Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant Wife Joke

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.

“Awww, honey, you’re so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.

Remember, this happens only this once. OK?” The husband can’t believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, “Crystal says this is not enough, she wants eighty.”

The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger, "Why that damn bitch! When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

[clementi]

Joke: The Shoe

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.

Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.

Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

[clementi]

Joke: Young Attractive Woman

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said: "Paint my house."

[clementi]

Joke: Desperate for a free Drink

Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.

"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."

The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.

They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.

The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."

[clementi]

Joke: Impatient Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride scolded him, "That was an awful thing to do!"

The farmer said, "That's once."

[clementi]

Joke: You were there ......

Even though her husband had been in a coma for months, the faithful wife stayed by his bedside every day.

When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come near. She leaned over in order to hear him.

"What is it, my husband?"

"When I got fired, you were there…"

"Yes, dear," she comforted him.

"When my business failed, you were there…"

"Yes, dear."

"When I got depressed and started drinking, you were there…"

"Yes, dear."

"When we went bankrupt and lost our home, you were there…"

"Yes, dear."

"And when my health failed, once again you were right here by my side…"

"Yes, dear."

"You know what?"

"What, dear?"

"You’re bad luck!"

[clementi]

Joke: Why women talk more than men

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

[clementi]

Joke: Too Much Complaints

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[clementi]

Joke: Internet Service Provider

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

[clementi]

Joke: My wife’s first husband

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorced Court

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said.

"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Awfully Quiet Now

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m not Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and still politely, if not more firmly, refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and talking shit.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many fxxking bars do you work at?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ladies Man

"Boy, I'm scared," Anthony said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared Anthony. "He didn't sign his name!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Impossible Wish

A gentleman is sitting on a deserted beach watching the sunset when he notices something half buried in the sand. He pulls it out and sees that it is a heavy, jewel encrusted bottle.

As he brushes off the sand, the bottle begins to shake and emit various colored clouds of smoke, then...POOF! A Genie appears from out of the bottle.

The Genie lavishes praise on the man, regales him with his story, and finally gets around to the 'you have three wishes' part of the tale.

So the guy thinks about it for awhile and says "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and afraid to go on a boat, so for my first wish I want a highway from here to Hawaii".

The Genie at first is amazed at the character of the man and ask instead if he would not want "all the money... fame... glory... vast amounts of property... yadda yadda.

Nope, wish one is for the highway.

The Genie tells him that doing something like that borders almost on the impossible. The time, resources, and energy required to fulfill such a wish would most likely leave the Genie drained for thousands of years...is there something else, anything - even wishing for more wishes - that he might want?

The man again pauses and thinks for awhile then says "Well, I have always wanted to understand women"

The Genie replies, "So this highway, did you want two lanes or four"?

[clementi]

Joke: The Stupid Fishing Buddies

Every day of their vacation, these two guys rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish.

Joe said, "Moe, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow!"

The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Joe asked, "Moe, did you mark that spot?"

Moe replied, "Yep. I painted a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat!" Joe growled.

"You old fool! What if we don’t get the same boat today?"

[clementi]

Joke: Shmuck

Willy was reading his morning paper as usual when he saw a photo of notably dumb football player and his girl friend, a beautiful young actress.

He looked over the paper at his wife and said, "Why is it the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives?"

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Young Punker and the Old Man

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles.

Finally, the punker gets a little miffed and barks at the old man:

"What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "I remember back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son."

[clementi]

Joke: The Smearing Aid

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have? A suppository?"

He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

[clementi]

Joke: Zipper

Mr. Larsen's new secretary was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

She didn't want to embarrass him, so she waited until she was leaving his office before saying, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

The remark confused him until he happened to look down and see his open zipper.

He decided to have some fun. Calling her in, he asked, "Miss Jones,when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

Miss Jones smiled demurely. "Why no, sir. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

[clementi]

Joke: Three Wishes for Men

There were three men walking down a beach when they found a lamp laying in the sand. They rubbed the lamp and out came a genie who said "I'll give each of you a wish."

So the first guy says I want to be 10 times smarter, and then he started quoting Shakespeare.

Not to be outdone the second guy said I want to be 100 times smarter and then he started doing calculus in his head.

Well the third guy did not want to be outdone so he said I want to be a 1000 times smarter, and he turned into a woman.

[clementi]

Joke: A Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

[clementi]

Joke: Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...

"My wife's first husband."

[worldangel]

Joke: Was she begging for you?

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."

"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."

"How did you do that?" asked Bill.

"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."

"What happened?"

"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."

"How did you do that?"

"I was hiding under the bed at the time."

[worldangel]

Joke: How to deal with angry wife

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am?"

"And she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[worldangel]

Joke: He needs convincing that he likes Sex

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Confused Shopper

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English.

It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and asked, if he could get some "fxxk IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he asked this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and fxxk it, while I get my cock and spank it"

[worldangel]

Joke: Throw the Cat – I am Open!

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!"

"No!" she cried. "It's too far!"

"I play football, I can catch him!"

The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street.

Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch.

The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement.

[worldangel]

Joke: 20 Years in Jail

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

[worldangel]

Joke: What For?

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied. "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "What do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

[worldangel]

Joke: What a Bachelor

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."

Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."

[worldangel]

Joke: I get worshipped at Home

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sunbathing

A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.

"You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[clementi]

Joke: The Kid has a Dream

During a quarrel with his parents, the teenager announced, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women.

I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. And don’t try to stop me!"

As he headed for the door, his father followed him.

"Didn't you hear me? Don’t try to stop me!"

"Stop you?" said his father, "I was thinking of joining you!"

[clementi]

Joke: You’ re Ugly as Hell!

Two football players are sitting in a dorm and talking about girls. One says to the other, "I never get lucky. I am too ugly."

The other player says, "No man, you just need to go to where I live. The girls don't even care what you look like."

So the ugly guy says, "Well lets go!"

They take the bus and get off in the friend's neighborhood. They start walking down the street, and the ugly guy turns and sees this beautiful woman across the street, curling her finger towards herself and saying, "come here."

The ugly guy turns toward his friend and says, "You were right. I'll meet up with you later, see ya!"

So he runs across the street and starts following the woman. She disappears for a brief moment around the bend of a building and then reappears signaling with her finger, "come here."

He continues to follow after her. She disappears behind another building, then reappears once again, still curling her finger, "come here."

Finally, he sees her at the top of an apartment's stairs and one last time she curls her finger, "come here."

He goes up the stairs and walks into the apartment, which is pitch dark. He closes the door behind him, and suddenly the lights turn on. There he sees the woman pointing at three kids saying, "I told you if you were bad I was going to bring you the Boogie Man!"

[clementi]

Joke: I’m Nothing like Dave

A man walked out into the street in big city, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Senility

An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elephant Implants

Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Bob replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".

[worldangel]

Joke: Skydiving

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again.

Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "fxxk no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Shipwrecked

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank God for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".

"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

[worldangel]

Joke: Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a redribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[worldangel]

Lesbian Joke: Circular Rashes

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young woman’s legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away."

The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Moon River

A man who has been un-decided about his sexuality all his life finally decides he is going to try sex with another man.

He goes to the local gay bar, and orders a drink.

The barman says "You look nervous, first time?"

"Yes" Says the man.

"Not to worry, I will take you back to my house and have sex with you. If you don't like it make the noise of an animal, and if you do like it, just sing a song."

The man agrees and goes home with the barman at the end of his shift. They go into his bedroom, and the barman strips him off and starts giving him one in the arse. He hears his new friend screaming "Moooo , moooo, MOON RIVER."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: I am over here

Two guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away.

The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend, I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass."

Just then a voice called out from behind a tree, "Officer, I'm over here."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Late-Night Diner

Three men armed with shotguns stormed into a late-night diner. "Everybody down on the floor!" one shouted. "We're going to rape all the men and rob all the women."

"No" another said. "That's wrong. We're going to rob all the men and rape all the women."

At that a man cowering in the corner piped up and said, "I think you should listen to that first darling."

[clementi]

Joke: Sexual Exhaustion

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."

[clementi]

Joke: Pearly Gates

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

[clementi]

Joke: Rancher

Steve saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year- old rancher, pull into town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.

Being one of Tom's oldest friends, Steve asked if the rumor was true, and Tom assured him that it was.

Steve then asked Tom how old the new bride-to-be was.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."

Now Steve, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman probably wouldn't be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, Steve tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.

Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, Steve ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" Steve asked Tom.

Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"

Steve, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, smilin' Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"