Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Bank Robber

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in

this case?"

"Yes, your honour," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here.

Does this mean that I have to return the money?"

[clementi]

Joke: Kidnapped Wife

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.

He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.

He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn’t been home for so long.

She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

[clementi]

Joke: Horny

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"

The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work.

On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.

Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.

At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning.

For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.

Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches.

At night, I give the wife another screw......."

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re about to come

A 75-year-old man went to his favourite bar and met a woman with whom he hit if off real well. They went to her place and had sex. The old man tried and tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.

A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to see the doctor about this oddity. The doctor asked him if he had sex recently to which the old man said that he had.

"Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.

"Sure do," replied the old man.

"Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor. "You're about to come."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

Little Johnny walks into his parent’s room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[worldangel]

Joke: 10-Speed Bicycle

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good and Bad News

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken aback, "What's the good news then, Doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient nods his head. The doctor replies, "I'm fxxking her."

[worldangel]

Joke: What do you hunt?

Walking through an old town, a young man approaches an elderly man.

"Excuse me, what do y'all do around here," the young fellow inquires

"Hunt and fxxk," the old man replies briskly.

"What do you hunt," the young man asks.

"Something to fxxk," the aged man answers

[worldangel]

Joke: New Position

A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can try to spice up our sex life!"

The wife asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies, "Back to back."

The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be done."

The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help us."

[worldangel]

Joke: Notorious Drunks

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

[clementi]

Joke: Bridge Anyone

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.

When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.

They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there.

As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say "Lay down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said "I've got strength but no length."

Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick."

I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."

Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour, and two other ladies said, Now it' s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if I didn't hear someone say, "Well I guess we'll go home now, that was the last rubber."

[clementi]

Joke: Chihuahua

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.

As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fxxking Chihuahua?"

[clementi]

Joke: Ginger

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits all over you!"

[clementi]

Joke: She Changed

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[clementi]

Joke: Knight

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asked the king.

"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."

"What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the West!"

"Oh!" said the knight, "Well, you do now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Modest Man

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Half-Time, Switch Sides

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[worldangel]

Joke: The monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everythingin sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Young Couple

A young couple go for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never had a $20 Bill before

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed. The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about dogs."

To which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims "Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer". They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation.

After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll "go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and keep the $20 for his trouble. The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar.

When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him. He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle.

Shocked, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!" The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vibrator

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Weeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place.

Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Broccoli Casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Head & Shoulders

Two girls are in the elevator.

The elevator door opens and a good looking guy comes in.

One girl is completely attracted to him and the other is also, but notices that he has dandruff.

So the girls both smile at each other acknowledging to each other that they think he's fine.

Then one of the girls turns to the other and says quietly "He needs 'Head & Shoulders'"

The other girl says, "Yeah I know, but how do you give shoulders?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Matternity

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a pxxno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Oriental man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage Counselor

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[clementi]

Joke: Mirror

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it.

The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.

She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

[clementi]

Joke: Pulled Muscle

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.

"How are you, Richard?" asked George.

"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.

"I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."

"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.

Richard yawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."

[clementi]

Joke: Super Drunk Man

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[clementi]

Joke: Man on Deathbed

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and five children.

Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine.

I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other four."

[clementi]

Joke: Enough is Enough

"Your honour," a defence attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred."

The judge looked at the defence table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies."

The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honour, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life."

Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer."

[clementi]

Joke: Fire Engine

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

[clementi]

Joke: Cigars

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour.

A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.

He might even find you in contempt of the court.

In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?? You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Postman

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Parents Get Gray

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, is your Daddy home?

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.

The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately.

Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail."

So the following week he shows up with his wife.

The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does.

He then asks her to turn around 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.

He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.

"Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc .... help me!

A guy goes to the doctor and stutters "DDDDDDoctor, yyyou ggggot ttto help me. III can't ssstop this stuttering".

The doc says "Well I am not a speech therapist but I will give you a physical exam to see if everything checks out". So, the doc give him a physical and tells the guy "I found the problem, it's your dick, it's about 6" too long. I can cut off 6" inches and you will stop stuttering".

The guy thinks for a minute and stutters back " WWWWell IIII don't kkknow doc I had bbbetter talk it oooover with my wwwwwife".

The next day the guy returns and says " OOOOk ddddoc mmmmmy wwwwife ccan't stand tttthis stuttering. Go ahead"

The doc goes ahead with the operation and 6 month's later the guy returns to the doctor's office and tells the doctor in beautiful unbroken English, "Doc the operation worked perfectly. I have not stuttered one word in 6 months. There is only one problem, I cannot satisfy my wife, you have to sew that 6" back on."

The doc looks at him and thinks for a minute then says " FFFFfxxk off."

[clementi]

Joke: Smart Ass

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.

"Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[clementi]

Joke: Genie Grants Wish

A redneck knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it.

Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him.

"I wanna be rich," said the redneck.

The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye.

"I’m no fool," said the redneck. "I wanna be a clean cut city boy."

And there he stood, white, blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

"Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life." And he was redneck again. .

[clementi]

Joke: How Long Doc?

Josh goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well.

The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in.

The doctor says, "Josh, sit down. I've got some bad news.

You don't have much time to live." Josh is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"

The doctor says, "10."

Josh says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"

The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."

[clementi]

Joke: Medical Convention

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.

Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

"That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anaesthetician."

"Wow, how did you guess?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Manners and Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Drugs are wearing off

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Lawyers

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Physicians

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Men

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Female Clerk

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf.

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the

same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated.

She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.....But it's startin' to twitch".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Little Guy

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.

Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in jungle hunting and you called that witch doctor an arsehole!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Today, I didn’t do!

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.

The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.

There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.

Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.

The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Perfect Man

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said