Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s Orders

A lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first.

He stood up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side, rotated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

The doctor had her try it and told her to do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in 1 week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at BestBuy, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

[worldangel]

Lesbian Joke: The Real Biker?

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doorknob

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: To attract her

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick:

"but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.

"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.

What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Doctor

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sunburn Treatment

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor? "

It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Farmer

A man owned a small farm in a village.

The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the rep.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a 'Happy Hour' every Friday."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer !!

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: "I want to keep my house."

He said: "That's fine with me."

She said: "And I want to keep my Cadillac."

He said: "That's fine with me."

She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."

He said: "That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays."

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Groceries

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sportsman’s Double

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter three-some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Menopause Jewellery

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fxxkin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[worldangel]

Joke: Memories

A 80-year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pilot

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunette’s lips and started kissing her.

She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits.

She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fxxk did you do that!?!" she yells.

The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."

[worldangel]

Joke: Preventing Decease

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl”.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Certainties

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

(Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

[worldangel]

Joke: Eat Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

[worldangel]

Joke: Screw her?

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, that provided them their food.

Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! The lawyer climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating in a raft heading toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman in a raft, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Gymnasium

At the Gym the other day, an older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the Trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl over there.

Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Last 10 Cents

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three 10 cents coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the INLAND REVENUE..'

[worldangel]

Joke: Clock Shop

A Bloke is walking down the street & enters a Clock & Watch Shop.

While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous blonde female shop assistant behind the counter.

He walks up to her, unzips his pants, and places his cock on the counter.

'What the hell do you think you are doing'? She asks.

'This is a Clock shop not a cock shop!'

The Bloke replied: 'Yes I Know it is - I Want your two hands & face put on This!'

[worldangel]

Joke: On the beach

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.........

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and 1 girl..........

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do..............

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing...................

She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself...............

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course...................

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing..............

So...............

They buried her.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant Wife

Since the wife was eight months into her Pregnancy, the husband had to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, the wife glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him. "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... Don't think about it again" she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: ''She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....''

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch.. when she was pregnant and her husband came over here...I charged him only five hundred..."

The guy collapsed!!!

Think TWICE when your wife is over Generous..........

[clementi]

Joke: Male & Female Perspectives

Two Women were chatting in the house:

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another damn hour.

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Beer

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There`s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I`ve got the wife on American beer!"

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Poof! He’s gone …

There was a fat guy, a rich guy, and a gay guy walking down the road when out of no where, WHAM! They were hit by a drunk driver.

They go up to heaven and the heaven explains that it really isn't there time yet and agrees to let them go back to earth under one condition, they all have to give up the thing they love most.

So there back on earth walking down the street and the drunk driver never comes by. They then continue walking, happy to be granted a second chance, when they come across this restaurant with a huge bowl of spaghetti in the window and the fat guy runs in and immediately starts eating...POOF! He's gone...

The rich guy and the gay guy look at each other and say guess he couldn't give up the thing he loved most...

So as they continue walking down the road and the rich guy see's a quarter on the ground. He bends down to pick it up and POOF! The gay guy is gone...

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Hookers

Three hookers of varying ages were standing around, discussing their profession. The middle aged one said: "So, how's business?"

"Awful!" replied the young one. "All anybody wants is blow jobs!"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the mid-lifer. "It's easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more money that way."

"That's just the problem," exclaimed the young lady, "I can't get more than $20.00 for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?"

"Oh," she replied, shrugging, "that's nothing. When I started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!"

At this point the old hooker chimed in. "You kids have it so easy! Why, back in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we were glad to get something warm in our bellies, too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Miracle Spray

Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!"

Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him spend himself quicker than ever.

The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Going on a Date

Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?"

"Wear an old dress."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Inexperienced Man

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire Down Below

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Prize

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"

"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

[worldangel]

Joke: Waterbed Sex

Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.

When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea," he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.

[worldangel]

Joke: Gifts

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

"Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said.

"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."

The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.

"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.

"Of course," the woman replied.

"Then what about five more inches?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Taken for a Ride

Kay was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summer’s day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came James, riding a bicycle.

He stopped for Kay. "Come on," he said. "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of James.

James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said James. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girl’s bike?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom Sizing

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.

"Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many?"

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Hookers at Work

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night," says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

[worldangel]

Joke: Making Biscuits

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Palm Reader

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stutterer

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I

s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d

s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,

h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Day Camping

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Drinks

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay, but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strip Joint

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby.. mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic Mushrooms

This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with my sex life!"

Doctor: "What do you mean?"

Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."

Doctor: "Look out the window then."

Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"

Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"

The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.

The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret it."

The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms, with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.

She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."

The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.

That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for himself.

So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with her basket.

She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Maid

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband says so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.

Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says.

Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'

[worldangel]

Joke: A Second Chance

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fatherly Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: He finally scored

Paul and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.

"Man this weekend was the best!" Paul says. "I finally scored."

Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."

"How so?"

"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"

"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

[worldangel]

Joke: Artificial Parts

A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bullshit!" replied the husband. "There are some things you can't make. Besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching pxxno videos for years!"

[Blissfull]

A blonde joke:

One day, a brunette and a blonde wanted to start a farm. Together, they managed to come up with $100.

They both decided to get a bull but one of them had buy the bull in the next town. The brunette decided to get it, afraid that the blonde might screws up.

The bull cost $99. So, the brunette does not have enough money to take the train home.

She went to the telegram office and asked them to send a letter to the blonde - to ask her to get them back.

However, every word sent on the telegram cost one dollar.

So the telegram officer asked her, "What word are you going to send?"

The brunette thought for a while and said, "Comfortable."

"Why?" asked the telegram officer, wondered at the meaning of the word.

"Because my friend reads slow." the brunette answered.

...

...

...

...

Back at home, the blonde was reading the telegram, "Come-for-the-bull."

Edited October 6, 2011 by Impere