Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Black Testicles?

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Dad and Son Roadtrip

This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip...and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed asks "Dad can I have one?"

The man replies "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The son says "No"

The dad replies "Then your not old enough"

A few miles later the dad pulls out a cigarette.

The son says "Dad can I have a drag"

The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass?"

The son replies once more "No"...

The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isn't having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket...Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one..

The dad then asks the son "Hey how about you share some of that with your old man"

The son then replies "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The dad, in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes!"

and the son replies....

"Good...go fxxk yourself then..."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: F in Mathematics

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fxxking difference?" asks the father.

Little Johnny replies "That's exactly what I said!

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Thanksgiving

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Their son walked in and said "what’s that mean?" The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick" their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "what’s that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fxxk" she said, once again their kid came in and said "whats that mean?" the mom said that’s was what she was doing to the turkey.

The door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for Thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fxxking the turkey!

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Bell Sex

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.

"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great."

"When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear."

"When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck."

"When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife.

Triumphantly he says, "We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life!"

"When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked."

"When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed".

"When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready?"

"Bell #1!" (they strip naked)

"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)

"Bell #3!" (they start screwing the brains out)

A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".

The husband confused says, "Bell #4, What’s that?"

The wife screams "More hose! More hose! You are not reaching the fire!"

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Grandma’s Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied,"Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Credit Card

This guy was standing at a bus stop while another guy walked up to him, licks a $5 dollar bill and slapped it on his right cheek.

Another guy walk-up and lick a $10 dollar bill and slapped it on his left cheek.

Another guy walk-up and licked a $20 dollar bill and slapped it on his forehead.

Another guy walked up to him and licked a $50 dollar bill and slapped it on his right ass cheek.

Another did the same thing with a $100 dollar bill and slapped it on his left ass cheek.

Then another guy walked up to him with a credit card and swiped his butt crack and took all the money!

[worldangel]

Joke: Voodoo Dildo

A middle aged businessman is married to a hot young woman. He has to go on a business trip, the first since their wedding. He knows full well that there’s no way she can remain loyal while he’s away so he decided to go to the local Adult Toy Store to get something for her to pass the time with.

He explains his situation to the clerk and asks if there’s anything in the store that will keep his wife occupied for an entire week. The clerk starts to say something but quickly changes his mind and says that, no, there is nothing.

Man: You were about to say something, please tell me what you were about to say!

Clerk: Well, we’re really not supposed to say anything about it…

Man: Honestly, money’s no object! If you can sell me something to keep her occupied for a week, I’ll pay you enough that you can retire tonight and buy your own island in the Bahamas.

Clerk: well, I suppose there’s no harm in showing you…

He pulls an old shoebox out from under the counter and opens it. Inside the man sees a regular looking rubber dildo.

Clerk: Just watch this, sir. Voodoo Dick, the door!

the dildo flies out of the box and starts banging into the keyhole of the front door. The door is moaning and starts to crack down the middle before the clerk shouts “Voodoo Dick, the box!” The dildo flies back to the box and lies back down.

The man presents the Voodoo Dick to his wife right as he’s on his way out the door. “All you have to do is open this box and say “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!”. She promises to give it a try.

Ten minutes after he leaves, she catches herself checking out the pool boy and remembers her promise to her husband. She goes to her bedroom, opens the box and commands “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!”

She can’t believe the power and prowess of this magical dildo. She cums and cums and cums until five hours later she’s overcome with exhaustion. Unfortunately she can’t remember how to turn it off.

After a while, she decides to go to the hospital and have them surgically remove it. As you can imagine though, it’s hard to drive with a Voodoo Dick inside of you and of course she gets pulled over.

Cop: Ma’am, have you been drinking?

Woman: No officer, not a single OHMYGOSS *excuse me* not a drop

Cop: Do you realize how recklessly you were driving? Have you no excuse?

Woman: Officer, I swear I’m driving the best I HOLY SHIT!!! *cough* the best I can.

Cop: I ought to take you in as you don’t seem to be taking this seriously at all!

Woman: The truth is, Officer, that I’m being attacked by a Voodoo Dick!

Cop: HAH!! Voodoo Dick my ass!

[worldangel]

Joke: American Express

A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London

"How much?" he asked

"It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart

"American Express?" he inquired

"You can go as fast as you like" she said

[worldangel]

Joke: Partner Swapping

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.

When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to His new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Oldman and 17-year Girl

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him.

"A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Zoo

A local zoo has just received a prized female silverback gorilla. However, there are no male silverbacks for her. The zookeeper notices she has begun to grow angry and try to grab customers. After some research, the zookeeper determines the gorilla is in heat.

One day, he approaches the redneck janitor with an offer.

“Would you have sex with that gorilla for $500?”

The redneck janitor says:

“Yes, under 3 conditions.”

“Condition 1, she can’t kiss me.”

“Condition 2, you can’t tell anyone.”

The zookeeper agrees to these conditions, but asks the janitor what the third is.

The janitor replies: “You might have to give me some time to come up with the $500.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Her Husband Cheating

A woman finds out her husband is cheating… in a fit of anger she decides on a plan to get revenge.

That day she tidies the house and makes a special meal and then waits on his arrival. Whistling and in a really up mood he kisses her on the cheek. She serves his favourite meal and fix him drinks all night while he sits watching the television. She then performs oral sex and anal sex for him… something she’s never done before. Whacked out he disappears up stairs to bed. She tells him she has a tonne of ironing to do and she’ll be up later.

A couple of hours pass, she can only think of the deceit and pain and puts her plan into action. Sneaking upstairs sure that he’s asleep she pulls back the covers and screams ”Cheat on me will ya?” With one foul swoop she removes his manhood. In all the pain and screaming she panics.

Rushing down the stairs and out of the house, she jumps into the car and bolts out of town at fast as the car will go. As the red mist clears she realises that the police are all over her, motorbikes, cars and helicopters. “shit! what have I done?” she shouts… and in that moment of clarity she realises she still has his penis in her hand. “fxxkin’ hell I’ve gotta get rid of it!” so without a thought she tosses it out of the sunroof.

Splat! it lands on the police car’s window behind, swerving to remind in control the police driver looks at the sarge beside him. “shit Sarge! we gotta stop this crazy bitch! - shes going to kill some one!!”

“fxxk that!” says the Sarge, “did you see the size of the cock on that fly?”

[worldangel]

Joke: One Less Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental Patients

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

"Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart Transplant

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Difficult Case

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.

"So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked."Of course not," the old man replied.

"But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just release from Prison

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly," she said.

"But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, YOUR TURN."

[worldangel]

Joke: At Costume Shop

A guy goes into a costume shop.

He says, "I’m going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."She brings out a bigger one.

He says, "Still not big enough."She brings out a huge fig leaf.

He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Social Welfare

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask.

The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Edited September 12, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual Harassment

A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it.

The bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it.

Then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!"

Edited September 12, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Old and Forgetful

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion"

[worldangel]

Joke: Filing Taxes

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, Ill need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I’m a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I’m a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude.

Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I’m a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?".

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

[clementi]

Joke: Wrong Idea

During her annual check-up, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[clementi]

Joke: Marines

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.

The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

[clementi]

Joke: Warehouse or Whorehouse?

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.

With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.

In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety."Private," the officer said, "I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prostitutes

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.

The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think Ill have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you’re so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Drive

A 90 year man finally gets to see a Doctor and the doctor asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Doctor to lower his sex drive.

The Doctor is taken a back a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you?

The man answers I am 90. The Doctor, still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered?

Yes said the man, it’s all in my head and I want you to lower it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Be the Boss

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

[clementi]

Joke: Lager

A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"I think my dick is too small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Well, Lager," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem! Lager shrinks things. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow," says the doctor.

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Father and Son

A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house, the father told his son to watch him so he would know what to do.

Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she needed to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest.

When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much. The old doctor said that when he dropped his pen on the floor, it was so clean there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.

When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his turn to play doctor.

At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing too much church work and needed to cut down on what she did.

When the doctors got outside the old doctor asked the young one how he knew she was doing too much church work.

The young man said, "When I bent down to pick up my pen, I saw the preacher under the bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: No Viagra

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant’s trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.

While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments then get a sly look on her face.

She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgical Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Positive

A man named Dino has a job which subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Dino adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor.

During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night. Dino admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.

The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"

Dino told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.

"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.

"Sure I did," answered Dino. "Why, what's the matter?"

"Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Three Gay Men

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favourite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chillies, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bullseye

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grapes using only your tongue. Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nuts

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrists asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."

"Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. so I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally he was persuaded to open it.

Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My goodness what are you doing?"

"I'm fxxking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Headaches

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and.." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?"

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I, myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home."

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Doctor’s Advice

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a gay guy.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's clinics, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The gay guy looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

Edited September 14, 2011 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: I feel pretty

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 60's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today!" as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. Were you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The First Time

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your DENTIST. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT! I know what you were thinking!

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing Gas

An elderly lady complains to the Medical Doctor (M.D) that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!"

The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Underwear

An old man had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took his wife with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the doctor told the old man to take off his shirt.

The old man turned to the wife and shouted, "What did he say?" and the wife got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" The old man nodded and took his shirt off.

The doctor then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat.

The old man shouted, "What?" and the the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." The old man nodded and tilted his head back.

When this was all over, the doctor said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample.

The old man yelled, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "The doctor wants your underpants!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s as easy as 1-2-3

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and the doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What do I do to make it go down?"

The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will no longer be hard. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. He is lying in bed with her and says, "123." Suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' FOR?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Oldies getting kinky

One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don`t we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up (it`s been a while). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walked out of the bathroom and saw her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother-in-law problem

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.

"I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said.

"Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered.

"But I got mine pregnant."