Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Breaking and Entering

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 200 Midgets

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.

Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

[worldangel]

Joke: Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tail Light On Bike

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[worldangel]

Joke: Farts With Lumps

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

[worldangel]

Joke: Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multi-millionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

[worldangel]

Joke: Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "fxxk him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[clementi]

Joke: Outrun a Bear

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear.

All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them.

They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.

The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we''ll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can''t outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."

The first guy says, "I don''t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

[clementi]

Joke: Rose

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That''s great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn''t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the iong stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that''s it!" He turned to his wife.. ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[clementi]

Joke: Candy Dispenser

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.

"I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

[clementi]

Joke: The Study

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.

He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while.

She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

[clementi]

Joke: Medical Term Needed

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[clementi]

Joke: Fishing for Roses

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

[clementi]

Joke: Must be Dead

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning having just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What on earth are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "Not so, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.

[clementi]

Joke: On the Menu Today

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

---------------------------------

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50

Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50

Hand Job $10.00

---------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Monkey

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eying this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.

Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"

The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wet Semen

Mitch Bailey went to the doctor about a problem. The doc makes him lie down and asks him to strip. The doc is pretty surprised to see wet semen in his penis.

"When did you last ...err... copulate ... you know... make love, Mitch?", asks the slightly embarrassed doctor.

"1955", replies back Mitch.

The doctor asks, totally shocked after listening to Mitch's reply, "1955...my...Jeez...somethings terribly wrong. You are the weirdest case in my 23 year old career."

"Why? Is something wrong?", asks a puzzled Mitch.

"Oh yes it is, Mitch, you have not had sex for so long and you still have fresh stains of semen in your penis. Something is wrong.", says the doctor.

"Well, I don't think so. I had it at 1955 and it is only 2030 hrs now, doc"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc, help me

A guy goes to the doctor and stutters "DDDDDDoctor, yyyou ggggot ttto help me. III can't ssstop this stuttering".

The doc says "Well I am not a speech therapist but I will give you a physical exam to see if everything checks out". So, the doc give him a physical and tells the guy "I found the problem, it's your dick, it's about 6" too long. I can cut off 6" inches and you will stop stuttering".

The guy thinks for a minute and stutters back " WWWWell IIII don't kkknow doc I had bbbetter talk it oooover with my wwwwwife".

The next day the guy returns and says " OOOOk ddddoc mmmmmy wwwwife ccan't stand tttthis stuttering. Go ahead"

The doc goes ahead with the operation and 6 month's later the guy returns to the doctor's office and tells the doctor in beautiful unbroken English, "Doc the operation worked perfectly. I have not stuttered one word in 6 months. There is only one problem, I cannot satisfy my wife, you have to sew that 6" back on."

The doc looks at him and thinks for a minute then says " FFFFfxxk off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smelly Fingers

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[clementi]

Joke: Sunburnt Manhood

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"

[clementi]

Joke: Pajamas

A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I''ll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."

A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.

"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"No I didn''t," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"

[clementi]

Joke: More Words

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

[clementi]

Joke: Fancy Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."

[clementi]

Joke: Luxurious Villas

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.

"Well/1 the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer 1 have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ''

I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I''ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen''. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?" "Well, you can see the villa, can''t you?"

[clementi]

Joke: Press Bell for Night Watchman

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can''t ring it for yourself."

[clementi]

Joke: Seconds to Live

Man walks into the Doctor’s office.

"I have the results of your test and I'’m afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten", replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"

[clementi]

Joke: Texan Heimlich Maneuver

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound.

They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughtta help?"

"Yep, reckon so", says the second.

The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?"

She shakes her head, "no".

"Can you speak?" he then asks.

She shakes her head, "no", again.

With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.

The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

[clementi]

Joke: Laundry

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & Amp; M."

[clementi]

Joke: I Feel Just Like Newborn

Two elderly friends were sitting on a park bench in the evening time when one turns to the other asking,

"Bill, I''m 83 years old and I''m just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?''

Bill says, "I feel just like a newborn."

Rather amazed, his friend repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A newborn?"

"Yeah", grins Bill," No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants.

[clementi]

Joke: Do You Know What Day

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Died Hard Fan

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up there. He couldn''t see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

"Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"

The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife''s seat."

"Where is she?" the guy replied.

"She died."

"Oh, I''m sorry...don''t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?"

"No, they couldn''t come."

"Why?"

"Because they are at her funeral."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing It In The Dark

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they always have sex in the dark.

Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?" she exclaimed.

"Honey, let me explain…." he pleaded.

"You sneaky swine!" she screamed. "You impotent Son of a Bitch!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interjected, "Perhaps you'd care to explain our two children!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Holiday Dinner

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rodeo Position

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"

and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Year Old Nightie

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Guys

Three guys, who have just got married, are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions, having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive of how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening. One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

"All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night" he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for 4 slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear orders 6 slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a good on yer look.

The next guy orders a full english breakfast, and then asks for EIGHT slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter "Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please mate".

[clementi]

Joke: Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[clementi]

Joke: Now there are two

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field.

The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

[clementi]

Joke: Always been a Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favour? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t Touch Me

An elderly couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, 'cause I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

[clementi]

Joke: Marry Me

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.

The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!

"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.

Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

[clementi]

Joke: An Old Couple

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[clementi]

Joke: Lucid Moment

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[clementi]

Joke: Clever Oldman

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[clementi]

Joke: Trouble Remembering

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”

He replied, “To the kitchen”

She asked, “you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replied, “Sure”

She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He said, “No, I can remember that”

She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries”

She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down”

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.”

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: “ I’ TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

[clementi]

Joke: A Note from Senior Citizen

What are seniors citizens worth? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then.

Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

I immediately go to see John. After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day.

However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint.

Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...'What am I here after?'

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Woman in Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."