Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: I’m doing his Business

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

"How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Blind Man And The Whore

A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for a girl.

The madam figures, since he's blind, she'll just give him an inflatable, lifesize doll -- he won't know the difference.

So the man goes in the room with the inflatable girl and comes out five minutes later.

The madam asks him what happened and he says, “I slapped her ass, she farted and blew out the window.”

[clementi]

Joke: Gallery

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[clementi]

Joke: Bride and Groom-to-be

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings.

As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

[clementi]

Joke: Hot-air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[clementi]

Joke: The Robbers

Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer.

The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught.

Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous.

A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted".

As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Judge

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.

The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

[clementi]

Joke: After work

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious.

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dirty Wife

A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex life.

So, she goes to the adult novelty store and came back with some crotchless panties.

She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home.

When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties, asking, "You want some of this?"

"Hell no," says the husband, "Look what it did to your underwear!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife's Work On The Sly

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.

"5th and Main, please."

"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work."

"Really? My wife doesn't work."

"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I drive you to work."

"There?"

"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."

"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours, and I want you to show me where my wife works."

So two hours later, the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman & Lane.

"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."

There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out with a woman in a headlock.

"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.

"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Lady Shakes

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.

"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"How do you turn them off?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Macho

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?''

His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Friends

One Day three friends were walking along and get stopped by a hooker.

She makes an offer of $50 to have sex on the grass, $100 in the back seat of a sedan, and $150 on her bed.

The first one offers her $50 and he has sex with her on the grass.

The second guy coughs up $100 for sex in a car and she more happily accepts and they went for it.

The third guy flaps out a stack of $300. She says, "Now you see boys, this man has some class!"

He looks at her in a funny way and says, "Class? My ass! Six times ON THE GRASS!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Oldest Couple Ever

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.

"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer.

"You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her.

"You used to nibble on my ear."

"Let me get my teeth."

[worldangel]

Joke: Satisfaction

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman.

All was going well... except in the bedroom.

He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex -- that way, he'd last longer.

The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road.

But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car.

He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

"I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."

"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Newlyweds

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?''

''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...''

Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!''

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?''

''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''

''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!''

Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''

Edited May 15, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon.

Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.

''On our first night," the woman said, "you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?"

''On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strict Sex Schedule

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten Cents

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs.

Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income.

The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect.

But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring.

She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.

"$398.10," she said.

"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.

"Everybody."

[worldangel]

Joke: What Men Need Most

A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

''I'm afraid not, sir,'' the clerk told him apologetically, ''but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whir.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ''Manicures - 25 cents.''

"Why not?'' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, ''This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -- 50 cents.''

The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, unzipped his fly and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis...with a button perfectly sewn on top.

[worldangel]

Joke: Powder

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, ''Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?''

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. ''Where the hell have you been?!?!'' she screaches.

''Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.''

''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!''

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, ''You liar! You went bowling again!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Moms and Their Snooping

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"

I didn't even know that she had a penis!

[clementi]

Joke: What time it is?

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy.

"At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend.

"You still have ten minutes."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad News

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.

"How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks.

"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage Proposal

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.

The man finally decided to ask her to marry.

She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!

"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call.

Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

[clementi]

Joke: No Change for Reward

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping.

An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her.

The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny.

When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.

Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

[clementi]

Joke: 25 Cents

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief were began to wrestle.

They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight.

However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him.

All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?"

Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

[clementi]

Joke: Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Carpet Installer

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do.

Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation.

Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat.

He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[clementi]

Joke: Pills that worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning.

He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Topless Sunbather

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof.

When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off.

She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway.

Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps.

It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.

"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."

"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."

"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends .

One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, ''St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!''

St. Peter said, ''My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.''

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.

St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, ''Are you sure I'm in the right place?'

''My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Sheep Soup

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction site.

The construction workers usually had their lunches in there, their favourite meal being beef soup.

But one day the chef ran out of meat and in his panicked state he ran out the door in the hope of finding a ride to town.

After noticing that there was no vehicles nearby he sadly started walking back to his restaurant.

Upon nearing the construction site he saw a sheep tied up on a pole nearby.

He was so happy that he untied the sheep and proceeded to his place.

At lunchtime the construction workers walked in and ordered their favorite soup.

During the meal, the guys started exclaiming in delite that the soup tasted extremely good today and asked what was the reason for that.

The chef was pleased and proceeded to tell them about his predicament.

Everyone stopped eating with a dazed look on their faces.

The chef asked, "What's the matter boys, did I screw up the cooking?"

"No." replied the foreman of the construction team, "you cooked up the screwing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavenly Reward

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

[clementi]

Joke: New Driving License

Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license.

To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

[clementi]

Joke: Playing Bridge

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well.

One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?"

There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

[clementi]

Joke: Switch Heads

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

[worldangel]

Joke: The Raffle

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrive home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Tale of The Three Holes

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.

"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.

"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.

"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Hookers

Two hookers were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said, ''TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.''

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that moment, another car passed with a sign saying, ''God Saves.'' The hookers asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, ''Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion.'' So the two ladies took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read, ''TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[clementi]

Joke: The Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert was lecturing a group of business people on useful time-saving techniques.

He concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" one of the guys in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

[clementi]

Joke: Old Smokers

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist asks her very delicately what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[clementi]

Joke: At the Doctor

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body.

"That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!"

Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!"

Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face.

She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination.

"Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Florist's Mistake

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".

[worldangel]

Joke: Self-Esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mourning

A woman had just lost her husband. So she meets a guy who is instantly interested in her.

Well he is a patient guy and decides to be nice to her.

Well one day they go away on a vacation and soon things get heated up, but she takes everything off except for her black panties.

So he asks her "Why the black panties?" So she says "Well I haven't finished moarning down there.

" So he says "ok". Anyway this goes on for two days and on the third day she notices that he has a black condom on.

So she asks him, "What's with the black condom?"

So he replies, "I want to show you just how sorry I am."

[worldangel]

Joke: Surprise Package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him.

''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''

''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''

''I'm Jim.''

''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''

''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.

''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.

''Is it your brother?''

''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''

Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.

''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''

''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.

Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''

[worldangel]

Joke: The Businessman's Medical Problem

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors.

They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.”

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Asia.

The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my continent. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”

The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."