Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: 60-year-old man

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Am I Pregnant?

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see an "upturn."

"I think you mean the intern, don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination."

"You mean examination," the nurse corrected her.

"Well, I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing Weight

Two guys are in a bar and the guy says to his friend, "I wanna lose 10 pounds."

His friend says, "Okay give me one hundred dollars."

The guy gives him the money and leaves the bar.

A day later a hot chick is in the guy''s front yard. She says, "If you can catch me, I will have sex with you."

The guy chases her around for an hour and loses 10 pounds.

The next day a guy tells the first guy''s friend, "I wanna lose 20 pounds."

The friend says, "Okay give me two hundred dollars."

The second guy gives the friend the money and leaves.

The next day a hot chick is in the second guy''s yard.

She says, "If you can catch me you can have sex with me."

The second guy chases her around for two hours and loses 20 pounds.

The next day a fast Olympic athlete tells the guys'' friend he wants to lose 30 pounds.

The guys'' friend thinks and then finally says, "Okay give me three hundred dollars."

The athlete gives him the money and leaves.

The next day there's a 10 foot tall, male gorilla in his yard with a sign that says, "If I catch you, you have to have sex with me."

[worldangel]

Joke: 40 Years of Marriage

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! ... the wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband''s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart''s desire.

He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I''d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! ... he was 90 years old.

[clementi]

Joke: Perspective

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

[clementi]

Joke: Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[clementi]

Joke: Sexy Secretary

Two law partners hire a sexy, young secretary, and though they're both already married, they agree to see who can score with her first.

Eventually, one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

"So, what did you think?" asks the partner.

"Ah," replies the first partner, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the young secretary.

"So," asks the first partner, "what did you think?"

The second partner replies, "You're right... your wife is better."

[clementi]

Joke: The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

[clementi]

Joke: Strange Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn`t.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there`s no reason that you shouldn`t practice anal sex, if that`s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

[clementi]

Joke: Physical Disability

There was a short fellow named Jack on trial for raping a woman, aided by a bucket. He adamantly protested his innocence, claiming inability.

Well, the judge said, "If you can prove you were physically incapable of raping this woman, we will certainly acquit you."

So the little guy stands on top of the bucket, and sure enough, he doesn't even come up to the woman's crotch. Keeping his word, the judge acquits him.

About a month later, the judge passes Jack on the sidewalk and says to him, "So... now that you've been freed of all charges, tell me, did you rape that woman?"

"Sure did!" Jack replies. "But how? You didn't even come up to her crotch."

"Oh, you must have misunderstood. I just threw the bucket on top of her head and swung from the handle!"

[clementi]

Joke: Smoking Joe

Three guys are arrested in an adult bookstore and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Joe," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke,” he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Joe," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.,” he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.

So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; Joe." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

[worldangel]

Joke: Perception of Sex

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, and I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fxxking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary Dinner

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.

The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked.

The wife agreed. Later that night at the table the wife said, “Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

The husband replied, “That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fortune Teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent.

Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

“I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think!” said the man scornfully.

“I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Artificial Insemination

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

Laying there in the stirrups, the woman tilted her head up and glanced over at the doctor to see him undoing his belt and dropping his pants.

“Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?” she yelled in a panic.

“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor.

“Well, yes, but…” stammered the woman.

“Well lie back and spread ‘em,” replied the doctor.

“We’re out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife doesn’t get hard

This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc… I think I’ve got a sex problem.

I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.”

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.

The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.”

She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard on either.”

[clementi]

Joke: Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "fxxk him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[clementi]

Joke: French Toast

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

"I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.

"Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.

"I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."

[clementi]

Joke: Buy a Parrot

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner shows two beautiful ones out on the floor.

This one is Rs. 100.00 and the other is Rs. 250.00.

How much is that 3rd one?

Shop owner: That is for 500.00.

Why is special in it?

Shop owner: Nothing but these two call him Boss.

[clementi]

Joke: Leather Briefcase

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.

He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers.

And who should be sitting there; the judge.

Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?

Kid: (nods).

Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze.

The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge.

The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.

The kid unzips the judge's fly.

Judge: Now suck my dick!

Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Experience

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctor’s appointment.

The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.

She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."

The officer asked the elderly female for her driver`s license and she turned and asked her husband "What did he say?.

The husband replies "he wants to see your driver`s license."

The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.

The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.

The women look at her husband and asked "What did he say?"

The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

[clementi]

Joke: Part Timer

There was a loser who couldn`t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It`s simple. I just say, I`m a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You are a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I`ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I`m already screwing someone!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drive Your Wife Wild

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her nuts!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s Orders

A man and his wife were having problems in their relationship, so they went to a psychologist.

The psychologist, who was a man, saw the couple several times, but to no avail.

The woman complained her husband wasn't affectionate.

The man said he didn't understand what she was talking about.

Finally, after many sessions of explaining to the man his wife's need for affection, the psychologist lost his patience.

He told the man's wife to take off her clothes, then he had sex with her, and told the man, "This is what your wife needs every day".

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Wrong Husband

A woman goes to a party and leaves her husband at home to watch the football game.

At the party the bartender recognized her wedding ring on the wrong finger, so he asks her "Why is your wedding ring on the wrong finger, Mam?"

"Well you don’t miss a thing do you and your right it is, and it’s because I married the wrong man!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrase the female, he told her to enter penis. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response...

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Male or Female Brain

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocent question and addressed the entire group.

He said, "It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Wife Cheating on Husband

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!!

They have been hunting a while and his best friend says "Hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope".

He says "Who's that man in the bedroom with your wife?

The husband says "what? Are you joking?"

The friend replies, no honestly. I can see them!!

The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!!

The friend replies "I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Lawyer’s Affair

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Horrible Mistake at the Hospital

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital.

A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation.

The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

"Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!"

"Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Old Lady and the Bank President

A little old lady went into a Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have the bank president's balls in my hand."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Mid-Life Crisis

A middle aged man calls his wife from a motel and says to her "honey I just had sex with an eighteen year old and it was great, can't believe I can still do so much."

The following week his wife called him from a motel and says to him "honey I just had sex with an eighteen year old and you know what? Eighteen can go into forty five a lot more than forty five can go into eighteen"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Blow-Up Doll

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Strip Joint

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.

The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, "Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Open Wider

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

[clementi]

Joke: Stuck to the Floor

Sheila, the housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.

“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.

“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”

“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”

“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.

“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”

“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”

Edited June 15, 2011 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Elderly Man Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “

Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”

[clementi]

Joke: Farmer and the Friend

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows.

His friend suggests a veterinarian should have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted, “The bull has not only taken care of all my cows, but also broke through the fence, and even serviced all my neighbour’s cows!”

“Wow!” exclaims his friend, “What did the vet do to that bull?”

The farmer replies, ”Just gave him some pills.”

“What kind of pills?” asks his friend. “I don’t know, but they kinda taste like peppermint.”

[clementi]

Joke: Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girl’s nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girl’s nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[clementi]

Joke: Smart Rapist

There was a short fellow named Stubbs on trial for raping a woman, aided by a bucket. He adamantly protested his innocence, claiming inability.

Well, the judge said, "If you can prove you were physically incapable of raping this woman, we will certainly acquit you."

So the little guy stands on top of the bucket, and sure enough, he doesn't even come up to the woman's crotch. Keeping his word, the judge acquits him.

About a month later, the judge passes Stubbs on the sidewalk and says to him, "So... now that you've been freed of all charges, tell me, did you rape that woman?"

"Sure did!" Stubbs replies.

"But how? You didn't even come up to her crotch."

"Oh, you must have misunderstood. I just threw the bucket on top of her head and swung from the handle!"

[clementi]

Joke: Father’s Name

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time he`d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper`s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn`t you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.

"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin` and talkin` and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[clementi]

Joke: Unbeatable Logic

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant`s arm to one year`s imprisonment. He may accompany it if he chooses to."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer`s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[clementi]

Joke: First Class Magistrate

A First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.

FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?

Woman: Well. I live alone.

FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I got only one bed.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I go to bed naked.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: Be my guest, FCM.

Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.

FCM: Good birds you got there.

Woman: Yeah.

FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?

Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock.

FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.

Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class magistrates.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Medical Convention

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.

Once she comes back they go for it.

After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”.

She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.”

She then says “I bet you’re an anaesthetician.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?”

The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Old Man and Young Girl

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21.

When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers.

“Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”

“No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Stranded on an Island

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”

The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Gorgeous Doctor

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano!

He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fxxkin’ wife.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Angry Genie

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."