Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I do when I am in kitchen

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal.

When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup.

This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chilie, and again her thumb was in the food.

He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pirate Captain

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behaviour for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Get my brown pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Piano Player

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eying this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.

Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"

The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am not a welder

A young boy was playing in the dip of a rubbish tip one afternoon.

While rummaging through the garbage he came across a welders mask.

Looking it over and realizing it was in good condition he put the mask on and lowered the front lid.

At that moment a man with a long overcoat came and stood at the top of the garbage.

He looked down at the little boy and said "Here little boy, do you know what sex is?"

There was a pause for a few moments and then the boy lifted up the mask, looked at the man and nodded "No", putting down the mask after doing so.

The man then said to him, "Do you know what oral sex is little boy?"

Again there was a pause, the boy lifted up the front of the mask to look at the man and again nodded "No", then lowered the mask and carried on playing.

The man then said to him "Here, sonny, do you know what masturbation is?"

This time the pause was a lot longer. The boy then raised the front of the mask, looked up at the man and said "I'm not a real welder you know".

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Stud

This young stud was at his favourite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so.

He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.

He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.

"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"

"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Whore House

This guy goes into a whore house and says he wants the best blowjob he can get for $100.

The madam says go to the room take off all your clothes and we will be with you as soon as possible.

So he goes to the room and takes off all of his clothes and a few minutes later a fine hooker comes in the room.

She gives him a blowjob and he busts a nut and then she reaches under the bed and pulls out a jar and spits in it.

He says will you do that again if I give you another $100.

She says sure. He gives her another $100 and she gives him another blowjob and he busts even a bigger nut this time.

She pulls out the jar again and spits in it. He asks what the jar was for and she says "I have a bet with the girl across the hall whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both".

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Change

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

[clementi]

Joke: The young braggart contractor

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.

"It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[clementi]

Joke: Cruises

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[clementi]

Joke: Low-level Genie

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water.

One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp.

It was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish.

The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[clementi]

Joke: That’s the beauty of it

Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station.

"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son.

"It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."

Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"

"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

[clementi]

Joke: First Day of Job

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager.

"Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

[clementi]

Joke: I am afraid to ....

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.

After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.

Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I'm afraid to pee....

[worldangel]

Joke: The three Guys

Three guys, who have just got married, are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions, having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive of how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening. One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

"All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night" he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for 4 slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear orders 6 slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a good on yer look.

The next guy orders a full english breakfast, and then asks for EIGHT slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter "Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please mate".

[worldangel]

Joke: 1955

Mitch Bailey went to the doctor about a problem. The doc makes him lie down and asks him to strip. The doc is pretty surprised to see wet semen in his penis.

"When did you last ...err... copulate ... you know... make love, Mitch?", asks the slightly embarrassed doctor.

"1955", replies back Mitch.

The doctor asks, totally shocked after listening to Mitch's reply, "1955...my...Jeez...somethings terribly wrong. You are the weirdest case in my 23 year old career."

"Why? Is something wrong?", asks a puzzled Mitch.

"Oh yes it is, Mitch, you have not had sex for so long and you still have fresh stains of semen in your penis. Something is wrong.", says the doctor.

"Well, I don't think so. I had it at 1955 and it is only 2030 hrs now, doc"

[worldangel]

Joke: Six-Pack

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off.

He is killed instantaneously.

After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: 50th Wedding Anniversary

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

[worldangel]

Joke: 19 Inches Long

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.

"Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces and 19 inches long!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: We are Sergeant now!

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what for you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Dog

Two guys sitting in a bar. One says to his buddy, "What do you do if you go home and find your wife fxxking your best friend?"

Answer, "I throw her ass out into the street along with her clothes."

"Yeah, but what about your Best Friend?"

"Hell, a rolled up newspaper and a "BAD DOG" will take care of that"

[clementi]

Joke: A Lecture

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"

She replied "He's probably out drinking beer with his buddies!"

[clementi]

Joke: Life-science exam paper

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Never goes sour.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

[clementi]

Joke: Nostalgic

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

[clementi]

Joke: Virginity

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[clementi]

Joke: Pretty Pussy

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

[clementi]

Joke: Doggy Style

A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.

"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He enquires.

His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggie on the back has broken his front legs and the other doggies giving him a lift."

The kid looks for a second and replies "Typical that. Try to help someone out and you end up getting fxxked in the arse."

[clementi]

Joke: Premature Ejaculation

Fella is having problems with premature ejaculation, so he goes to see his doctor.

Doc says, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, do something to startle yourself. That will distract you enough that the urge will pass."

The guy buys a starter's pistol and some blanks, then head for home. By chance he finds his wife nude, in bed waiting for him. They get down to business and are in the "69" position when he suddenly gets the urge. He picks up the pistol and fires a shot. The next day he goes back to see the doctor, who asks, "How did it go?"

The guy says, "Not very well. When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands raised."

[worldangel]

Joke: I would better run

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked.

All of a sudden one of the boys took off running.

The other boy took off after his friend.

After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.

"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

[worldangel]

Joke: Teabag

Morris wakes up in the morning.

He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.

He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on.

He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe.

Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.

He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is...

"Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

[worldangel]

Joke: $500

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Quit Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm Bank

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband... "Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

[worldangel]

Joke: Robbery

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

"This is a stickup!" He yells. "Put all your dough in a bag!"

"Don’t shoot," pleads the barkeep. "I’ll do whatever you say!"

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over.

The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, "All right, now give me a blow job!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender. "Just don’t shoot!"

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy.

After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber.

"Hold the gun, dammit," he says. "One of my friends might walk in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Doctor did it

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.

"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

"Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute."

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.

"Maybe you should iron it first," he said.

[clementi]

Joke: Wife Goes Hunting

It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, "What are you up to?"

Mary smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"'

[clementi]

Joke: Clean Glass please !

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one had the clean glass?"

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in science class. The professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor.

He had one glass of water and one glass of wine. So the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy.

He sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead.

So the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you won’t get worms"

[clementi]

Joke: Sergeant Jones

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him.

Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!"

Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted.

Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset."

Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful Baby

An obstetrician delivers a baby for a beautiful young woman.

The baby has blue eyes, blonde hair, black skin and narrowed eye groves.

"You should be more careful with the orgies you have" - the doctor says.

"I just thank God he is not barking" - she answered.

[worldangel]

Joke: Meet me at room no.9

A man's running through the hospital, when he accidently runs straight into the breasts of one hell of a nice looking nurse.

The man, surprised by her soft tits says "If your heart is as soft as your tits, you surely should forgive me."

The nurse looks at the man, licks her lips and then says "mmm... well if your dick's as hard as your elbow meet me in room nine."

[worldangel]

Joke: Twinkie

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut.

When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her.

Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.

"You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns.

"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wack-wack-wack

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he does the lights dim, some curtains open and there stands a 60ish looking guy with his pants down and a huge hard on. In front of him is a bar stool on which are 6 walnuts. Suddenly, wack-wack-wack, the guy cracks all six nuts in quick succession with his penis. The lights come back up, the curtains close, and the bar goes back to normal. "That was weird" the guy says to himself, finishes his beer and leaves.

20 years later the guy is travelling in the same area and decides to stop in at the same bar. He orders a beer. As he does the lights dim, some curtains open and there stands the same guy, now 80ish with his pants down and a huge hard on. In front of him is a bar stool on which are 6 coconuts. Suddenly, wack-wack-wack, the guy cracks all six nuts in quick succession with his penis. The lights come back up, the curtains close, and the bar goes back to normal.

The guy is curious and wants to find out what this is all about. He goes back stage and there is the old guy sitting on the stool smoking a cigarette. He tells the old guy he saw him 20 years ago cracking walnuts, and now he sees him 20 years later cracking coconuts, what's the deal.

"Well" says the old guy, "the old eyes aren't what they used to be."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bullfrog

A man walks by a pet store and sees a sign that says bullfrog $1500.

He goes in and asks the clerk why it is $1500.

The clerk says, "It will give the best blow job you ever had. Try it out.

The guy does and says "You weren't joking." and decides to buy it.

About two hours later his wife comes home and sees milk, flour and eggs all over the kitchen and the bullfrog on the counter.

She asked her husband what was going on and he says, "As soon as I can teach that son of a bitch to cook biscuits your ass is gone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Identical Twins

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle...".

The old woman fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathroom Story

A wife was having a shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Paddy. "Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled.

Paddy came running in, "Paddy, Oi've suctioned meself to the floor" she said.

"Ohhh dear!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "Nope, Oi cannot do it" Murphy said, "Lets try Plan C"

"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy, "What's dat den"?

"Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."

"All roight" Paddy said, "While your doing dat, oi'll stay here and play with her tits".

"Play with her tits?" Murphy said "Why would you be wanting to do dat then?"

Paddy replied "Well oi figure if oi can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace."

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s just a Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it’s just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the "statue". "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

[clementi]

Joke: Zookeeper

A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview.

The interviewer invited the guy into his office, asked him to take a seat and sat down behind his desk to begin the interview.

"So, do you have any experience in this field." the interviewer asked.

"Oh yes. I am more than qualified for this position", the guy replied.

"And what type of experience do you have then?" the interviewer asked.

"I was raised in the Mahale Mountains in Tanzania by monkeys." the guy replied.

The interviewer was convinced he had a real nut case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. Peering over the rim of his glasses he asked, "Ah yeah, what did you say your name was again?"

"Jim...Jim Pan-Zee."

[clementi]

Joke: New Employee

The "Tickle me Elmo" factory just got a new employee.

One day two guys go to the boss and complain about the new worker.

So the boss goes to see the lady and they find her with a lot of Elmo's and a big bag of marbles and some red fabric.

The lady is carefully putting two marbles in a piece of red fabric and then sewing that between Elmo's legs.

The boss starts laughing and says, "I told you to give Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!"

[clementi]

Joke: How to become rich?

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."