Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Young Mothers

The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he told them.

To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."

The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fireman

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk.

He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it.

He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Twinkie

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two midgets

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the nextroom, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."

The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.

"I couldn't even get on the fxxking bed"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow-Up Dolls

My buddy and I were sitting in the bar complaining about how long it has been since we were laid. So finally after a few rounds of draft we decided to check out the local whorehouse.

The house madame after realizing our state of intoxication realized she could make some easy money, unscrewed the light bulbs and put two blow-up dolls in each room and said "The girls are more than ready".

Later that night a little sober from the walk back to the bar, curiosity got the best of me so I said how was it?

Buddy says "It was OK although I think I got ripped off, she didn't moan, she didn't groan, she didn't even move she didn't talk. I think she was dead.

I said "I got ripped off too, All I did was chew on her tit she farted and flew out the window.

[worldangel]

Joke: Male Pharmacist

A very handsome young man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $2,000 a month in living expenses".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Gynaecologist

A woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor - I have an embarrassing problem - my pussy whistles!"

"Let me hear it" says the doctor - taking out a tape recorder from his desk.

The woman lifts her skirt, drops her panties and her pussy whistles the chorus from "Bridge over the River Quai".

"I'm puzzled!" - says the doctor, "but I have a friend who is a gynaecologist - I'll ask him for his opinion."

The doctor plays the tape to his colleague without a word of introduction - saying - "Tell me what you make of this!"

The gynaecologist listens pensively. He stares out of the window for a good minute after the tape stops as if preparing to reach a proud diagnosis. Finally, he turns to the doctor and says - "I give up! Sounds like some cunt whistling to me!"

[clementi]

Joke: Midnight

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times.

He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict.

Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock.

She didn't seem disturbed at all.

Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fxxk', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted"

[clementi]

Joke: Mother's Day

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you.

I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[clementi]

Joke: Nasty Grandpa

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no.

Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go fxxk yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I’m a YUPPIE, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I’m a DINK...Dual Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I’m a RUB...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I’m a WIFE...Wash, Iron, fxxk, Etc."

A second woman answers their question before they even ask it, "BITCH."

"What exactly is a BITCH?!" they ask in unison.

"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch", smile and say "Thank You!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Deaf People

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the

lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis. ....fifty times"

[worldangel]

Joke: What kind of Woman?

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.

The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wonder Drug

A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Well Endowed

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.

But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.

"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing.

It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand."

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Virgin Daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." (Mom fainted)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Big Surprise

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.

Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's.

He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him.

He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.

She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well.

That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel.

The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie.

Her husband was in the bed waiting.

As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey" he said.

She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.

He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good Goodness”.

I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 19 inches long!"

[clementi]

Joke: "Hundred Bucks"

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job ?".

"Hundred Bucks"

"OK", he said and began to jerk off

"What the hell are you doing that for?"

"For hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one, do you ?"

[clementi]

Joke: Lotto

A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell out!

[clementi]

Joke: Palm Reader

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

[clementi]

Joke: Little Guy

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar.

He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.

The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.

The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.

Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.

The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.

So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story.

I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp.

I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy.

Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."

The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"

"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."

[clementi]

Joke: Movie Theater

At the movie theatre, a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.

He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.

She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.

When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Politics

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.

I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Working Carpenter

A woman walks into a bar, and guy says, "Can I buy you a drink."

"Sure," said the woman.

After a few moments of conversing she finally asked, "So what’s your occupation?"

He says "I’m a Carpenter." ...."To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman.

The man states: "Well, I actually work extensively with Wood."

"1st, I get you Hammered."

"Next, I Nail You"

"Then, I Screw all your friends."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulled Muscle

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.

"How are you, Richard?" asked George.

"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.

"I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.

Richard yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Painless Dentist

A new dentist set up in a small town and quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of "Painless" dentist.

But a local chap quicky disputed this.

"He's a fake! " he told his mates.

"He's not painless at all.

When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else."

[worldangel]

Joke: Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are colour coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them are in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[worldangel]

Joke: Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess Who?

A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first night time "solo" flight.

He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land,

instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said: "Guess whoooo?"

Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights and said: "Guess where..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Accident

There was a terrible bus accident.

Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses.

The police try to investigate further but they get no results.

At last, they try to interrogate the monkey.

The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hooker

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

[worldangel]

Joke: Opportunity Cost

Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?"

"Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.

Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?"

"To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hanging Down

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hijacking

A plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess. He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the co-pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the co-pilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers something into the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot asks the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs..."

[clementi]

Joke: You are welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.

He is well-groomed and very well behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years.

In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

[clementi]

Joke: Do Not Disturb

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom.

There's a second door that goes into the closet.

And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

[clementi]

Joke: Absolutely

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.

So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colours.

Another little boy raised his hand and said "the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no,

they could be different colours at different times of the year.

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so.

And Little Johnny said, " Well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Divorce Proceedings

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.

"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

[clementi]

Joke: Drunk Talk

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

"You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

[clementi]

Joke: Forgetful Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.

You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[clementi]

Joke: Gossip

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

[clementi]

Joke: That is your problem

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night.

The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever.

In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.

"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel.

We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.

"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000.

You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"

"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

Edited May 5, 2011 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Blow Job

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[No Frills Factory Outlet]

Joke: Blow Job

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

LOL this is hilarious !

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Me A Beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sliding Down The Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

[worldangel]

Joke: Orgasm

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor to find out why.

After a number of tests, the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.

After about 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. "I'll shag her, you waft the towel" he says.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy pats his mate on the back and says "....and that my old son, is how you waft a fxxking towel!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Door to Door Selling

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she lifted the hem of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fxxked out of my peaches.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The Butcher

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened by strange noises coming from below.

He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst.

He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, a customer came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he didn't have any.

The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, Sir, is my son-in-law."

[worldangel]

Joke: Vibrator

This guy in a bar keeps hitting on a lesbian who is waiting for her date.

He just won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"