Be Happy :)

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Late at night .....

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Auction

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife: "Those they gave away."

Husband: "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Magic Apple

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"Magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favourite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Fred’s Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Counsellor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: I ain’t touchin’ it

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close-by man, "Can you help me point my penis"?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the man’s penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, "Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? "So, I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the man’s member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and let’s goes, asking. "What the hell is wrong with it?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Toothless Hamster

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to the local pet store.

The salesman says, “I have the perfect pet for you… a toothless hamster.”

The guy says, “Nah, I don’t think so.” The salesman continues his sales pitch, “But it gives great head!” The guy agrees to buy the hamster and takes it home.

Later that evening, his wife returns home and upon seeing the hamster screams, “What the hell is that thing?”

The guy replies, “Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fxxk out.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Bad- and Good News

"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".

The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fxxking her."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Get in Line

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Cigars

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.

The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is”.

The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did.

But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bear it from Behind

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fxxk you up the ass!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge.

But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to the Doctor

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[worldangel]

Joke: Like a Baby

A young couple was about to get married. But first, the girl said she had to make a confession: the reason they had not been intimate was she was very flat chested. If he wanted to cancel the wedding, then she would understand.

He thought a while and said he didn’t mind because, after all, sex was not the most important thing in a marriage. Then he said he too had a confession: below the waist, he was just like a baby. If she wanted to cancel the marriage, then he too would understand.

She thought a while and said that she didn't mind either, because sex was not the most important in a marriage.

On their wedding night, she took off her clothes and, sure enough, she was as flat as a board. When the guy took off his clothes, the girl fainted. When he relieved her, he asked her what was wrong.

She said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

And he replied, "Well, yeah. 8 pounds, 21 inches!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Oral Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Insect Repellent

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.

Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Parachute Trouble

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.

Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Shop that sells Everything

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he says a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom – what’s going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Horny Rooster

A farmer's last rooster dies leaving his 200 hens unable to produce chicks. He logs onto roosters.com, finds a highly-touted and high-priced specimen, clicks "order" and the next day, FedEx delivers a rather ordinary looking rooster named Randy.

Before releasing Randy to the chicken coop, the farmer tells him, "You were one danged expensive rooster and I’ve got a couple hundred chickens here for you to service, so take your time and do a good job."

Randy acts as if he understands, but as soon as he is released he attacks the hens with a vengeance, working his way through the entire flock, not just once, but three times without pause!

The farmer can’t believe his eyes. Then Randy runs out of the hen house, sees a flock of geese down by the lake and services all the geese. The farmer is distraught, worrying that his expensive rooster won’t make it through the night.

Sure enough, the next morning when the farmer wakes, he sees Randy lying dead, buzzards circling overhead. As the farmer bends over to retrieve his costly loss, he shakes his head and says, "Damn it, Randy! Didn’t I tell you to pace yourself?"

Randy opens one eye, looks at the circling buzzards and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Hubby Wubby

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Going to the Park

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each other's company.

After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.

One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

"Parkinsons!" replied the old man with a smile.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Viagra Filled Pencil

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Three Men in a Car Accident

Three men had a car accident and they all lost their dicks. The first man goes to the doctor and he gives him a wood dick. The second man came in and the doctor gave him a steel dick, and the third man came in and the doctor gave him an electric dick.

The next day the first man came back saying, "I hate you doc, every time I fxxk my girlfriend she gets splinters."

The second man came in saying, "I hate you doc, every time I fxxk my girlfriend she gets chills."

The third man came in and said, "I love you doc, every time I fxxk my girlfriend her tits light up!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Shaking Hands

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Best Prostitute

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs.."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints… twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fire Engine

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Now That would be Magic

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.

The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."

"OK", the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"

The Genie shakes his head and says "LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Use the Other Hand

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hundred Dollar Bill

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.

And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Strange Man

Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was plowing to report, "there's a strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants."

"Son," the father told him, "if it's the landlord, he wants his rent. If it's the banker, he's come to foreclose the mortgage.

And if it's a travelling salesman, you run home fast as your legs will carry you and sit in your maw's lap till I get there!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Leave Wife at Home

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Doctor’s Opinions

Now, this sums it up very well. Doctors have their opinions about the pending bailout.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, and the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anaestheticians thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in the capital.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Hypnotist Accident

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: In Men’s Bathroom

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of M and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of C and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Men versus Women

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Monkey Lovin’

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.

After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"

So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder.

Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."

Garry said..."No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Having a Few Drinks

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her and buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time".

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: It’s all down hill from here

Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, and best of all, some great pxxno flicks. Just about everybody was fxxking at this great party.

Feeling the beer, Bob's father stood up and hollered to get everyone's attention.

"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

"Shit, Pop," Bob said, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"

Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Not My Whole Family

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that green shit you have over there."

The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."

The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's gay."

The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.

The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four shots of that green shit from last night."

The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"

The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."

The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.

Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green shit."

The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."

The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."

The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

The man said, "Yeah, my wife."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Pin Relief

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, "I have a headache."

Perfect, said her husband, I was just in the bathroom powdering my thingy with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Bobbing for Sam

Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receiveds an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note.

"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume."

Sam is furious with their 'solution', and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg...not call attention to it.

The next week, he receives a second package and a note:

"Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern. Enclosed is a monk's habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume."

Enraged, Sam returned the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.

The following day, he received a small parcel by courier with a note which read:

"Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head, stick your peg leg up your ass, and go as a candy apple."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Jury Duty

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to screw you like you've never been screwed before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Feed The Statue

A woman was in bed having sex with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Get your ass up and stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like a fxxking idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Never Trust Your Agent

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to fxxk her so badly.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?"

"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously fxxked.

In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: A “Great” Dane

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him.

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

"Howard, you're a Veterinarian."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Twins

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up fxxking her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"

[clementi]

Joke: 50 Year Old Nightie

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

[clementi]

Joke: Bus Driver's Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

[clementi]

Joke: 2 Wonderful Hours

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."