Be Happy :)

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Gorilla

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animal’s cages.

Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasnt very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I dont want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "youve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Gotta Go ....

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Martian Sex

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money.

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long. "Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider. "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Wife Needs

Customer: My wife needs a bra, but I donno the size.

Salesgirl: That’s okay, touch my breast and try to calculate it.

Customer: Ohh! I forgot she needs panties too.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Morris’s Wedding Night

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Smart Woman

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said... "Clean my house".

[clementi]

Joke: Pizza

A guy says to his girlfriend, "You know, they should make a perfume that smells like pizza."

His girlfriend says, "Why’s that?"

He says, "Cause if I come home and you’re laying naked in bed with a pizza, well, you KNOW that pizza’s gonna get eaten!"

[clementi]

Joke: Whales

There were two whales swimming around the ocean one day when one whale said let's have some fun.

A ship was sailing above them so they decided to tip it over by blowing huge air bubbles through their blow holes.

All the men on the ship flew into the water.

The first whale said let's eat them.

The second whale replied "Look the blow job was fun but there's no way in hell I'm swallowing any seamen."

[clementi]

Joke: A Lesson That Always Be True

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house.

One day he he stops to taunt the little girl.

He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter.

She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad.

So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bowlegged man

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

[clementi]

Joke: Cold Hands .....

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.

When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[clementi]

Joke: An Interrupted Journey

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

[clementi]

Joke: Pumpkin

A man was driving home late one night, on a lonely road and is feeling very horny.

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander,

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to do the pumpkin.

Very shortly he is really into it, and he doesn't notice a patrol car pull up

.

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me Sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The guy looks at the pumpkin in complete horror, thinks fast and says, " A pumpkin? Oh My goodness, it midnight already?"

[clementi]

Joke: The Blanket

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says "I've got a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend we're married" The woman thinks for moment.

"Why not", she giggles.

"Great!" he replies, "Get your own fxxking blanket"

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cannibal Food

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathtime fun

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Carburettor

"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[clementi]

Joke: How to Prolong the Lovemaking

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[clementi]

Joke: Gorilla

There is this gorilla in the jungle. One day while walking along he sees the king of the jungle, the lion. The lion is bent over drinking from a pond.

The gorilla thinks to himself "If I ran up behind that lion and fxxked him in the ass, and ran away real quick, it would be real funny, ya know the king of the jungle takin it in the ass."

So the gorilla decides to do it, he runs up to the lion, quickly shags him up the ass and then runs away real quick.

After a while he spots a safari hut, he goes inside and picks up a newspaper and acts like a person on a safari. The lion reaches the hut and asks the gorilla "Did you just see a gorilla run by here?"

The gorilla replies: "You mean the one the fxxked you in the ass?"

The lion says: "Shit its in the papers already?!"

[clementi]

Joke: Doc, I need your help

A man goes in to see his family practice doctor

"Doc, I need your help"

"What's wrong?" his doctor asks, "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, yeah" replies the man. "But I need to pick up some birth control pills for my 11 year old daughter"

"WHAT!" gasps the doctor. "You mean to tell me, that your 11 year old daughter is SEXUALLY ACTIVE?!?!"

"Nah... she just LAYS THERE like her mother!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Lawyer – Economist & Teacher

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands.

He says "I was taught to be thorough."

The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel.

He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly."

The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands.

He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

[clementi]

Joke: Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

[clementi]

Joke: At Grandfather’s House

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week.

On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"

"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered.

This went on for the rest of the week.

On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through.

So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through."

His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

[clementi]

Joke: 25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fxxk your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

[clementi]

Joke: Making Love

After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap...

One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[clementi]

Joke: Making Cakes

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes.

"The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"

Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes.

"The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night.

"Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?" She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[clementi]

Joke: Out with Flu

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu.

I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks.

You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"

[clementi]

Joke: Hard Time

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.

She’s not even there for five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" "A hundred dollar". "Damn. All I’ve got is thirty"

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A hand job," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "Ill be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?".

[worldangel]

Joke: Feel Better

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Boy

A young boy was playing in the dip of a rubbish tip one afternoon. While rummaging through the garbage he came across a welders mask. Looking it over and realizing it was in good condition he put the mask on and lowered the front lid. At that moment a man with a long overcoat came and stood at the top of the garbage. He looked down at the little boy and said "Here little boy, do you know what sex is?"

There was a pause for a few moments and then the boy lifted up the mask, looked at the man and nodded "No", putting down the mask after doing so.

The man then said to him, "Do you know what oral sex is little boy?"

Again there was a pause, the boy lifted up the front of the mask to look at the man and again nodded "No", then lowered the mask and carried on playing.

The man then said to him "Here, sonny, do you know what masturbation is?"

This time the pause was a lot longer. The boy then raised the front of the mask, looked up at the man and said "I'm not a real welder you know".

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[worldangel]

Joke: Revenge Is Sweet

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[clementi]

Joke: Library

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

[clementi]

Joke: Going on Date

A guy was at the local dance and he asks a girl to dance.

"OK," she replies.

"What`s your name?" he asks.

"Franny," she replies.

"That`s a nice name, Fanny," he says.

"NO, NO, NO, it`s Franny, Fanny with an R."

"OK, sorry," he replies and they carry on dancing. Later on, at the end of the evening, he says, "Can I take you out on a date, Fanny?"

"Look," she says. "It`s Franny, Fanny with an R."

He apologises again.

She agrees to meet him the following week, but she insists, "You must remember my name- don`t forget Fanny with an R."

All that week the guy is looking forward to the date and trying really hard to remember her name, saying to himself, "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R."

The weekend arrives and it`s time to pick her up for the date. Walking up to the house, he is still saying to himself, "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R."

He knocks on the door and her father answers.

"Hello," he says, smiling. "Is CRUNT in please?"

[clementi]

Joke: Tasty Meal

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[clementi]

Joke: They Are Up In Bed

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?"

and she replied, "they`re up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?"

and she replied "they`re still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?"

and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what’s so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[clementi]

Joke: Fan Man

One day 3 guys all died at the same time and met up at St. Peters gates.

They were all standing there talking to St. Peter when the first said, "Peter what are all these clocks for?" He motioned to the long wall of clocks behind Peter.

Peter looked back at them and said, "Well, every person on earth has a clock for the duration of their life and this is where they’re kept."

Suddenly a clock jumps forward a whole hour and the first guy bursts out, "What the hell just happened?"

"Oh, well, every time you masturbate you lose an hour of your life."

The first guy looks shocked, "How many years did I lose?"

"You did pretty good, you only lost 2 years of your life."

"Well how much did I lose?" The second guy asks.

"You didn’t do hot, you lost 7 years of your life."

The 3rd guys just standing in the back being as quiet as possible.

So the first guy asks for him, "How many years did he lose?"

St. Peter burst out laughing, "Are you kidding me, we use that thing as a ceiling fan!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Condom Display

Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms.

"Hey Dad, what's a three-pack for?" asked the boy. "Those are for the weekend.

Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday," replied the father.

"Then Dad, what's a six-pack for?" asked the son.

"That's when she moves in with you.

Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Then Dad, what's a twelve-pack for?"

"That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for ... "

[worldangel]

Joke: No Longer Virgin

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replied, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

[worldangel]

Joke: Card Shop

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cinderella

Cinderella was sad. She had no date to the big ball, and even if she did, she didn't have a dress the wear. Out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appears. The godmother says, "Cinderella, if you want to go to the ball, I can give you a dress, but I cannot give you a date. Do you want to go?"

"Yes, godmother, more than anything!" Cinderella says.

"Well, stand back and let me work" the godmother says.

BOOM!

Cinderella is now in a skimpy skin tight dress.

"Now Cinderella, if you are not home but 3 AM, then your pussy will turn into a pumpkin" the grandmother says. Not hearing what her godmother had said, Cinderella rushed to the ball.

At 3:30 AM the fairy godmother is pacing around the house wondering where Cinderella was. About 3:45 AM, Cinderella walks in with her hair all messed up. "Where have you been!" the godmother yells. "And why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?"

"Oh godmother," Cinderella says."I had the best time of my life. I had sex with this most attractive man".

"Well, that explains where you have been, but why isn't your pussy a pumpkin?" the godmother asks "What was this guys name?"

So Cinderella says, "Um, lets see, um, Oh yeah, his name was Peter Peter, um Oh yeah, Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater"

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Counsellor

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife "what's the problem?"

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly. She suffers, not me."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Matchmaker

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Girl’s Bike

Kay was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came James, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Kay. "Come on," he said. "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode side saddle in front of James. James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said James. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girl’s bike?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Married Soon

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sue and Sally

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores and I Masturbate."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sniper Rifle

A man goes into a gun shop to buy a competition sniper rifle. The bloke behind the counter goes up to him and says "I will give you that gun you're looking at if you can do a challenge."

The customer says "what challenge?"

The shopkeeper says "I've just seen my wife cheating on me. If you can shoot her in the head and her new man in the cock then I will give you the gun, but you must do it with only 2 shots."

The customer agrees and lines up the shot "I think I can make it in one."