Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: New Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...

.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles

.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says............ "Blow Job Revenge"

[clementi]

Joke: Three Whores

Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I fxxked a cowboy last night", said the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were screwing."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.

"I fxxked a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we were fxxking."

They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.

"I fxxked a grain farmer," commented the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

Edited July 11, 2011 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Other Half

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and JEN looks at LYN and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

LYN says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs JEN... straight to the bathroom.

LYN goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, JEN?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits JEN with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, JEN? What's wrong?" asks LYN.

"LYN, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mouse

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Virgin Flight

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Gate number 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If any of you can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You!!!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Public Toilet

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"fxxks!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Disease

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.

The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Evening Class

A young woman went to an evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."

The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"

"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."

[clementi]

Joke: Virgins

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.

One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."

"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

[clementi]

Joke: Exam

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity.

In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:

"You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me."

The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dicked man to tell me that."

[clementi]

Joke: Great Business Plan

A guy is on a tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"True, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Everytime

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange City

Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress.."

"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "

"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"

"Sure."

"Then fxxk you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Secretary Pregnant

Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"

"Please don't ask."

"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"No, he did."

"How?"

"He punctured my condoms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Johnny Go Deeper

There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal and his sister was an administrator.

He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you.

So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I will not lay on the table".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.

So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.

All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"

So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking About Sex

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"

And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking About Sex

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"

And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[worldangel]

Joke: V Sweater

It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street. The girl leaned against the building, running her fingers through her bleached hair and smiling morethan-casually at the male passers-by. She wore a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater.

Finally, one of her comehither looks paid off and she was approached by a young man with a familiar glint in his eye. "Hi," he said, undressing her mentally.

"Hello, handsome."

His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost covered. "What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?"

"Uh-uh. Virgin."

"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "You're a virgin?"

"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Suggestions

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it ?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

[clementi]

Joke: Rude Doctor

A woman has an appointment with a gynecologist.

She is escorted to the examining room by the nurse and told to strip from the waist down and sit in the examining chair. So she strips down and puts a sheet over herself and places her feet in the stirrups.

The doctor comes in and lifts the sheet and gasps, "That's the biggest vagina I ever saw! That's the biggest vagina I ever saw!"

The woman replied fuming, "You didn't have to say it twice!"

The doctor answers back, "I didn't!"

[clementi]

Joke: New Store

Two business men are sitting in their soon to be new store.

As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now someone is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we are selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peak and asks, "What are ya sellin here boys?"

One of the men (being a smart ass) replies, "Oh we're selling ass holes here."

Without skipping a beat the fellow says, "Well I see you're doing really well, you've only got two left!"

[clementi]

Joke: Gynaecologist Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Wichita, Kansas , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston, Texas. That's about 616 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?",

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now."

[clementi]

Joke: Halloween Customes

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is Sex?

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.

One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."

Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"

Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?

"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.

"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?

"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual Encounter

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money just looking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned.

In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him.

That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"

He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

[clementi]

Joke: The Assistants

A doctor in Louisiana wants to get off work and go hunting so he approaches his assistant. 'Boudreaux, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic,' he says. 'I want you to take care of the clinic and all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Boudreaux.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, 'So, Boudreaux, how was your day?'

Boudreaux tells him that he took care of three patients 'the first one had a headache, so I give him da Tylenol.'

'Bravo, Boudreaux, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave da Maalox says Boudreaux..

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?'

'Sir, I was sittin here and all of a sudden da door opens and a woman comes a runnin into da room.

Quick as a wink she tears her clothes off, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and she laid down on da table. She spreads her Legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!'

'Thunderin' heavens, Boudreaux, what did you do?'

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[clementi]

Joke: Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear....!"

[clementi]

Joke: Three Guys

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell.

When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."

The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.

The guy's thinking, "fxxk yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife."

The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years.

He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."

The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud.

The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.

The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fxxking gay!" he screams.

The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago.

The devil asks him if he learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.

"You gotta a light, man?"

[clementi]

Joke: Making Cigarettes

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon, they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they making cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny.Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes, why do not we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?" Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, and then replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike."

[clementi]

Joke: Bar Contests

Banta, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey," Jeeto exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But dear," he says, "the prize is ten thousand rupees"

"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when Jeeto walks in on him in the bedroom, counting the prize money.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" Jeeto asks.

"Please forgive me, sweetheart." Banta says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

Banta looks at Jeeto fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

[clementi]

Joke: The Anatomy Class

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

[clementi]

Joke: Blow or ...?

Banta leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.

The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."

"Ouch! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"

[clementi]

Joke: Husband and Wife at ....

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said.

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top Pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said. "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'danger'.

With a death grip in place, she said. "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener the postman the pool man and your brother!"

[clementi]

Joke: Shopping

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system:

"Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

[clementi]

Joke: Miracle

A man is visiting his wife in the hospital, where she has just unfortunately been diagnosed with a terminal disease. They are waiting to talk to the doctor when she suddenly turns to him and says, "Honey, I am horny. How about we do it right here?"

"You have got to be kidding, "says the man. "How can you think of sex at a time such as this?"

"Oh please, honey," pleads his wife. "I might not have much time left. Maybe just quick oral sex?"

The man looks around, thinks "what the hell," pulls the curtain, and goes down on his wife, who obviously enjoys it a great deal.

Several days go by, and they then have another conference with the doctor, who shaking his head, exclaims, "I have never seen a case like this. Further tests show no sign of malignancy!"

A few months later, the man has dinner with his brother, and describes the wonderful miracle that has apparently occurred. To his surprise, his brother stands up and punches him in the face.

"Goodness, what did you do that for?" exclaims the man.

"You bastard," replies his brother, "you could have saved mom!"

"Marine Recruit"

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Marines.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She will have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged. "Sure, but who will tell?"

[clementi]

Joke: Shooting at Wrong

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.......He just walked in the door."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hang On

Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean.

After travelling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their small boat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off.

Billy yelled at Little Johnny, "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off!

Little Johnny yelled back, "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island."

So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming. He looked at Billy and said, "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!"

And Billy said, "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Ass

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was travelling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker.

He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.

Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.

It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a travelling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions.

The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"

"Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass."

The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else.

He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street.

He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."

The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!"

At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant.

He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before travelling on to the next town.

The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you have stranger?"

The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter."

The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Change or ?

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Up or Down

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'f**k or drown'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma on a Cruise

The children and grand children of an elderly woman decided to send grandma on a cruise...

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."

She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?

He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.

"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"

The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."

"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.

The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.U.C.K.."

Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.

Foist U Could Knock!

[clementi]

Joke: Viagra

Marina and Amy were sitting drinking coffee.

Amy looked quite down and so Marina asked her what the problem was.

Amy's brow furrowed and she said, "Marina, that Viagra is the work of the devil. Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for years and years to come. I can see it now. He's screaming ...

"Who's your granddaddy, who's your granddaddy? Oh dear, I can't remember! What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?"

[clementi]

Joke: Proper Rituals

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Barton," said Mr.Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Barney, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Barney was walking down the hall with his member hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton.

"Mr. Barney," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your privates back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Barney, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Santa and A Boy

A boy sitting on Santa’s lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmy’s eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?"

The boy says "Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing Virginity

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rare Erection

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.

The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.

Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."

"Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: Peeing Lesson

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

"1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

[worldangel]

Joke: Immigrant Style

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

[clementi]

Joke: Vacation

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an a+s full of quarters!"