Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Female Toilet

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the male toilet nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft.

Each time he tried the male toilet’s door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the female toilet, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the female toilet on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Language

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop!

All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".

The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house."

Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car.

We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[clementi]

Joke: Unfaithful

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.

The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open.

She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation.

He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?"

He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[clementi]

Joke: April Fools

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother.

The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!".

Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[clementi]

Joke: Mom and Son

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fxxking ice cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blind man on a Plane

A blind man was travelling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist’s Clinic

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.

"Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"

"Okay," says the dentist.

"If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Close Family Members died

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend.

"Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months.

No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"

"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The 26-Year Old

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.

"What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Little Johnny gets sent home early

Little Johnny got sent home one day from school for being bad. Upon getting home he called out for his folks but got no reply.

He heard banging and moaning coming from upstairs and went up and opened his parent’s bedroom door. Johnny was shocked to see his dad giving it to his mom - her knees were by her ears, she was taking it like a pxxn starlet - screaming all manner of things.

The folks noticed Johnny and froze. He let out a gasp and ran off. Stunned, his parents realized that this could be traumatic on their son and decided the dad should explain sex is something parents do when in love.

The dad looked all over the house and couldn’t find Johnny anywhere - then he heard banging and moaning coming from Grandma’s room. He opened the door only to find little Johnny railing Grandma’s just banging her senseless, pumping away with her legs in the air. The dad yelled, “What the f*ck are you doing?” To which Johnny replied “it’s not so much fun when it’s your mom eh?”

[crazygolfer]

Joke: 30 Years

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with e vidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: My Sneakers

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down.

His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters.

He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you”

The first daughter says, “That’s not true”

He says, I’ll prove it.

He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”

His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them”

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Office Secretary

Sarah the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Sarah honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Sex Education

Little Johnny was sitting in his first sex education class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" she asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!"

Edited May 24, 2011 by crazygolfer

[crazygolfer]

Joke: How Do You Feel About Sex?

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.

At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............ "Is that one word or two?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Beautiful Teacher

A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: A Blonde Girl and Condom

A man was having sex with his girlfriend and when he was done he threw his used condom out the window.

His girlfriend said she wanted to go again but he didn't have another condom, so he went outside too get the old one.

A dumb blonde was holding it. He said, "Can i have that back."

She said "What this twinkie?"

He said "Ummm yea sure the twinkie."

She said "20 dollars."

So he gave her the money and the blonde gave back the condom and went home.

The blonde's friend asked where did she got the $20 from?

She said, "I sold some guy a twinkie but I ripped him off. I sucked all the cream filling out it before i gave it back."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Smallpox

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place.

They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'.

She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'.

She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Cigars Addiction

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.

The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole.

Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is.

The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did.

But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Condoms Board

Man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.

The Pharmacist asks, "What size?"

to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure."

The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole your erect penis fits into is the correct size of condom for you."

20 minutes later the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, "I've changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board"?

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Irresistible To Women

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Trucker at Whore House

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."

The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: A 65-year Old Woman

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blind man on a Plane

A blind man was travelling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating Grass

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!"

So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine.

One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bigger Breasts at Supermarket

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra and Food

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny at Playground

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

[clementi]

Joke: It’s What You Do With It That Counts

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read.

One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.

To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[clementi]

Joke: Come Judgement Day

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

[clementi]

Joke: Blaming the Dog

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.

She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.

He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."

He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

[clementi]

Joke: Sex Change

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

[clementi]

Joke: Woman loves Jim’s Frog

My friend Jim is a pretty wild and crazy guy who sometimes gets bored and has to dream up new and exiting ways to get his kicks.

One afternoon, Jim put a frog in his shirt pocket and walked into a local drinking establishment.

The cocktail waitress came over and asked him what he would like to drink. After taking his order, the waitress said, "Hey, what's with the frog in your pocket?"

Jim said, "Oh, the frog eats pussy."

The waitress just smiled and got Jim his drink.

About 15 minutes later, the waitress came over and asked Jim if she could borrow his frog for a while.

Jim said sure, and the waitress hurried off to the back room with the frog.

A half hour or so passed, and Jim figured he better go check up on his frog.

He walked into the back room to find the waitress lying down on a table in the appropriate position, with the frog in the appropriate place, and everything else quite appropriate (use your imagination).

The waitress said, "Hey mister, this frog doesn't do anything."

Jim said, "Get out of the way frog, now this is the last time I am going to show you how to do this."

[clementi]

Joke: The Smartest Man in The World

There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the Nation President, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes.

The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those."

With that he grabbed one and jumped out.

The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute."

And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baking Cake can be Yummy

Daisy went to the zoo with her parents. They come across 2 loins having sex.

Daisy asked what are they doing? The parents say umm ..... there baking a cake.

Then they come across 2 rhinos having sex. Daisy asked what are they doing?

The parents responded umm ...... there baking a cake.

Then that night Daisy has a bad dream and runs out into the living room were here parents are having sex.

The next morning Daisy asked mom, did you and dad bake a cake last night?

The parents say ya yes? Daisy responded because I licked the frosting off the couch.

[worldangel]

Joke: Small White Guy next to a Huge Black Guy

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown".

The small white guy faints !!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"

The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'".

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty Pissed Off Little Boy

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Guys Captured by Cannibals

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

[clementi]

Joke: Boy goes into Whorehouse to get Herpes

A young boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a crushed frog on a string.

He goes up to the madam and says, "I'd like to have the service of one of your young ladies, but she's gotta have herpes."

The madam, taken aback by the boy, asks him, "Little boy, why on earth would you want to ruin your life at such an early age?"

The boy says, "I don't want to explain, Either you help me out or I'll go somewhere that will!"

The madam figures his money is better spent here than somewhere else, and takes him into the back to meet his lady.

About an hour later the boy, still dragging the frog, tries to pay for his time.

"Keep your money", said the Madam, "but I've just got to know why a boy your age wants herpes so badly. Won't you please tell me?"

The boy takes a deep breath and sighs. "Ma'am, you see this frog?" "When I go home tonight, mom and dad are going out, and the babysitter will come over. And the babysitter will get herpes."

Then mom and dad will come home, dad will take the babysitter home, and dad will get herpes.

"When mom and dad go to bed tonight, mom will get herpes.

"Tomorrow, I'll go to school, dad will go to work, and the milkman will get herpes.

"And the milkman," the boy sobbed, "the milkman is the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bath Night

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes ougt to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[clementi]

Joke: A Good Wank

A young boy of about fourteen and his father are avid woodsmen.

One day, on a trip to the country, dusk catches them in the woods.

They set up their tent and, after dinner, they go to sleep.

The man wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his son, "What are you doing, son?"

After a short silence he answers, "I'm wanking, father."

"Oh. And how is it going?" he asks.

Another minute of awkward silence passes.

"It is hard, but I can't really feel anything," says the boy.

To which his father replies, "You should maybe try it with your own cock, then."

[clementi]

Joke: John Smith

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Be Strong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That Your Final Answer?

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes."

...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Tattoo

A man walks into a tattoo parlour and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

[worldangel]

Joke: Washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hawaii Vacation

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.

They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

[clementi]

Joke: Penis? My Dad has Two of Them

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class.

Unfortunately, she is a math teacher and and knows little about teaching sex education.

She decides to use her math techniques to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she explains that a new unit of sex education is to begin.

She holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "does anyone know what this is?"

Little Suzie resounds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!"

The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis.

She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says "I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"

The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."

Tommy says "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

[clementi]

Gay Joke: He’s fond of you

An Army Colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant!" the Colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yes, Sir," the Sergeant replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few month later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yes, Sir," the Sergeant replied.

"Then what's his problem?" the Colonel asks.

The Sergeant salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."