Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Can we sue?

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." Responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin'. Can I sue Budwiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

[clementi]

Joke: Visit to the Doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[clementi]

Joke: Screwed

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

[clementi]

Joke: Lawyer on Vacation

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

[worldangel]

Joke: Play Your Age

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.

At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 come up.

The smile drifted from the woman’s face and she fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Slow Driving Habits

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story

.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss Me, Doctor

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."

"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad News

A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which.

He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr. Smith answers the phone."Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, I don't know which.

"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.

"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, DON'T F*** HER!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vengeance

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught Cheating

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Liars

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone.

The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Deaf & Dumb

One day two deaf mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time.

They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.

This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way.

The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost 1 million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doc tor to start the treatment that day.

The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table.

The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end.

The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf mute's ass.

The mute screamed, "AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said, "very good we will work on the B's tomorrow.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Elephant Implants

Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Bob replied:"Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".

[worldangel]

Joke: Small Heads

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."

The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"

"No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."

"And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

[worldangel]

Joke: What a man wants?

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.

First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.

Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

[worldangel]

Joke: Code Word for Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Erectile Dysfunction

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Elephant Implants

Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Bob replied:"Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Liars

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Bingo

This guy had a very attractive wife who was always wanting clothes, jewellery, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard of Hearing

An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.

The doctor replied, "If she won't come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home. If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you've said. If she doesn't hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear."

Armed with this information, he sets off home. Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door. Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Still no response; so he enters the kitchen, and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Again she doesn't respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

With that she reels around and shouts at him, "Bangers and mash, for the fourth f..king time, you deaf bastard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cure for Headaches

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Talented

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "F*** me! Can it whistle as well?"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Deaf & Dumb

One day two deaf mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times.

Through the course of conversation one of the deaf mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.

This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office.

The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost 1 million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doc tor to start the treatment that day.

The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end.

The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf mute's ass. The mute screamed, "AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said, "very good we will work on the B's tomorrow.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Hung Like a Spud

Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies when Dan say "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."

Will gives him some advance by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"

Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.

They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."

After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: After a bad Accident

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Bum in need of Food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart-Ass

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

[worldangel]

Joke: Confidence

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Affair with DentistLaura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dentist

An old lady visits the dentist, sits on the chair, takes off her panties, & opens her legs wide.

Dentist says “I’m not a gynaecologist”

She says “I know, I just want you to take my husbands teeth out!”

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke:Heaven Or Hell

An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in.

The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"

"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."

The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.

"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."

The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.

"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."

"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"

"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: 40^th Wedding Anniversary

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: The Ice-cream Shop

A man walks around the beach looking for something to cool him down in the heat. He sees an ice-cream shop with a sign outside, “Any flavour ice-cream you want made here”. Curious, he walks in…

Hi, can you really make any flavour ice creams? He asks.

Yep. Anything, the guy behind the counter answers.

Thinking of something difficult, he says… OK, I’ll have a fish and chips ice cream.

The shop attendant scratches his head. Give me 2 mins.

Two minutes later, he returns with an ice cream. The customer tries it. Hmm, I can taste the fish, but what about the chips?

Turn it round the shopkeeper says.

Sure enough the other side tasted of chips.

Impressed, he orders another one. This time, I’ll have an ice cream of Bangers and Mash.

Give me 5 minutes he says.

5 mins later he returns with an ice cream. Sure enough, it tastes of Bangers.

Where’s the mash the customer asks…

Turn it round. Sure enough, Bangers and Mash.

Impressed, the customer thinks for a while. OK, this is going to be difficult. Give me an ice cream that tastes like a woman’s fanny!

The shopkeeper thinks for a minute. OK, give me 10 mins.

After 10 mins, he returns with an ice cream. The customer tastes it.

Ugh! Sick! This tastes like shit! The disgusted customer exclaims!

The shopkeeper says… Turn it round.

[crazygolfer]

Gay Joke: All Gays

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because my father was a gay."

"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.

"My brother is gay."

"That still doesn't mean that you are".

"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."

The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.

"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.

"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

[crazygolfer]

Gay Joke: Old Gay Man

What a drag it is getting old...

When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."

I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"

And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Enjoying Dinner

A married couple sitting in a restaurant enjoying their dinner, halfway through the main course the man excuses himself and goes to the toilet. The woman sits there alone and decides to touch up her lipstick. The man on the next table leans over and says to the woman, “you have amazing breasts, I want to tweak them and pinch your nipples until they bleed!”

That is disgusting, you pervert, wait until my husband gets back, he will punch you in the mouth for talking to me like that.

The man interjected, I have not finished, after I have made your nipples bleed I will rip your knickers off with my teeth and stick my tongue up your arse!

Oh, you fxxking sick bastard, when my husband gets back he will kick your arse for saying these things to me…

Wait, I have not finished, after making your nipples bleed and after sticking my thumb up your arse I will fill up your cunt with beer, insert a straw and drink it all; what do say to that?

You are going to die when my husband gets back, he will fxxking snap your neck you dirty perverted wanker…

A couple of minutes later, the husband returns and can see his wife is clearly upset.

What is wrong darling? asked her husband.

Well, that nasty man next door said some terrible things to me, he said he wanted to tweak and twist my nipples until they bleed!

The husband was outraged, he took off his suit jacket and before he could do anything else his wife said, ‘that is not all, he also said he would then stick his thumb up my arse!’

The husband now feeling really angry rolled up his sleeves and was about to beat the man up when his wife stood and said, ‘that is not all, he then said he would fill up my cunt with beer, stick a straw in and drink every last drop!’

The husband rolled his sleeves back down, put on his suit jacket and sat quietly at the table.

After a few seconds the woman turned to her husband and said, ‘why are you not beating the shit out of that dirty, perverted wanker who said those terrible things to me?’

‘Well, to be honest, I don’t wanna fight a man who drink that much beer!’

[worldangel]

Joke: Knowledge is Power

Two strangers are sitting at adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”

The first guy says, “I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don’t know shit?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Urologist Appointment

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Iceberg

"I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a lettuce stuck in my bottom!"

"Good grief" the doctor replies "I'd better take a look"

"It's worse than that" the doctor says after the examination - "that’s just the tip of the iceberg"

[worldangel]

Joke: Constipation

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet seats stolen

All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still at large, the police are having a time figuring it out, and they have nothing to go on.

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[worldangel]

Joke: At The Doctor

So, there is a guy named John, who has a really bad stuttering problem, so he goes to doctor to see what he can do.

John: H-h-h-hello d-d-doctor, c-c-c-an y-y-you h-h-help m-me w-w-with m-m-y s-s-s-stuttering?

Doctor: Yeah, well see what i can do

****after examinations***

Doctor: Well, john you see…your penis is too long and it pulling on your vocal chords, I could take about 3 inches off and it should cure your stuttering problem

John: O-o-o-okay

***performs operation and john comes back a week later***

John: Hey doctor, I can’t believe it! It worked!, but is there a chance you could sew it back on? I’d rather be stuttering than missing 3 inches.

Doctor: N-n-n-n-no w-w-wway!

Edited September 10, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Unique Marriage Counselling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counsellor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counsellor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Train has failed

A large two-engined train was crossing each other. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Try to get some rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."