Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Unfaithful Wife

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful.

He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene.

Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,

It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,

I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

[worldangel]

Joke: An Oldman Routine Check-up

An eighty-four-year-old man goes to the doctor for his routine check-up.

The doctor says, “So, how are you feeling?”

The old man replies, “Just great. I have a beautiful, 18-year-old bride, and she’s pregnant with my baby. What do you think of that?”

The doctor’s eyebrows narrow. “Let me tell you a story about a hunter. There was once an avid hunter who went out to the mountains every year to go bear hunting. He had gotten into such a routine that one year he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his shotgun.

“So he was out in the woods and a giant bear ran up to him, was just about to maul him the hunter grabbed his umbrella, pulled the open switch, and do you know what happened?”

The old man was dumbfounded. “No, I don’t know,” said the old man.

“The bear dropped dead right in front of him.”

“Come on, that’s impossible,” the old man said. “Someone else must have shot it.”

The doctor smiled and said, “That is just the point I am getting at.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Drunk

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clumsy Idiot

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.

After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.

So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband.

On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.

The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Married

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys."

He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home.

Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight.

He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

[worldangel]

Joke: On the wrong bus

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Golden Saloon

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea.

He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

[clementi]

Joke: Mink Coat

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a checque!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the checque has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you

show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your current account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[clementi]

Joke: Rubber Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical glove -

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

Upon hearing this explanation the woman sat stoic, not laughing the slightest bit.

A few minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The dentist was baffled, and asked her what was so funny.

The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

[clementi]

Joke: Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away.

Our prayers have been answered!"

[clementi]

Joke: Wife And Mistress

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

[clementi]

Joke: Last Wish

Two men, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends.

But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying.

While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."

Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

[clementi]

Joke: Fight with wife

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?".

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[clementi]

Joke: Iron Man

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the bouncer would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a construction worker, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad and Good News

A 60-year-old woman goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

He examines her thoroughly and says, 'Well, I've got good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that you are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you.'

She then asked 'What's the bad news?' The doctor said 'I'm a little surprised, but you're pregnant!'

She flew out of his office, ran home and called her husband at work.

When he answered, she blurted out, 'You stupid old goat -- you got me pregnant!'

After a long pause, he said 'I'm sorry, but who is that calling?'

[clementi]

Joke: If you have sex with me .....

There was once a farming family which lived off their only cow.

One day, the mother woke up to find that the cow had mysteriously died.

Obviously distraught, she committed suicide, thinking that life was not worth living.

A few hours later, the father wakes up and finds his wife and cow dead.

He also commits suicide.

The eldest son wakes up and sees that his parents are dead.

But while he was trying to take his life in the lake, up popped a mermaid who said, "If you have sex with me five times in a row, I will make everything alright."

The son tries desperately, but only manages three times and commits suicide.

The second eldest son wakes to find that his brother and parents are dead.

Again the mermaid intervenes, "If you have sex with me ten times, I will make everything alright!" said the mermaid.

The son tries, huffs and puffs but dies from exhaustion after only seven tries.

Finally, the youngest son wakes up, sees everyone dead, and attempts to commit suicide.

The mermaid says, "If you have sex with me 15 times, I'll make everything alright!"

To which the boy replies, "Fifteen times?! You'll end up like the cow did after I finish with you!"

[clementi]

Joke: Visiting the Grave

One day a guy decided to visit an old friend's grave. He pickedup some flowers to put on the grave as a show of respect.

He entered the grave and put the flowers on the grave of his departed friend when he noticed another guy putting a beer on the grave of his friend.

The guy thought this was rather amusing. He shouted over to the other "My son, when do you think your buddy's going to come up drink his beer!"

The guy man shouted back, "The same time that your friend comes up to smell his flowers !!!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Fart all the time

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.

The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.

The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.

He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Married

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s Disgusting

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.

Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.

He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger.

He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[worldangel]

Joke: Yuck, that’s terrible

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[worldangel]

Lawyer Joke: Modern Technology

This guy is up in court on theft charges, however his lawyer tells the crusty old judge "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly the high speed modem"

"high speed modem"? questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer "it allows computers to communicate over vast distances".

"Amazing" says the judge "what will they think of next".

"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "my client can produce a receipt for the eight speed CD Rom".

"Eight speed CD Rom"? queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".

"Modern technology, baffling" comments the judge. "Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is".

"The super deluxe is the one with the real hair" replies the judge.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

[worldangel]

Joke: Bob the regular guy

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time.

Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up.

'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?'

'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.'

'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.'

Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna be the easiest grand I've ever made.'

'Okay Bob. You're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.'

Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack.

Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.'

'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.'

'Yeah, what about him.'

'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The Local Stationmaster

Ray, the local Stationmaster, was having a beer at the pub with his mates.

"I had an incredible experience last night," he said.

"I saw something lying on the tracks so I went to investigate. I found a woman who had tied herself to the tracks!"

"So what did you do?" asked his mates.

"I untied her and took her back to my place and made a strong cup of coffee. Then I poured a couple of drinks, put on some soft music, one thing led to another, and I finished up having the wildest night of sex I've ever had!" he bragged.

"Was she good looking?" asked a drinker.

"Dunno" said Ray, "I couldn't find her head.

[worldangel]

Joke: New BMW

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.

I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[clementi]

Joke: Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[clementi]

Joke: The Pearly Gates

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[clementi]

Joke: The Three Oldmen

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and botily functions.

The 70 year old says "I get up at seven every morning and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says "My case is worse, I get up at eight every morning and grunt and groan for half an hour before I have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says "At seven I pee like a horse and at eight I shit like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the other two men. "I don't wake up until nine!"

[clementi]

Joke: Doc, where the heart would be?

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[clementi]

Joke: Kids In Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[clementi]

Joke: Physical Check-Up

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

[worldangel]

Joke: Man of the House

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His foreign wife Gina replied, "The fxxking funeral director would be my first guess."

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday.

His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff.

His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day."

Bill relied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro.

"My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied.

At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom.

Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

[worldangel]

Joke: Paper Bag

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.

The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.

The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.

"But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".

"Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year" asks the doctor.

"No, how can I!?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag"

"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that"

"I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag"

"Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly. "As I suspected... Your mother must have been a carrier"

[worldangel]

Joke: I am similar too

"Doctor," the embarrased man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[worldangel]

Joke: 68 and not 69 sex

While making love, a guy says to his wife "Darling, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?".

So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

[clementi]

Joke: Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

[clementi]

Joke: The Old Spinster

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

[clementi]

Joke: Nursing Home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

[clementi]

Joke: Old Wives Joke

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. She called it the Dead Sea. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

[clementi]

Joke: Lawyer, Economist and Teacher

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands.

He says "I was taught to be thorough."

The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel.

He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly."

The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands.

He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding & Funeral

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[worldangel]

Joke: Rectum Stretcher

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

[worldangel]

Joke: I am too smart ...?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fxxking ship?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Gift

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Woman at Supermarket

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing Aids

An elderly patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.

Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."

Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"