Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.

He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

[clementi]

Joke: Digital Rectal Thermometer

On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

[clementi]

Joke: Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up pretty bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.

Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'I’m over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knew he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

[worldangel]

Joke: The Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.

He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man.

"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[worldangel]

Joke: What a jerk I am?

Two guys walk into an airport terminal and approach the ticket counter. Standing behind the counter is this beautiful blond with enormous breasts which the first guy can't take his eyes off of.

She asks, "May I help you sir?" and he unwittingly replies, "Yes, I need two pickets to Tittsburg." He instantly realizes his gaff and flees the counter in embarrassment and leaves his friend to obtain the tickets.

The second guy finds his friend nearby and asks, "You asshole, how he could you have said such a stupid thing?"

His friend responds, "I know, what a jerk I am. All my life I've been obsessed with women's breasts and I thought I finally disciplined myself to ignore them and behave civilly toward women who are well-endowed and then I go and say something stupid anyway. I don't know what happened."

His buddy, trying to console him says, "Don't worry about it. It's very common for people to sometimes allow their conscious and sub-conscious to become confused and often times people inadvertently say what they would only normally think. It is very common and it happens to people all the time."

"You really think so?" his friend asks.

"Of course," he says. "The same thing just happened to me this morning at the breakfast table. There I was having breakfast when my wife asks me if I want another cup of coffee. So what do I say in response... You fat bitch, you wrecked my fxxking life."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Ass

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was travelling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker. He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.

Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule. It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a travelling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but didn't notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions. The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"

"Sure" replied the old man. "You're right on the edge of my ass." The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else. He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area.

He saw another man walking down the street. He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost." The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You're right smack dab in the middle of my ass!"

At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant. He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before travelling on to the next town.

The waitress walked over and asked, "What'll you have stranger?"

The man replied, "I think I'll have the crab platter."

The waitress replied, "I'm sorry sir, we're all out of crabs. My husband looked all over my ass last night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bed Wetting Problem

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go the doctor. The Dr. tells her to undress and to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a Dr. and gets in front of the mirror.

The Dr. goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her after she gets dressed.

The lady puts her clothes back on and asks the Doc what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doc why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "Oh. I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where babies come from?

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day.

Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye and said in a confidential tone, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewellery comes from."

[worldangel]

Joke: Now you're fxxked

There was a guy walking on a beach, and he saw a pretty young lady with no clothes, but no arms or legs either.

He walked up to her and she was crying. He said, "What’s wrong?"

She said, "I'm 25 years old, I'm paraplegic, and I’ve never been kissed."

He said, "Well we'll just have to fix that." So he picked her up, kissed her and set her back down." He started to walk away when she started to cry again.

"What's the matter now?" he said.

She said, "Well, I'm 25 years old, I'm paraplegic and I've never been fxxked."

He looked at his watch, walked up to her, picked her up and threw her into the ocean. He said "Now you're fxxked."

[worldangel]

Joke: Desperate Measures

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more.

The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.

So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.

"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.

"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."

"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"

Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost at the YMCA

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Story of Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[worldangel]

Joke: Oral Sex

A man named Dino has a job which subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Dino adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the Company doctor.

During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night. Dino admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.

He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.

The doctor asked "Then what happened?"

Dino told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.

"Don't tell me that you did it", said the doctor.

"Sure I did", answered Dino. "Why, what's the matter"?

"Well", said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate".

[worldangel]

Joke: Hotdog

Guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over.

He then orders a hamburger with catsup and a hot dog.

So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.

So the man asks, “Where's the burger?”

Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, “I was keeping it warm.”

Disgusted he says, “Please cancel my hotdog...”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Small Problem

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Gift

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift.

They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!"

But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I've forgotten her name

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.

Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ask the Doctor

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know, if I can still mow the lawn.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Citizen bus tour

On a senior citizen bus tour, while the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!''

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!''

This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''

The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's is parted on the side!.''

[clementi]

Joke: Murderer’s Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

[clementi]

Joke: Came & Elephant

One day a camel and an elephant met.

The elephant asked the camel "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replied "What a stupid question from someone who has a dick on his face"

[clementi]

Joke: Fat-headed Son

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla." He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says: "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.

Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town.

Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy, and I had that, too, until fat-head here came along."

[clementi]

Joke: Doc, make me sterile!

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

[clementi]

Joke: New hairless Maid

Mrs. Smith hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Smith tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Smith asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Smith pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Smith says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[clementi]

Joke: The Scouser

A Scouser is sitting in a bar getting pleasantly pissed when a bloke walks up to him a whispers in his ear "Do you fancy a blow job?"

The Scouser puts his pint down and proceeds to kick the living shit out of the bloke, continuing the barrage out on to the street until he's done and walks back in.

"Goodness" Says the Landlord "I've never seen you get that angry before, what did he say to you?"

"Dunno" replies the Scouser "Something about a job".

[clementi]

Joke: Bullshitting

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[clementi]

Joke: Screw and Twist

In the Summer of 1958 Robby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty cool guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Robby.

Carrie's father asks Robby what they're planning to do.

Robby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Robby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Robby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Robby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Would you let me bite your .....

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in big city, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[worldangel]

My 6,000 posts

Joke: Condom Salesman

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.

A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company." :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Putting Affairs in Order

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard to please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." :swear:

[crazygolfer]

Joke: What’s the Difference?

What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48?

Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.

Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Young Couple Honeymoon

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!

I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[clementi]

Joke: My Grandpa

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week.

On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"

"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered.

This went on for the rest of the week.

On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through.

So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

[clementi]

Joke: Bicycles

A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states.

He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go.

The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out.

Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years.

One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?"

Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.

[clementi]

Joke: Genius

A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner.

He, the son had two cakes in his plate.

After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, "Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"

"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said, "This is one,"

Then, pointing to the third, he said, "This is two. One and two make three."

"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."

[clementi]

Joke: Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

[clementi]

Joke: Scoreboard

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fxxked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.

Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fxxking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

[clementi]

Joke: Local Mechanic Shop

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[clementi]

Joke: Get the Bag

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "fxxk!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[clementi]

Joke: Diarrhea - Gonorrhea

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

[clementi]

Joke: Buying Condom

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

[clementi]

Joke: The Trucker

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."

The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

[clementi]

Joke: Speeding

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding.

As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

[clementi]

Joke: Barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[clementi]

Joke: Go Ahead!

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake.

You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.

I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good.

That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.

You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours.

You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.

He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!" :clap:

[clementi]

Joke: The Balcony

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[clementi]

Joke: After Company’s X’mas Party

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[clementi]

Joke: The Policeman

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, let’s go to the beach."

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."