Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Lexus Dealership

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[clementi]

Joke: Honeymoon Pictures

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

[clementi]

Joke: Too Drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn''t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn''t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where''d you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That''s a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[clementi]

Joke: The Wolf Man...HOWL!

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?

Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...

"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"

[clementi]

Joke: Last Longer

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[clementi]

Joke: Businessman

A successfull businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport ?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way ?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport ?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[clementi]

Joke:Retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building, called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed, because its alright now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, their is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, early birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned retirement. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out.

[clementi]

Joke: Parrots

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "Were prostitutes, wanna have a little fun ?"

One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this.

He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Holy Book.

He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females.

So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "Were prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"

One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Holy Book away! We’ve made it to heaven!"

Edited June 7, 2011 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Retouching

An old woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, to a photographer and asked him if he could touch it up as it was the only photo she had to remember him by.

The Photographer assured her that when he finished with the photo she would think it had just been developed.

He also assured her that he could remove all the wrinkles and the scratches from the photo and asked her if that was all she wanted done on the photo to which she replied, well he’s wearing his old rubber wellington boots and I never really cared for them, could you do something about that.

The photographer said he could make it look like he had his Sunday best shoes on.

She was really delighted and asked him if he could do something with the old moth eaten jumper her husband was wearing in the photo to which he said he could make it look like a new jumper.

By this time she was really overjoyed and said that she never liked the hat he had on and wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture.

He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.

I forget, she said: But sure you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat.

[clementi]

Joke: Blind Couple and Sex

A blind man and woman just got married. They were in bed one night talking and decided that since they were blind, they needed some way to communicate in another way when they wanted to have sex.

The woman told her husband, if you want to have sex squeeze my tit once, if you don't want to have sex squeeze my tit twice. The man said that was fine and he replied, if you want to have sex jerk my dick once, if you don't want to have sex, jerk it 150 times.."

[clementi]

Joke: Bet

A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl.

Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes.

Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet.

He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.

With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."

[clementi]

Joke: Bet

A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl.

Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes.

Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet.

He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."

[clementi]

Joke: The Bells

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse.

Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on.

Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.

Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, were going to run this house the same way.

When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked.

When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed, and

when I say Bell #3, were going to make love all night!" The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled:

"Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes.

"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.

"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving... After two minutes,

the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....

The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"

"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOURE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

[clementi]

Joke: Ten Thousand Dollars

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door.

He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour’s house, he knocked and waited.

The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbour replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are.

I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

"The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife’s tits."

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.

This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss em!" he growled.

"I can’t," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.

"I dont have ten thousand dollars."

[clementi]

Joke: Where is the Manager?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says - "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Visiting an old Friend

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 'My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?'

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's college age daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, 'Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me here to have sex with you!'

They stare at him and say, 'That can't be!'

He replies, 'OK, let's check!' He shouts at his friend down the stairs, 'Both of them?'

'Yes,' comes the reply, 'Both of them!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc, my sex life deteriorating

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

The doctor tells him he needs to re-introduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded all the way up the driveway (after I'd cleaned up the mail box). I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hammer and tongs, on the coffee table!"

"And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "No, but the religious group thought it was pretty neat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s My Leroy

These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has Seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'."

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Milking Machine

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[worldangel]

Joke: After the Marriage

A man had passed his 25th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating by the side of the garage.

"What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married."

"But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired after an hour!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When I don’t Have Money

A man and his girlfriend are having sex, when he asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, what the fxxk are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money... just looking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blowjob is out of Question?

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and sits next to a man that has too much to drink.

He asks her, "Could I give you a kiss?"

She responds by slapping his face.

He then asks "Then could I feel your breasts?"

She responds by punching him so hard that he falls off of his stool.

He gets back up, composes himself and says "I guess a blowjob is out of the question?"

[worldangel]

Joke: First Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly

2. A rubber glove

3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse...

"Dammit, Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT"

[clementi]

Joke: Sex Change

A guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to a very famous surgeon and has the whole thing done.

A few weeks after the surgery he is the centre of attraction at a party thrown by his old buddies and they are all anxious to know about the surgery.

One of them said, "It must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts."

The young lady replied "Not really, I hardly felt it."

"Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!"

"Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brains."

[clementi]

Joke: Interchangeable

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colourful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

[clementi]

Joke: bTCT

A teenager girl with enlarged, recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor.

The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would like to see your bleeding and clotting time.

"The girl immediately lied down on the table, after removing her panties and said, "You see! today is my bleeding time and on sixth day will be clotting time.

[clementi]

Joke: Blow Hot Blow Cold for Octogenarians

A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. They were put in separate examination rooms.

The doctor enters the room where the husband is waiting and does a check-up and proclaims 'You are extremely healthy for your age, are there any concerns?

' Yes' says the gentleman, 'When I make love to my wife I sometimes get so hot that I turn the air conditioner on. Sometime I get so cold that I have to turn my heater real high.'

Puzzled, the doctor says that he does not have an answer for him and moves on to examine his wife. After performing a full check-up, he finds her as healthy as her husband.

The doctor is totally perplexed by what the husband has told him and decides to ask the wife about it. The doctor asks the wife if she has any ideas why he feels so hot one time and very cold the next time when they are making love.

The wife proclaims to the doctor 'Oh, that old fool, it is because we only make love once in the winter and once in the summer.'

[clementi]

Joke: Honeymoon

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fxxk out of here!"

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."

Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

[clementi]

Joke: Midnite Bowling

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[clementi]

Joke: Honeymooner

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[clementi]

Joke: Hospital Donation Centre

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[clementi]

Joke: A Virgin

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.

She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.

The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

[clementi]

Joke: Horny Guy

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.

She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fxxk. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.

Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fxxks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fxxking a pigeon!"

[clementi]

Joke: Pittsburgh or Titsburgh

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you fxxkING BITCH'

[clementi]

Joke: Can you help us?

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead.

Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her.

The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes.

The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on.

He replies,“Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station.

She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"

The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

[clementi]

Joke: Vacation on the Riviera

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?

Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.

"The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

[clementi]

Joke: Not Your Lucky Day

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying.

The officer stops and approaches the guy.

"What's going on here?", he asks.

The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick.

"I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Guy and The Landlord

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

[clementi]

Joke: The Sheriff

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."

"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."

"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

[clementi]

Joke: The Funeral

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad and Good News

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".

The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fxxking her."

[clementi]

Joke: Ask Doctor for Advice

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[clementi]

Joke: Final cure

A doctor is walking down the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly.

His associate, a Psychotherapist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this.

"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica?

She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."

"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."

"My Goodness, is she?"

"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

[clementi]

Joke: Where are you going?

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Condoms

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.

Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?"

His dad said, "Condoms son."

The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"

The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

[clementi]

Joke: The Taxman

A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy.

The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?"

The boy states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat."

The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!"

The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you."

So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard.

There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross! Doesn't that bother you?"

The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"

[clementi]

Joke: Beautiful

A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

He replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[clementi]

Joke: How painful?

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.

This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.

How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[clementi]

Joke: My Rolex

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Kid’s View on Marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old