

Then it came to his 18th birthday, so his dad who felt sorry for him took for a pint down the local pub, Matty was very excited about having his 1st drink of alcohol , so the proud father came in and placed Matty down on the bar and ordered 2 pints.

Then the father poured the beer into Matty’s mouth, and once he'd finished a body had grown onto Matty’s head, so he kept drinking and by the end of the night he was a normal man, with arms, legs, toes and fingers, but Matty kept on drinking.

The lesson you should learn from this is to always 'Quit while your a head'

[clementi]

Joke: Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Chicken And The Egg In Bed

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

[worldangel]

Joke: Hind-Lick Manoeuver

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country.

She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Breasts Of An Eighteen Year Old and The...

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Lesson That Will Always Be True

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house.

One day he stops to taunt the little girl.

He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boy’s game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike.

Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An Interrupted Journey

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again.

"Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make.

I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"