Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Touch Breasts

A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes.

Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.

With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Fart

Two gay guys, named Terry and Andy naturally, are in a train compartment with just one other passenger, DANNY - a City type reading his Daily Telegraph.

"Andy?" asks Terry. "Do you mind if I fart?"

Andy replies, "Of course not, luvvy! Go ahead!"

And with that Terry emits a "Pffffffffff!" like an emission of steam, barely audible.

A few minutes later Andy asks, "Terry? Do you mind I have a little farty poo?"

"No darling!" says Andy.

And Andy duly replies with a "Psssssssss!", a mere whisper in the air.

Danny the City gent puts down his newspaper and says "I couldn't help overhearing you two chaps, but would you mind awfully if I had a fart?"

Terry and Andy reply "Don't be shy on our part, ducky!"

And with that Danny lets out a "HRRRRRMPPPPPHHHHHHFFFFFFFF!", window-rattling, triple salko, 10 pints of Guinness and a vindaloo of a fart with possible follow through!

With that, Terry turns to Andy and says, "You can always tell a virgin!"

[clementi]

Joke: Never Slept with a Man

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," declared the stern mother to her wild young daughter.

"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"

"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."

[clementi]

Joke: Face the Music

A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular! " the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the fxxkin Clarinet."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the fxxkin Clarinet.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the fxxking Clarinet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: First Date

A young innocent girl is about to go on her first date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."

"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped."

"Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said.

"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Just a Wish

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful young blonde woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines.

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Documentary

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of a tribe. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a man who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another man.

This man had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, need less to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fxxk' em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fxxk`em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said, "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don`t have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me fxxk' em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

[clementi]

Joke: What Parent’s Thought

One day at school, the teacher asked the children what their parents thought was beautiful. She asked Sally, and Sally replied,

"My Mom thinks that flowers are beautiful." "Why is that," she asked?

"Because she says they smell really nice." The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks antique cars are beautiful."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their original form." Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks pregnant women are."

"Why is that," she asked? "Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said 'beautiful just fxxking beautiful!'"

[clementi]

Joke: Bi-Sexual

Kevin, the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!", to his friend James.

"Are you crazy? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.

Kevin responded... "Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?

[clementi]

Joke: Okie & His New Bride

About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhoea the doc says no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says.

"Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the Clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, Let me get this straight, your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Cab Driver

The traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed and several minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[clementi]

Joke: Twick or Tweat

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fxxking cookies!"

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Confessional

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex."

"Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy

One woman stops a taxi.

- To the airport, please.

After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:

- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.

- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.

- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

[worldangel]

Joke: Elephants in the City?

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee.

From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window.

A passenger standing near him asks:

-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?

-I’m chasing away the elephants

-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.

-Well that means it's working!

[worldangel]

Joke: Driving Backwards

On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.

- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?

- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.

After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.

- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?

- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.

[worldangel]

Joke: 30 Sailors & A Woman

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:

- I can not proceed in this way.

And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:

- We can not proceed in this way.

And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:

- We can not proceed in this way.

And they dig up the woman.

Edited August 24, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Policeman on Vacation

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.

- You are right, lets go to the beach.

After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.

- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.

- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Black & White Shoes

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:

- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.

The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.

- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bachelor and Married Man

A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:

- "fxxk it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.

Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:

- "fxxk it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.

[worldangel]

Joke: .... he works till 3pm!

One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:

- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.

The doctor, looking his watch says:

- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.

- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.

The doctor, angrily says:

- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.

- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.

The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.

- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bath in a River

A girl after taking bath in a river finds that her clothes missing.

She sees an old man in a cycle, & asks him for a lift to her home.

He says, ok sit on the handle of my cycle & she do.

On reaching her home. She says Baba thank you so much, but have you not noticed that I have no clothes on my body.

The old man replies, you also not noticed I have no handle in my cycle.

[worldangel]

Joke: Grilling Remarks

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

[worldangel]

Joke: Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Always Been a Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favour? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nightmare

A man goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?

The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddad had died. The father assures the son that granddad is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddad dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son`s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work, in case of a collision.

He doesn`t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Finally, his day is over and he goes home to his wife and family. He steps through the front door and says to his wife, "I`ve just had the worst day of my entire life!"

"You think your day was bad," she replies. "The postman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[clementi]

Joke: Mid-Flight

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[clementi]

Joke: Heart Attack

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

[clementi]

Joke: Growing Old

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

[clementi]

Lesbian Joke: Horny Lesbian

Two lesbians were walking down the street one-day.

They soon spotted a beautiful woman on the other side of the road. "Ooh, look at that beautiful woman, I'd like to give her one" said the first.

"Unh, Unh" mumbled the other.

It continued like that; anytime they passed a gorgeous woman and the first one would wax lyrical about her, the other would just mumble, "Unh, Unh Uhh...".

When they got to the bar, the first lesbian turned to the other, "Hey, what's with all the mumbling back there when we came across all those beautiful women?"

"I'm sorry ...," said the second lesbian "... my tongue got hard!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are Ugly

A lady was walking down the street on her way to work when she passed a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot shocked her when he yelled out: "Hey lady! You're UGLY!" Fit to be tied, the lady stormed past the store and went on to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it yelled at her again: "Hey lady! You're UGLY!" She was extremely angry by now, and she stomped all the way home, grumbling and cussing out the parrot.

The next day, there was the same parrot again and she tried to ignore him, but just as she passed by he yelled: "Hey lady! You're UGLY!" The woman was so beside herself with fury that she burst into the pet store and said, "I've HAD it! I'm going to sue you if you don't get rid of that parrot!"

The store manager apologized over and over and promised he would give the parrot a punishment he would never forget, and he swore that the bird would never *ever* yell at her again.

When the lady walked past the store that evening after work, the parrot called out to her, "Excuse me, Ma'am, may I speak to you for a moment?"

Surprised at the parrot's polite tone, she paused and answered, "Yes? What is it?"

The bird leaned forward on its perch and quietly whispered: "YOU know."

[worldangel]

Joke: Case Dismissed

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fxxking ship?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Maths Teacher

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my ass ???

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hell

A guy goes to hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by Satan. Satan informs him of his situation and explains that he will have two choices for his punishment. First, Satan takes him to the boiler room. In there, the man sees people working shovelling coal into the boilers. They're all hot and completely miserable. Satan asks the man if this is where he would like to be; he replies with a resounding "No".

Satan then takes him to his second choice. They arrive at a room full of people standing in shit. The smell is horrible, but everyone seems to be relatively happy. The man decides that this will be his eternal punishment. Satan says OK, get in the room. The man enters the room.

Then, Satan says, OK, breaks over, everybody back to standing on their heads.

[clementi]

Joke: Pet Shop

A short-sighted man walks into a pet shop under the impression it is a cafe and sits down, a few minutes later he decides to get some 'food', so he calls over a staff member, points at a turtle and says "Give us one of those would you?"

The puzzled worker gives him a turtle and he pays for it and walks out.

Half an hour later the same man comes in and says "Gives us another one of those crusty meat pies would you?".

[clementi]

Joke: Young Stud

This young stud was at his favourite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.

He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.

"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"

"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

[clementi]

Joke: Six Inches Above Ground

Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head."

"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Whorehouse

A guy walks into a whorehouse. He says, give me the cheapest whore you got. The pimp replies, she's ten dollars but you can only eat her out. The man agrees and the pimp leads him to a room. Leaves, comes back later with a lady and says have fun. The lady lays on the bed spreads eagle and says go ahead.

The man starts to eat her out, and five minutes into it starts to choke. The man coughs up a pea and discards the idea. He goes back to his business and begins to choke again. This time he coughs up a piece of corn. And gives her a questionable look and continues nonetheless. Later he begins to choke once more this time on a piece of beef.

The man says "Damn Baby, you sick or something".

She replies "Of course not, but the guy before you was."

[clementi]

Joke: Only 50 Cents

This guy walks into a whore house, with very little money. He is very horny, so he asks "How much for a really cheap one?"

The mistress says, "Well, in room 213 we got a real cheap 'un. Only 50 cents."

"Good" says the man as he hands over the money. Bout fifteen minutes later, he comes back down and says "Ma'am, I think your girl is sick. There is white stuff coming out her ears."

"Damn. 'Hey Joe, go up there and clean out the dead one. She's full again!!!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: UFO Crash

A guy is walking beside a lake when he sees a flying saucer swoop overhead, and crash in to the water. In the wreckage that floats to the surface, he sees a body, so he dives in to pull it ashore. It turns out to be a beautiful, green skinned alien babe in a skintight silver spacesuit. He gives her mouth to mouth, and unzips her suit to help her breathe.

"Oh thank you, human, you've saved my life!" she gasps. Then seeing the guy staring at her exposed, green skinned tits, she smiles shyly.

"On my planet we call these 'breasts'...do you like them?"

The guy nods, speechless, as the ET beauty arches her back, fingertips stroking the jutting emerald buds atop her firm boobs.

"These, we call 'nipples'....." she gasps, before unzipping her spacesuit all the way down.

"...and this, on my world, is called a 'pussy'..." she croons, revealing her lovely. bald, smooth green snatch.

Unable to contain himself the guy tugs down his fly and pulls out his cock.

"What do you call this on your world?" he gasps.

"I don't know" the alien babe frowns. "But if it were green and eight inches longer, it would be a cock."

[worldangel]

Joke: Explores

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles and were captured by a pigmy tribe. The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die. Could they chosen the way they wanted to go.

After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat and wanted to eat himself to death.

The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink and wanted to drink himself to death.

Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explorer loved to screw women.

This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women. They finally got it all together and placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out.

He went to the first hut, and found the man had ate so much, he exploded. He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them.

In the second hut, the explorer drank so much he puked his guts out. The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut... 10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing Laundry

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" five times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet, maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want."

He replied, "That's OK... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Luck

A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?"

"No," she said, "I've got cold crème on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed."

He said, "Ok," and went on to bed.

The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"

She said, "No, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess up the bed.

He said, "Ok." and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"

She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed."

He said, "Ok," and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?"

She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed."

"Ok," he said and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home with a big cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.

His wife asked what the outfit was for.

He replied, "Cream, mud, shit, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms with Pesticide

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them that condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Policeman

A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment. When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other ones exposed ass. When the policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states, "My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up".

The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass!

To which the drunk replies, "When I put this finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw up!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Scientist

A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him, "I've created an apple that tastes like pussy! I think I'll market it and call it something like 'Forbidden Fruit brand apples'"

The assistant says, "Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and quickly spit's it back out. "That tastes like shit!"

"Oh." says the scientist, "Turn it over."

[clementi]

Joke: Three Women

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night."

The second one replied, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."

The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Half-Time .......

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Census Bureau

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman.

"Hello, all," I announced.

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.

"The census bureau?" I asked.

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.