worldangel Posted May 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 Joke: The Naked TruthThis guy is having an affair with a married woman, and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in. He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?'' Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.'' The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.'' Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.'' The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!'' The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping. The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?'' He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.'' The husband looks him over and asks says,'' But you're naked.'' The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.'' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 18, 2011 Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Joke: Thank you For Flying With UsA Boeing B-747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.'' Edited May 18, 2011 by clementi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 18, 2011 Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 Joke: Stumped DocA man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange. The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?” The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch pxxno flicks and eat Cheetos.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 18, 2011 Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 Joke: How To Sell LawnmowersA young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 18, 2011 Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 Joke: No More Labour PainsA married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: Blonde Flying A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The flight attendant rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head flight attendant doesn't know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so she goes and gets the co-pilot.The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: Emotional Extremes The students of psychiatry were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: Free Haircuts One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.The next day a Fireman goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop and there are two dozen other Firemen waiting for free haircuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: A Dollar ChangeA young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch."Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: Don’t Look DownAt exactly the same time, there were 2 men on opposite sides of the world: One was walking a tight rope between 2 skyscrappers, and the other was getting oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They were both thinking to themselves exactly the same thing. What were they both thinking? DON'T LOOK DOWN!!! Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: Clapping HandsEleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands. clementi 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Joke: The piss test One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Joke: Questions For Mommy A little girl and her mother were out and about.Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.""Where did you learn that?"The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Joke: Blonde Weigh-in At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Joke: The Talking Frog A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?The boy said, "Look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Joke: Go get your mother!An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Joke: Two BuildersTwo builders (Chris and Greg) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant. Greg: -No way - he's a stockbroker. Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder... Chris: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Chris: -Oh! What's that then? Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: -It's in a pond! Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house? Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself! Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate veryoften? Chris: -Me? Never Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Chris:-How's that then? Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life! Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. Greg: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist! Greg: -What's that then? Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Greg: -Nope Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Joke: Former Taxi DriverA taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: Christmas Gifts Grandma loved her grandchildren and always sent them generous checks for Christmas. She had noticed, though, that in the last couple of years, the grandchildren were not sending her thank you notes.This year things were different, however. One day, she was telling a friend how wonderful things were now."The children came over in person to thank me," grandma told a friend triumphantly."How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behaviour?""Oh, that's easy," grandma replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: Cheeky Professor One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information""To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted."It keeps ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: New CEO A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now get out and don't come back!"Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy." worldangel 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: The Mathematician A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your HusbandWhen he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: I Paid! A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: CookbookTwo confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: Butler CityThere once was a town named after a famous fat person, Brenda Butler, named the Butler City.There was a city next door named the B.O. City, as you can guess by the name it stunk. The Butler City residents thought that it was a good name, since it stunk and the name had something to do with that, so they thought they should change there name to something like that but have it still relate to the famous Brenda Butler. Finally they had it. They decided to switch around the letters of the town next door. Now that city is the O.B. City. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: On A Flight A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer.Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: The Cop and the Kid On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: Grandpa will pay the billWalking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: Labour Pains A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.She and her husband were ecstatic.When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Joke: At Jewellery StoreAt a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweller. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again." crazygolfer 1 Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Pregnancy A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went into the ObGyn office together. When they met after their check-ups, the redhead was smilling, and the brunette asked her why. "I'm going to have a baby boy," the redhead replied."How do you know?" asked the blonde."Because I was on top."This got the brunette thinking, and she smiled as well. "I'm having a girl!" she exclaimed. Again the blonde asked how she knew. "I was on bottom," said the brunette.The blonde started bawling. "Why are you crying?" the redhead asked.Through her tears, the blonde replied, "I'm gonna have puppies!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Grape WineThis is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. \I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: HaircutA guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." worldangel and crazygolfer 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Sir, Lady and MasterA pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Blind DateAfter being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Elderly CoupleAn elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbour about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbour. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbour. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Little Johnny on the PlaneA stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Breakfast in posh HotelA resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Truth’s about Men and WomenA Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needsA Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't needA Woman worries about the future until she gets a husbandA man never worries about the future until he gets a wifeA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spendA successful woman is one who can find such a manTo be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a littleTo be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at allMarried men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to dieA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn'tA man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Safe SexThese days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.If you must engage in unsafe horny sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes. clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: MinnesotaThere was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: The MillionaireOnce there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 22, 2011 Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: At Psychiatrist’s OfficeA man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: At Library"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?""Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice."No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?""Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Little JohnnyLittle Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2011 Joke: Annual Physical ExaminationAn elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 Joke: Cop's Bad Day A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 23, 2011 Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 Joke: Only when he’s drinkingA man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The man’s wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."Then the cop says, "Well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, "Only when he's drinking!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted May 23, 2011 Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 Joke: A Talking ParrotA man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted May 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2011 Joke: Three Guys at HotelThere were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!" and lands in a pool of shit. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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