Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Honeymoon Horrors

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what' s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

[clementi]

Joke: My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My private part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace, 'I told you yesterday that my private part died.'

'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?

'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

[clementi]

Joke: State of Head

There was this competition. A famous highly priced, in great demand whore will not make a single sound of pleasure while getting screwed and one who can make her moan or say a word of pleasure gets the Jackpot of huge bets.

A macho wrestler came and did all the jacking and jumping and then came out wildly screaming,

"She wins I surrender to this goddess of ultimate sex need."

Famous pxxno movie star with longest penis on record came and tried all the poses, positions, tossing and turning and came out tired screaming, "She wins, I surrender to this goddess of ultimate sex need."

Finally, this famous bullish matador comes, and the whore came out screaming

"He wins, I surrender to this beast of ultimate manhood."

The man was awarded the jackpot and asked on live international TV, "What did you do?"

The man answered, "I used my head."

[clementi]

Joke: Genie

Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Jill. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Jill.

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s My Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.

He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Date

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"

Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Check-Up

A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."

Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."

So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.

Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.

The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".

She says "99".

"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99".

She says "99".

Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.

"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."

He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"

She says, "one, two, three....... ...".

[worldangel]

Joke: Sandwiches in Bed

A guy and a girl want to make out.

So they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and gettin it on. First the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Then she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!"

Then she switches back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "If you're going to make sandwiches up there, you'd better not spill any mayonnaise on me or I'm telling mom!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Peeing Lesson

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

"1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman

A travelling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fxxking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the sales-man found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Break-off Engagement

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

[clementi]

Joke: Female Sex Education

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

[clementi]

Joke: Xcuse Me

Girl: Xcuse me brother, that's my seat.

Boy: OK! But I'm not ur brother, my father never fxxked ur mom.

Girl: True, but my father did !

[clementi]

Joke: Good in Bed?

Woman: "Are you good in bed?"

Man: "Of course I am."

Woman: "How do you know?"

Man: "Because I'm always satisfied... ."

[clementi]

Joke: Hello

A guy goes into a doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, doctor you've got to help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Twice a day I have sex with my wife."

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary."

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute."

"Well, that's definately too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

[clementi]

Joke: Pregnant Woman

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

[clementi]

Joke: Dentist

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked . . . "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count asshole?!"

[clementi]

Joke: Mailbox

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.. that was me.'

[gummibear]

Joke: Mailbox

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.. that was me.'

LOL LOVE THIS!

[worldangel]

Joke: Sixteen Year Old In Labour

The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital's labour and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled.

A sixteen-year-old in labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia.

Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled fxxk right into the nurse's face.

With $!^*| calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, "You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexy Lady

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".

Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me."

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure.

Again, nothing happened.

The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response."

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power." :oops:

[clementi]

Joke: Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

[clementi]

Joke: Three Doctors

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

[clementi]

Joke: I am Your Husband

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:

Shit!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman: I'm your husband, you slut!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Desert Sacrifice

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, Goodness. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

[clementi]

Joke: Husband Wife’s Friends

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[clementi]

Joke: A student's request for extra money

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

[clementi]

Joke: Horrible Mistake at Hospital

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

"Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!"

"Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's."

[clementi]

Joke: Classic Farmer Joke

A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this, the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

[clementi]

Joke: Purchasing a New Bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

[clementi]

Joke: Who Will Do The Pots?

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.

"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.

So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.

At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fxxking pots!"

[clementi]

Joke: Airplane Ride

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[clementi]

Joke: I don’t owe you anything for this Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Had A Baby

Woman: I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?

Woman: No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm.

Dispatcher: I'm sorry, did you say "orgasm"?

Woman: Yes. Am I doing them right?

Dispatcher: Sounds like it to me.

[worldangel]

Joke: Whorehouse

Doug walks out of a whorehouse and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought.

"Man!" he says to himself.

"What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Married For Money

A man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.

"Nice tits love, I want to open a fxxking checking account," the man snarls.

"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.

"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a fxxking checking account."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that." She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return and the manager asks, stiffly,

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a fxxking checking account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies,

"and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?"

[clementi]

Joke: Bob’s Birthday

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club be

fore. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[clementi]

Joke: Mad Dogs

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pain

A drunk was sitting on a train behind two women discussing pain.

Both women agreed that nothing could be more painful than childbirth.

The drunk leaned forward and tapped one lady on the shoulder and said, "Pardon me, but have either of you ladies ever been kicked in the testicles?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Barn Sex

A couple was going at it in a barn down on the farm. In the process, the condom slipped off.

The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.

Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.

Doctor replies, "It's a baby boy dressed in a little raincoat and a straw hat.

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature Ejaculation

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.

"Can you do anything to help me doc?" said the man.

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span," replied the doctor.

[clementi]

Joke: Topless Fat Woman

One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top.

She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked over to her towel.

Then a little girl came running up to her.

"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

[clementi]

Joke: Deciding Three days

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband’s constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still today, I am waiting for you upstairs."

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking Like Crazy

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, my best friend, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[clementi]

Lesbian Joke: Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies.

Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?"

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!"

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me," Dad asks.

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up".

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Salesman

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fxxking ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fxxking car."

[clementi]

Joke: One Wish

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fxxking map again."

[clementi]

Joke: First Date

Danny was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him.

She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too.

That was fine with Danny, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Andy if he would help him out.

"Why sure," said Andy, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."

"No problem," said Danny. "Just do everything I do."

Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Danny started kissing his date, Andy followed suit.

Soon Danny had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Andy undid his date's.

Next, Danny was feeling inside her panties, but when Andy tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.

"Why?" asked Andy, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.

"I have my period," she said.

"Your what?"

"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.

"This I gotta see," said Andy.

He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants.

White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"

[clementi]

Joke: Artificial Pussy

A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.

You could not distinguish it from the real thing.

Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise.

He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.

Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship.

The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.

The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?"

The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.

The inventor blew his stack.

He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"

The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"