Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Unhealthy eating

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in a big city.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else."

The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, "Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.

"Yes, you, sir, in the first row," said the dietician. "Please give us your idea."

The man grinned and blurted, "Wedding cake!"

[clementi]

Joke: Computer diagnosis

One day, Paul complained to his friend, "You know, my elbow is killing me. I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that!" said his friend. "There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply feed the computer a sample of your urine and it will diagnose your problem for only bucks."

Paul figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and walked to the drug store. Then, he poured the urine sample into the computer and deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Paul began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his pet dog, and urine samples from both his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the mix.

The next day, Paul returned to drug store and poured the sample into the computer. Next, he deposited bucks. The computer started making some noise and a number of lights started flashing. After a brief moment, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

'Your tap water is too hard... get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm... bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine... put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls and they aren't yours... get a lawyer. And, if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.'

[clementi]

Joke: To a strip bar

A Father, his Son and his own father all go to a strip bar.

They sit down and a lady comes over and starts shaking her ass in their faces.

"I know exactly what to do" said the younger father and removed a £20 note licked it and stuck it to one of her arse cheeks.

"Me too" said the son and licked a £20 and stuck it to the other cheek of her arse "Now you granddad"

So granddad said "I'm not stupid I know exactly what to do".

So he reached in his wallet pulled out his visa card swiped her arse and took the two twenties.

[worldangel]

Joke: Solve your medical problem cheaply

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.

Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.

Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist.

"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is per visit."

"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey.

"Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for !"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news and bad news

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.

"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."

The man, taken back, asks hesitately, "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."

"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"

The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Naming children

A pregnant woman from a city was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.

When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

[worldangel]

Joke: In a bank queue

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could tell that you were tense, so I thought I'd massage your back"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.

"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ll go blind

A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son

"Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"

The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."

[worldangel]

Joke: Magazine Salesman

A magazine salesman knocks on the door of a house out in the country. "Is your mother home?", he asks the teenage boy who answers the door.

"Yeah", the boy says, "but, right now she's in the backyard fukkin' my goat". The salesman can't believe his ears and begins to berate the boy for saying such a horrible thing about his mother.

"Look mister, if you don't believe me, go see for yourself", the boy says.

With that, the salesman walks around back, and, sure enough, the boy's mother is on her hands and knees with the goat laying the dick to her.

Noticing the boy's big smile, the salesman says, "Doesn't it bother you to see your mother fxxking a goat?".

The boy replies, "N-A-A-A-A-A-A!!".

[clementi]

Joke: A Touching Letter

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbour, Florida forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.

It's a heart warming story

Dear Safety Harbour Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old

and live at the Safety Harbour Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.

It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten

lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was

napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful

and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fxxk you.

[clementi]

Joke: Bag

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "fxxk!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[clementi]

Joke: Breaking Off

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"...Sue me for child support."

[clementi]

Joke: Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fxxk, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nudist Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man says: "You must be new here. It is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you have only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small part of our facilities..."

"Listen lady," Bob replies. "I am 58-years-old. I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

[worldangel]

Joke: New Couple

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbour replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 Oldmaid Sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: About Biscuit

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bathroom Call

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!"

"You're sitting on the mop bucket!

[clementi]

Joke: Biker Club

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[clementi]

Joke: Climax

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Split personality

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here."

The patient continued, "People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m getting my date drunk

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bar tender to give him 2 beers.

The bar tender hands over 2 beers and the guy drinks 1 and pours the other 1 on his hand.

He then asks for another 2 beers, so the bartender hands over the beer and again he drinks 1 and pours the other on his hand.

The bar tender gets pissed off and cleans up his mess again.

The guy asks the bar tender for another 2 beers, he drinks 1 and when he is about to pour the other on his hand the bar tender shouts at him "What the fxxk do you think you're doing? I just cleaned up your mess".

The guy replies "I'm getting my date drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Burning my ass

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Look at those Boobs

One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "Look at those boobs!"

The father, a religious man was disgusted by this and sent the boy to a military academy.

Six months later the boy came home, and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them.

To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "Get a load of the ass on that bus driver!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Flasher

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

[worldangel]

Joke: Foreplay

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Funeral

During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbours at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband.

[worldangel]

Joke: Fisherman

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.

Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[clementi]

Joke: Check Me Out

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

[clementi]

Joke: Grilling

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The wife chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad Cow Desease

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.

Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?

Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?

[worldangel]

Joke: At retirement home

An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.

The Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there.

For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch.

But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"

Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

[worldangel]

Joke: Campus making out

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out.

After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."

He says, "Why's that?"

She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Share a Room

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother....who's only 9 years old...

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things started to heat up. The guy remembered that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" she screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts up,"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Horny Parrot

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Overseas Business Trip

A man is away overseas on a business trip.

He is on his way home and walking through the airport when he notices a machine in the corner of the departure lounge.

On closer inspection, he sees a small hole in the middle of the machine, with a sign reading "Wife away from home, 25c!"

Feeling the lust in his loins, he looks around and sees he is alone.

He drops his pants, inserts the quarter and sticks his old man in the hole.

e machine starts to spring into life, rumbling and whering, until the man suddenly passes out on the floor.

Minutes later he awakes and looks at his todger, only to see it pissing with blood accompanied by a nice shirt button firmly attached to his prick.

[worldangel]

Joke: Clock Shop

A man walks into a clock shop one day and pulls his cock out and slaps it down on the counter.

The confused sales woman says to the man that they only fix clocks in the shop.

The man then calmly says 'I know. That's why I want you to put two hands on this'

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing Business

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[worldangel]

Joke: Suburban Couples

A group of suburban couples were sitting around on a Saturday night and the topic of conversation got around to birth control tactics. One said they did this, another did that, and they got around to one couple who said they used the Box and Saucer method of birth control.

When asked to explain what the hell that was, the wife said "When we have sex, we like to do it face to face and standing up but, as you have noticed I am much taller than my husband.

So when we have sex he has to stand on a box in front of me. When I see his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the box away."

[worldangel]

Joke: Middle age guy

A good looking middle aged guy meets a very good looking young woman in the bar at the Plaza in New York and after several drinks gets her to agree to come up to his Central Park view apartment "just for the view".

On the way up they go by Harry Winston's little jewellery store and she sees a beautiful necklace in the window. He says "if you like that we can pick it up on the way back". They go by Bergdorf's and she sees a beautiful dress; same thing "we'll pick it up in the way back. Next she sees a mink coat; same thing, "on the way back".

On the way back, she sees the coat and he says "let's go - let's go"; same thing with the dress and then again with the necklace.

When she complains, he says to her, "Baby let me tell you, when I'm hard I'm soft, but when I'm soft I'm hard".

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion".

[clementi]

Joke: Picture

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.

The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long!"

[clementi]

Joke: Prick

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent.

When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.

Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch.

Now I know why they call you a prick!"

[clementi]

Joke: Prisoner

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Restricted fishing area

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out.

Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"

"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."

"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.

"That's true; but you have all the equipment."

THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sam and Harry

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast.

Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?"

Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,

"Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Six Wishes

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle.

He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims.

"That must mean six wishes!"

"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".

The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted.

He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.

After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.

The guy can hardly believe his luck.

Just then there is a knock at the door.

He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead.

The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.

The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world,

by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Shoe

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of

clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree.

His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put

this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him

out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."