Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Legs

Father - Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

Kid - Legs

Father - Why legs

Kid - Because, I see mom every night with her legs up and screaming, oh god I am in heaven

[clementi]

Joke: Lover’s Lane

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing.

A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[clementi]

Joke: Large Penis

A lady said to a doctor : My husband has very large penis. It touches my heart.

Doctor: I will cut it 2 inch.

Lady: No-no, Can’t....u move my heart 2inch away...!!!

[clementi]

Joke: When You Have a Headache

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[clementi]

Joke: The Boss

Two newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist wice the size of her body.

"I can’t wear your trousers," she said.

"That’s right," said the husband, "and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. "’I can’t get into your panties!"

She replied, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes."

[clementi]

Joke: Then They What?

Johnny’s mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny greeted her and said, "You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "

"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story," his mother said.

When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they... "

"Then they WHAT, Johnny?" his mother asked, hurt and angry.

"And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do when Dad’s out of town."

[clementi]

Joke: Urges

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m.... urges. Thats why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I cant say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir, " the First Sergeant replies,

"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[clementi]

Joke: Knock on Wood

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[clementi]

Joke: Get Better Soon

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.

He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

[clementi]

Joke: Last Wishes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[clementi]

Joke: Forgot

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too”

[clementi]

Joke: Orgasmic Sneeze

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies.

[clementi]

Joke: Overdue

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ? "

"Yes...... speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"

"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue""I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[clementi]

Joke: The Moral of the Story

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

[clementi]

Joke: Secret to Long Live

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.

"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and cancelling my voyage on the Titanic."

[worldangel]

Joke: Short Fuse

A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar.

After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says,"See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles.

The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby?

That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dave

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He’s on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra Dose

Man: give me VIAGRA extra dose.

Chemist: why man?

Man: 3 girls are coming home.

Man:(next day) give me IODEX.

Chemist: what happen?

Man: this is for my hand , girls didn’t come..

[worldangel]

Joke: Sue and Sally

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast.

"Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally,

"He snores while I masturbate."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smelly Fingers

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[clementi]

Joke: Customer Returns

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

[clementi]

Joke: Dream

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.

He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.

Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.

"Man, I’d sure like to fxxk that!" "This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud." His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life.

When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.

Then another hot lady walks by.

"Geez, I’d love to bang that!" "Fine, just take her behind the white cloud." He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by. "Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!" "OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."

He gets back and sets down. "This is great! But I really have to take a shit!" "Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.

He gets up and does a number. "What do I wipe with?"

"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.

"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.

"You’re telling me! You fxxked me three times, shit on the pillow, and wiped your ass with the sheets!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sneezing

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.

About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not believe it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."

[clementi]

Joke: Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

'What's that?' he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, 'Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.

'Horrified, she said, 'Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.

'Here,' she said, pointing, 'You must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes.

Eventually, she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for ?'

'Tarzan always check for bees.'

[clementi]

Joke: A Scrote

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

[clementi]

Joke: Kidneys and Livers

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors.

The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor.

He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."

"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.

"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

[clementi]

Joke: The Little Girls and the Wrinkles

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

[clementi]

Joke: Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn.

Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.

Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

[clementi]

Joke: Afternoon Quickie

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[clementi]

Joke: Nightmare

A man goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddad had died. The father assures the son that granddad is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddad dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work, in case of a collision.

He doesn`t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Finally, his day is over and he goes home to his wife and family. He steps through the front door and says to his wife, "I`ve just had the worst day of my entire life!"

"You think your day was bad," she replies. "The postman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Wage Packet

A man was travelling home from work on a train when a sexy young woman sat right opposite him.

She was wearing a mini skirt and a low cut top.

The man could not take his eyes off of her.

Minutes later the woman asks the man, "What’s that bulge in your trousers".

The man replies, "Oh, that’s just my wage packet".

Then the woman says, "If that is your wage packet, you have had 5 pay rises in the last 10 minutes.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Lower Mouth

A very naive sailor is in a bar in Goa. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs.

She takes off her pants and her panties and motions for him to get closer.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Love Making

Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"

Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it`s feels good, right!"

Son: "Why is it that guys don`t usually feel as good as gals?"

Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it`s your nose that feel good, not your finger!"

Son: "Then why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"

Dad: "If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?"

Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don`t they usually want to have sex?"

Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?"

Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don`t guys like to wear condoms when they make love?"

Dad: "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"

[clementi]

Joke: Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sucking Our Thumbs

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents.

The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute.

You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?

The two boys nod, and the parents take off upstairs.

The eldest of the 2 boys is now old enough to know what's going on, and he gets up and tip-toes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head.

He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me," he says.

And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother says to the younger brother, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST OUR CHOPS FOR SUCKING OUR THUMBS!"

[clementi]

Joke: Black Condom

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an ............

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this - a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The New Baby

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Lost Wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter none son.... let's look for yours first."

[clementi]

Joke: Grilling Remarks

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.

The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.

The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

[clementi]

Joke: A Favour

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?

[clementi]

Joke: Taking Precautions

An old geezer visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems normal.

Then, the doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest.

The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.

In the past week I was able to pick up and bed three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness, Frank, and at your age too," exclaimed the doctor.

"I hope you took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, doc, but I ain't senile yet... I gave 'em all a phony name."

[clementi]

Joke: The New Hat

There was a little old lady standing at a corner.

She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Oldman and the Hellbikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"

And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.

He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

[clementi]

Joke: Are You Hard of Hearing

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

[clementi]

Joke: Hard of Hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

[clementi]

Joke: Growing Old

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank! you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

[clementi]

Joke: Bored

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?"??asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

[clementi]

Joke: Not related by Blood

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.

After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother.

The same problem happens again four more times!

The girl starts to get pissed off.

She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

[worldangel]

Joke: Criminal Mastermind

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."