Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet Chicken

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm. The man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend and whispers, "Blanche, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Blanche whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Louise says, "I know, but this one's....EATING MY POPCORN!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Boy

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Clumsy Bitch

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Old Woman

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch.

[clementi]

Joke: Mistake in ability

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.

The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

"Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man.

"I wasn't able to play it before."

[clementi]

Joke: Keep Away

Both friends - doctor and engineer- were in love for the same girl.

Before going out for a week, the engineer sent a basket of seven Apples with a note" Eat an apple a day and keep doctor away".

After returning, he went to girl's place and peeped from the window-- he saw apples unused, and further he saw the girl in bed with the doctor.

Shocked, he shouted, "Arrey, what are you doing?"

The girl said coolly, "Instead of your apples I am using His banana a day, keep engineer away."

[clementi]

Joke: Feeling weak

A lady consulted a Doctor saying she is feeling very weak.

After examination the Doctor said there is nothing to be worried about, take three meals a day and come after 3 days.

She returned after 3 days saying she is weaker than the previous visit.

On asking weather she took 3 meals a day she said she took 3 males a day.

[clementi]

Joke: Lost Husband

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.

The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbour to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.

He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.

"The neighbour then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

[clementi]

Joke: Condoms in Isle 12

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[clementi]

Joke: The Drunk

One night a drunk is walking down the sidewalk holding his car keys out in front of him. He ends up walking into a police officer.

The officer says to the man, "Sir are you ok?"

"Officer someone just stole my car!"

"Now sir how do you know someone stole your car?"

The man replied, "Well, the last time I saw it, it was at the end of my key!"

The officer says, "Goodness your drunk, for God's sake I should arrest you for indecent exposure," pointing to the man's crotch, "You have your dick hanging out of your pants!"

The man looks down and says "Holy shit!"

"Now what?"

"Someone just stole my girlfriend!"

[clementi]

Joke: Clock Shop

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop.

While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks.

"This is a clock shop!!"

He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

[clementi]

Joke: Deaf People

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

[clementi]

Joke: An Old Accountant

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

[clementi]

Joke: Three Testicles

One Chap has three testicles and is extremely worried about that.

He visits his doctor but is unable to describe his problem to the doc.

The doctor suggests to tell it in some other way.

The guy says "Doctor! We both have 5 testicles totally ".

The doctor replied "Is it! That means you have only one testicle? "

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy and Rancher

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog : "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool" Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (Total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...."Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothing but liars!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Argument

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Young Boy

One day there was a young boy who was bored at home with his mother. He decided to learn a new magic trick. He then went to his mother, who was in the kitchen, and asked "mom, will you please teach me a new magic trick" his mother answered "I am sorry honey, but I don’t know of any at this moment, and I am too busy to help! Why don’t you go and ask your father."

The boy then went to his father who was in the den working. He asked his father and the father replied "I am sorry son I do on know of any new magic tricks and I am much too busy to help you! Why don't you go to your grandfathers shop and see if he can help."

The boy then decided to walk a few blocks to his grandfather’s shop. He asked his grandfather and the grandfather answered "I am sorry my grandson, I can't help you there. Why don't you go to the corner, ask the man with the long coat on, and see if he can help?"

The boy took his advice, went to the corner, and asked the man. The man then said, "sure sonny, first why don't you turn your back to me and I will show you a trick. Do you feel my finger in you ass sonny?"

The boy answered "yes sir I do"

Then the man, who was holding up both his hands, said "well sonny, take a look, no hands!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Billy is that you?

A guy walks into a bar, walks up to the counter and orders a shot.

While drinking he over hears a few men talking. "Damn Billy how do you get your dick bigger" asked the first man.

"Well when I'm home I flick it twice tap it 3 times on my bed post, then jack off" replied Billy.

So the man walks out of the bar and goes home. That night he flicks his dick twice, taps it three times on the bed post, and jacks off.

The sperm then hits his wife in the face. His wife sits up and said "Billy is that you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Family gathering

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.

My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother and Daughter

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.

Again, the next day, the boyfriend is driving with the daughter and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid." She once again, gave her standard advice.

Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother. She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?"

The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered...do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s good time to wash it

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

[clementi]

Joke: Attitudes

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

[clementi]

Joke: Three Men in Hell

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

[clementi]

Joke: Then way to save money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

[clementi]

Joke: Love Making

A man wanted to make love to his wife and asked her if she felt like it.

She replied, "Not tonight darling, I have an appointment with my gynaecologist in the morning."

He got to thinking and he said, "You don’t have an appointment with a dentist do you?"

[clementi]

Joke: Anal Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[clementi]

Joke: Erectile Dysfunction

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

[clementi]

Joke: 24 hours

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Counselor

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly married sailor

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

[worldangel]

Joke: 27 Stitches

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me strength ……….

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in 2-level hay shed.

When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed.

He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested.

After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove.

" So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis Elbow

Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have".

So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily".

So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine.

The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.

[clementi]

Joke: Like to hear ...

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.

Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He’s moving!"

[clementi]

Joke: Fairy Tales

A little girl had just listened to her mother reading her one of her favourite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon a Time...?"

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'"

[clementi]

Joke: Surprise The Wife

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish.

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months.

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for ?

[clementi]

Joke:"The Affair "

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress.

The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress.

However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!".

[clementi]

Joke: Call from Daddy !!!

Call from daddy!!! ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**

"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didnt know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think hes dead"

***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . .. Swimming pool?? ...

Is this 555-7039??????"

No.

[clementi]

Joke: Old man & his wife

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the bastard buried upside down..."

[clementi]

Joke: Husband or Wife

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.

The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"

The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

[clementi]

Joke: Small Dick

A guy who married this woman.

Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick.

For seven year's he has been doing that.

One night his wife suspected that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut the fxxk up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

[clementi]

Joke: A Pure Wife

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member, she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

[clementi]

Joke: Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

[clementi]

Joke: Men & Public Toilets

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.

Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now"

[clementi]

Joke: A Ride Home

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...

"But where’s his wheelchair?"

[clementi]

Joke: Meeting in the Alleyway

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

[clementi]

Joke: Your Ear or Your Finger

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[clementi]

Joke: Shultz is dead

This man was walking through the park one day when he couldn't help but notice a woman crying.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.

He didn't know who Shultz was so he just continued on. Then he came upon another woman.

"Shultz is dead!," she too sobbed. He just passed by.

Then another. And another. And another! Then he came upon a site which made him stop. What he saw was hundreds of women crowded around a street car, which had apparently been involved in an accident, who were all crying "Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!".

He went up to it and there he saw the street car had ran into a man and literally torn him to pieces. All that was left of him that you could see was his arms, legs and his penis.

Well he was just startled by all this so he decided to go home. When he got home, he said to his wife: "Hey Honey, you know I just saw the darndest thing. Out on Mill Street a street car had ran into a man and cut off his penis and I swear it had to be a foot and a half long!".

"Oh no! Shultz is dead! Shultz is dead!" she sobbed.

[clementi]

Joke: Three Girls

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"