Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I wanted to find out ......

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Alzheimer or AIDS?

Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?"

Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fxxk her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Generation Prostitutes

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"My goodness" said the Grandmother.

"In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Theraphy

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Atheist

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[worldangel]

Joke: Egg

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard.

Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys.

But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

[worldangel]

Joke: The lone survivor

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane.

The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked.

He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive."

The leader of the rescue team says, "But my goodness, man... your plane only went down yesterday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Let’s see ....

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"

The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."

The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in.

"Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Racing Car Driver

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman.

"In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

[Guest Marad44]

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed! some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Marad44

[clementi]

Joke: Climax Eight Times

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[clementi]

Joke: A Liar

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

[clementi]

Joke: First Come, First Serve

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a big city restaurant and notices that the three foreign businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the tourists says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

[Guest Guest]

Good jokes, tks for sharing and brightening my day

[worldangel]

Joke: Business Trip

Jon left for a two day business trip to other city. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Married

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what the hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

[Guest Marad44]

Gay guy calls gay guy.

"Your boyfriend is chasing after young guys"

"And so? Dogs chase after cars. When they catch them, do they drive them?"

[worldangel]

Lesbian Joke: Horny Lesbian

Two lesbians were walking down the street one-day.

They soon spotted a beautiful woman on the other side of the road. "Ooh, look at that beautiful woman, I'd like to give her one" said the first.

"Unh, Unh" mumbled the other.

It continued like that; anytime they passed a gorgeous woman and the first one would wax lyrical about her, the other would just mumble, "Unh, Unh Uhh...".

When they got to the bar, the first lesbian turned to the other, "Hey, what's with all the mumbling back there when we came across all those beautiful women?"

"I'm sorry ...," said the second lesbian "... my tongue got hard!!!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Hell

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer—no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares?!?!?!

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No…

Satan: Ooooh…You’re gonna HATE Fridays

[worldangel]

Joke: 99 Condoms

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.

When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! fxxk me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if hewould like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper.

"Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fxxking STARVING!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Young Doctor

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Haemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.

The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.

So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nudist Colony

Farmer Rod lived on a quiet rural highway near the town.

But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer Rod called the local police station and said, "You've got to do something about all of those people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

"What do you want us to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the road workers go out to erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer Rod called the policeman and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'School Crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So, again, the policeman sent out the roads workers, and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer Rod called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no good at all...can I put up my own sign?"

The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."

He was willing to let Farmer Rod do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer Rod.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman and he decided to give Farmer Rod a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did," replied Farmer Rod, "and not one chicken has been killed since then.

I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign.

It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So he drove out to Farmer Rod's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

It was spray painted on a sheet of wood... NUDIST COLONY. Go slow and watch out for chicks!

[clementi]

Joke: AIDS

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"

He replies, "No."

She responds, "Oh, thank fxxk for that! I don't want to get that again!"

[clementi]

Joke: Operation

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large.

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[clementi]

Joke: Cow and Pig

A rich man who once asked, "Why does everybody call me stingy when everyone knows that when I die I will leave everything I have to this charity organisation?"

The friend said:

"There once was a pig and a cow. The pig was unpopular and the cow was loved by all in the village. This puzzled the pig.

The pig said to the cow: 'People speak warmly of your good nature and your helpful attitude. They think you are very generous because each day you give them milk, butter and cheese. But how about me? I give them everything I have. I give them the famous sausages, bacon and ham i.e. my entire body.

Yet no one likes me. Why is that?'

The friend continued: "Do you know what the cow answered?

The cow said, 'Perhaps it is because I give while I am still living.'

LOVE PASSIONATELY. GIVE GENEROUSLY.

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing Weight

A 700 pound man walks into a doctor's office. This doctor is known for his unusual but effective methods. The man says, "Doctor you must help me. I have tried everything. I just cannot lose this weight."

The doctor hesitates for a minute. He finally looks up and says, "The only thing I can do is to sew your mouth shut and teach you to eat from your butt."

The man agrees. He returns one week later to have the procedure. Six months pass and the patient returns to have the stitches out.

The doctor says, "Now return to me in 1 month for a post-op checkup."

The patient agrees and loses an astonishing 180 pounds. One month later, the patient returns for his post-op checkup. As the patient sits down in the chair, the doctor notices the man is twitching his butt up and down. He lets it go and continues his examination. After one hour of watching this man twitch his butt, the doctor can't take it anymore.

He finally says, "Mr. Robertson. I have concluded that you have a nervous tick in your butt as a result of your operation."

The man thinks, laughs out loud and says, "Doc, that ain't no twitch. I'm chewing gum. Wanna see me blow a bubble?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to the Bathroom

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!

Teacher: "What about you Peter? How would you say it?"

Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper. "

The teacher fainted!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc, you gotta help me

Man goes to the doctor: Doc you GOTTA help me!

Doctor: What's wrong?

Man: Well, every morning my wife wakes me up with a blowjob, then i'll usually bang her before i leave for work.

Once at work, during the morning break, I always meet one of the interns in the copy room and we do it over the photocopy machine.

Then at lunch, I take my secretary to a hotel, and we screw for about an hour and a half.

During the afternoon break, it's back to the copy room, but with the receptionist, and she likes it up the ass.

Then when I get home, my wife greets me with a nice massage and handjob.

After dinner, we'll screw a couple of times before going to sleep.

Then it starts all over the next day.

Doctor: So what's the problem?

Man: It hurts when I jerk off.

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom Confusion

A gentleman, just married, goes into the drug store and because he is so distinguished is served by the manager who asks what he requires and says he needs some condoms.

The manager efficiently ushers him to the off shelf roundabout, with every type of condom known to mankind.

The customer is very interested in the coloured ribbed variety, which is strongly recommended, and orders 24 of each colour, red orange, green, blue, black, yellow and purple, pays by credit card, thanking the manager for his excellent assistance.

Some 8 months later the same Customer appears again in the Drugstore and again the manager espies him and offers help once more. The customer says he is looking for a maternity bra, for his wife.

Again the manager ushers him to the bra roundabout with a full selection, and inquires "what bust", to which the Customer replies "I think it was the blue one"......

[worldangel]

Joke: A Doctor goes to hell

A doctor died and went to Hell. He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan. After 4 hours Satan finally appeared.

The doctor was incensed. Poking his watch he said, "How could you keep me waiting so long!! I am an important man! I'm a doctor!"

Satan replied, "Doctors are a dime a dozen here in Hell. But I'll tell you what. Since you had to wait so long, I will give you a choice of which part of Hell you will spend eternity in."

Satan took the doctor down a hall and said, "Here. I'll be back shortly. You can choose between door #1 and door #2. I'll be back and you can let me know where you want to be assigned."

The doctor opened door #1. Inside was an Intensive Care Unit. Blood was spurting, alarms were going off and patients were coding. A man in the corner extubated himself as a woman in the center fell out of bed. The doctor quickly shut the door and said, "My God, I really am in Hell. I'd better check door #2."

Behind door #2 was a Medical Records Department. Unfinished charts stretched for miles with notations about delinquent H&Ps. Message slips from Managed Care Case Managers filled a swimming pool sized bin, all marked Urgent. Inside, physicians were dictating as sweat poured off their brows. The doctor shut the door and said, "I don't know which one is worse."

Then he noticed another door off to the side. He opened it and inside was a tidy nurse's station. The nurses were all young and beautiful. There were busily making rounds with doctors and calling to obtain lab and x-ray results. They poured coffee and served donuts purchased with their own money. One doctor complained of a stiff neck and a nurse rubbed it for him.

"Now this is more like it," the doctor thought as he closed the door.

Satan came strolling back down the hall and said, "Well, which have you decided on, door #1 or door #2?"

The doctor replied, "Actually, I would like to go behind door #3."

"That's not an option," said Satan.

"But... that's what I want!" said the doctor.

Satan replied, "I'm sorry, but you can't go in there. That's Hell for nurses."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Maid

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.

He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."

He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Sunday afternoon he called his doctor again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said to use hot water."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Eye-Test

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"

Girl: "No."

Doctor: "Can you read the center line?"

Girl: "No."

Doctor: "Can you read the large top line?"

Girl: "No."

Doctor (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?"

Girl: "No."

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.

Doctor: "Can you see this?"

Girl: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Restroom

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Simple Solution

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a virgin bride. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Life

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks."

Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"

She says, "Once, and I saw rage."

Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"

The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

[worldangel]

Joke: Foreplay

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties.

She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Whorehouse

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Old Guys

Three old guys are sitting around complaining.

The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off."

The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast."

The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Whorehouse

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.

She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fxxk. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fxxks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?"

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fxxking a pigeon!"

[clementi]

Joke: Doorknob

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Joke: Senior Moment

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an 84 year old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 25 year old husband at home.

He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

Astonished I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She sobbed saying, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

Feeling a trifle jealous I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She replied "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

Now really peeved, I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[clementi]

Joke: Eat Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

[clementi]

Joke: Living Expenses

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

[clementi]

Joke: 6-Foot

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face -> PRICELESS

[clementi]

Joke: Age Issue

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old asked, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[worldangel]

Joke: 25 Years of Marriage

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[clementi]

Joke: Pregnant

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nurse Nancy

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to His office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. "Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get thing backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."

The doctor has barely finished His reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked. "To see Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill`s Boil!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tootbrush

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

[worldangel]

Joke: Join the Navy

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fxxking the barrel. It’s simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because it’s your turn in the barrel on Thursday."