Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Plastic Surgery

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

[clementi]

Joke: A Doctor with compassion

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. Shell have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And youll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you’ll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as shell have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid, Of Course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent shell be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I’m just playing with you man, she’s dead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cosmetic Surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Grief

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Men Are Like .....

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ralph and his Penis

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sore Throat

Jane's friend Debbie is complaining about a sore throat.

Jane tells her, "When I have that I always give my husband oral sex and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

Next day Debbie comes in singing.

"How did it go?" asks Jane

"Brilliant" says Debbie, "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

[clementi]

Joke: Just One Chair

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[clementi]

Joke: Turn it Over

A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him, "I've created an apple that tastes like pussy! I think I'll market it and call it something like 'Forbidden Fruit brand apples'"

The assistant says, "Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and quickly spit's it back out. "That tastes like shit!"

"Oh." says the scientist, "Turn it over."

[clementi]

Joke: He could fly ...

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defence of herself.

"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

[clementi]

Joke: Breast Cancer

This young stud was at his favourite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.

He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.

"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"

"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

[clementi]

Joke: Orgasm

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor to find out why. After a number of tests, the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After about 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. "I'll shag her, you waft the towel" he says.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy pats his mate on the back and says "....and that my old son, is how you waft a fxxking towel!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Martian

A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party.

They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse.

When the woman saw the male Martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?"

Well the Martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer.

The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?"

The Martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter.

The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience.

The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again."

The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"

[clementi]

Joke: Your Cherry Has Rotted

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynaecologist due to a itchy rash in her pussy, when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked question.

When is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.

He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"

[clementi]

Joke: I suck and I screw

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.

"What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Starving Bums

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My Boss dies ....

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Middle Fingers

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.

When he was done dumping his aptains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although it’s nasty, that he would do it.

So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the man’s fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

[worldangel]

Joke: KY Jelly

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

[worldangel]

Joke: Castration

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Experience

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.

The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.

She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."

The officer asked the elderly female for her driver`s license and she turned and asked her husband "What did he say?.

The husband replies "he wants to see your driver`s license."

The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.

The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.

The women look at her husband and asked "What did he say?"

The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

[clementi]

Joke: In a Bank Queue

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could tell that you were tense, so I thought I'd massage your back"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.

"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[clementi]

Joke: Good and Bad News

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.

"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."

The man, taken back, asks hesitantly, "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."

"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"

The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[clementi]

Joke: I am Your Husband

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man: Shit!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman: I'm your husband, you slut!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies : "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know.

But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years.

It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.

This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

[clementi]

Joke: Young Lady’s Aeroplane

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on.

Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night she noticed a young man staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"

The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

Edited June 11, 2011 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Two Old Ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

[clementi]

Joke: More Time

A guy and a gal were in the backseat of his car after having sex.

The guy says to the gal, "If I would have known you were a virgin I would have taken more time."

The gal replies, "Hell, if I'd a known you had more time, I'd a taken off my pantyhose."

[clementi]

Joke: Son-in-Law

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What are you doing!?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[worldangel]

Joke: Special Chemical Mixture

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.

"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.

"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."

Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."

So little Johnny handed the test tube over.

The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes- Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.

"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Romantic winter vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Surgeon and Patient

A surgeon told his patient upon waking up from an operation, I'm afraid we're going to have to operate on you again.

I seem to have left my rubber gloves inside.

Well, if it's just for the gloves, I'd rather pay for them and you can leave me intact.

[worldangel]

Joke: Oriental Medicine

A rich man often went to Asian City for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So, he went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor examines his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. Otherwise, it will spread and become worse."

The businessman was shocked. The last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.

Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional medicine. They might have some surprises"

So, the Oriental doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said, "We don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."

The rich man was so happy, "Wow no operation, you are better than Western medicine. I'm amazed, So, what is the exact secret?"

The Oriental doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."

[clementi]

Joke: Solve Your Medical Problem Cheaply

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"My fee is per visit."

"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."

Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for !"

"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[clementi]

Joke: Husband Wife Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[clementi]

Joke: Nair Usage

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

[clementi]

Joke: Nicest Pair of Balls

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder over and climbs up to admire his private parts close up.

"Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised, and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little guy, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."

[clementi]

Joke: Sex on the Beach

Jenny was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Jenny persisted, "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book, "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Jenny asked, "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Jenny, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jenny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[clementi]

Joke: First Night Shocker

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber!"

[clementi]

Joke: Breast Enlargement

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[clementi]

Joke: The Pregnant Lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it."

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[clementi]

Joke: Oriental Massage

Guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel.

When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says, "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Oriental lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says, "Ahh, you want wanky!"

He says, "Oooh, yes!"

She runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting.

A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says, "You finished yet?"

[clementi]

Joke: Sex On The Beach

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel.

As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".

Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"

Husband replies, "You're right, let’s go to the beach."

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach.

All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them, "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"

Embarrassed, the husband admits, "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

[clementi]

Joke: Turkey Giblets

An older couple lay in bed, and the man, as he has done for the past 40 years, farts loudly.

The woman turns over and looks at him and says, "One day you are going to fart your guts out." He nonchalantly responds, "Nah".

Thanksgiving morning, only a few days later, the woman gets up early to start the dinner for that evening’s festivities.

As she cleans the turkey a thought pops into her head. Still holding the turkey giblets she runs into their bedroom where her husband is still sleeping.

She gently pushes the contents of her hand into the back of her husbands underwear, then returns back to the kitchen to finish the preparations.

A few moments later she hears the usual morning fart, then a loud thump, footsteps running down the hall, and the bathroom door slamming.

She does nothing but smile knowingly, and waits for her husband to come into the kitchen.

Not long after he enters, he looks at his wife and says, "Honey, you were right, I farted my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got em shoved back up in there."

[clementi]

Joke: The Horse Rancher

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

He shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[clementi]

Joke: Death Becomes Nerd

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

[clementi]

Joke: Rowhouses

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbours.

To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.

So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself "There’s my house and there's the lantern I put on the porch."

Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, "I knew it, this is my house cause my key works."

Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Maniac Husband

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

"Don’t you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.

"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it."

"Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here’s $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That’ll be five times in the kitchen!"