Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Many Kids

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labour.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, I’m right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, that’s great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minutes later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, do you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

[clementi]

Joke: Cat and Sausage

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet.

The cat was happy! The next day the cat was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy!

The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in!

However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy.

The moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

[clementi]

Joke: Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her chest and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."

A short while later, Pa grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."

Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbour."

[clementi]

Joke: Deeper Deeper

There once was a boy who was named Deeper Deeper.

That was his nick-name, he got it cause he would always go deeper and deeper into the mud.

One day Deeper Deeper was at school and the teacher (Who is a girl by the way) told everyone to do a report on whatever they wanted, but it was due tomorrow.

So Deeper Deeper goes home and tells his dad he can’t think of anything and his dad gives him an idea.

The next day he went to school and the teacher asks him to do his report so he stands up infront of the class, "Take off your shirt" he said to the teacher "Why?" she replies "It's for my report" so she takes her shirt off.

"And your pants too" he said "Why?" "It's for my report" so she takes them off "Take off your bra and underwear too" Why?" It's for my report!" so she does so.

"Now lay on your back on the floor" "Why?" It's for my report!" so she lays on her back. He lays on her "Deeper Deeper!" she yells and he goes deeper and deeper "Deeper Deeper Deeper Deeper Deeper Deeper!" she yells and he goes deeper and deeper.....

[clementi]

Joke: What Does Fxck Mean?

There was this kid that always got picked on at school.

Everyday his friends and kids that went to school always said to him f**k you.

Well the dumb kid always was curious about what the word f**k means.

One day he got real sad and wanted to know what it meant, so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father.

He yelled "pah" and then his pa came out and asked what the hell you want boy? The boy said "pah" what does f**k mean. And then his pah said son I think its time you knew what f**k means.

Pah then yelled out "mah" get down here, son wants to know what f**k means. Mah comes down stairs, pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your position.

He turns to his son and says, son you see that pink spot on mah."uh huh" watch your pah go to work. Then the boy’s sister came in the door and says what are they doin? The boy turns his head and with a smile he says they are f*cking. Sister says what does f**k mean.

WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH "uh huh" WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK.

[clementi]

Joke: Omish

One cold day there was an omish mom and her daughter riding down the road in a buggy. The daughter said, "Momma, my hands are cold." The mom said, "Well, put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up." The little girl does it.

Next day, the girl and her boyfriend are riding down the road in the buggy, and the boy says, "My hands are cold." The girl says, "Well put them between my legs and my body heat will warm them up." The boy does so.

Next day, they are both riding in the cart again. This time the boy said, "My head is cold." The girl said, "Well put it between my legs and my body heat will warm it up." Once again the boy does so.

Next day, they are both riding in the cart. Boy says, "Wow its cold out here!" Girl goes, "Yea." Boy, "My penis is cold." Girl goes, "Ok, put it between my legs and my body heat will warm it up."

Next day, her and her mom are riding in the cart together. Girl goes, "Momma what’s a penis?" Mom asks, "Why?" Girl goes, "Cuz they sure do make a heck of a mess when they defrost."

Edited June 16, 2011 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Six Inches

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.

And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[clementi]

Joke: 30th Birthday

It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.

I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

[clementi]

Joke: No Viagra

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.

While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.

She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Frog and the Endowed

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Man’s First …..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser. The bartender asks "whoa, buddy. What're we celebrating?" The man replies "I just had my first blow-job".

The bartender smiles and says " well, congratulations. Let me get you another shot on the house!"

The man replies "If 5 shots of Yaeger and a beer chaser don't get the taste out of my mouth, NOTHING will".

[worldangel]

Joke: Camel Time

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

[worldangel]

Joke: New Partition

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[worldangel]

Joke: Supermarket Mistake

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Goodness!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[clementi]

Joke: Rape Trial

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault.

Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.

He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fxxk you like you've never been fxxked before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honour," the juror answered. "It's personal."

[clementi]

Joke: Evils of Drug abuse

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this......O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) ...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[clementi]

Joke: Who is Horny?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!"

And she acts like she's sound asleep.

[clementi]

Joke: Elongated Penises

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over sized peni$es.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated peni$es?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have peni$es!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[clementi]

Joke: Returning Home Early

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did!

Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!

Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[clementi]

Joke: Losing My Wife

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"

[clementi]

Joke: New Bride Visits Doctor

A new bride went to her doctor for a check-up.

Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor, "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"

The doctor replies, "We call that the penis."

The new bride then asks, "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies, "We call that the head of the penis.

The bride then asks, "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies, "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Everytime

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Blonde Patients

The blonde patient sees her doctor because she really wants to loose weight. He prescribes a special low-fat/low-carb diet which she follows exactly.

After three weeks she comes back to a check-up all happy because she already lost 15 pounds. However it seems that she developed an insaturable hunger for sex with her husband.

"That's a quite normal reaction." explains the doctor and tells her not to worry.

Another three weeks later she returns for yet another control visit and is devistated.

"What's wrong?" the medic asks her, as she sits crying in front of him.

"Oh, Doc! I feel so bad. You know with all that insaturable sex and me being horny for my hubby, I bit of one of his balls last night."

The doctor puts his arm around the sobbing woman. "Don't you worry. One testicle can't have more than 60 calories."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Policy

A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor.

When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.

"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"

"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."

"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"

From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Rare Erection

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.

The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.

Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."

"Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Blonde Waitress

A customer in a coffee shop says to the buxom blonde waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream".

The waitress writes the order on her pad, then goes away.

After 10 minutes the beautiful, but not to bright, blonde waitress returns.

She says to the customer, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Johnny Go Deeper

There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal and his sister was an administrator.

He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you.

So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I will not lay on the table".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.

So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.

All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"

So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[crazygolfer]

Joke: How to sell toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: It Hurts Doesn’t It?

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.

The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Towel Waving

A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm.

So he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy sex is the answer.

So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked while waving a towel over the couple as they are having sex. They try it but to no avail.

The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying things the opposite way around, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.

Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method.

Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, that’s how you wave a bloody towel!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent".

"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied "Yes".

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied.

"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: They Don’t Call Me

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you f#ck one goat......."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Disabled Swimmers

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts... "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f#cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Room Key in Heaven

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Penis Problem

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches.

Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Premature

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: My Ass

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was travelling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker.

He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.

Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.

It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions.

The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"

"Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass."

The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else.

He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street.

He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."

The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!"

At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant.

He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.

The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you have stranger?"

The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter."

The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Black Eye

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Sexual Encounter

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money just looking."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Talking About Sex

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"

And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Public Toilet

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"fxxks!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[clementi]

Joke: Poor Dog

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[clementi]

Joke: Cursed

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[clementi]

Joke: The Funny Pussy

There is a wet pussy and a dry pussy.

1 of the girls sat why is your pussy wet and my pussy dry.

The girl says, "Because I am horny and you are not horny".

[clementi]

Joke: Up or Down

An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"

His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "fxxk or drown."

[clementi]

Joke: Hi Roger!

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.

One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

"No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

[clementi]

Joke: We’ve all got it

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

[clementi]

Joke: Funny Birth

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a pxxn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."