Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: The Dentist (2)

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."

Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

[clementi]

Joke: 55

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

[clementi]

Joke: Contacts or glasses

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[clementi]

Joke: Where to park?

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"

"No," says the cop.

"What about all these other cars?"

"They didn't ask!"

[clementi]

Joke: An Accident

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere.

He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratch's out his spelling error.

"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

[worldangel]

Joke: Headache

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’

He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Revenge Is Sweet

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer in the Hell

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

[worldangel]

Joke: Headache

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’

He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

[clementi]

Joke: Leprechans

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.

"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"

"Well," says the Leprechan, "That's because I'm a Leprechan! ALL Leprechans have penises this size!"

The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."

"Well, what with me being a Leprechan and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"

"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"

Soon, the Leprechan is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechan,

"How old are you, son?"

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechan humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."

"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechans!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Brains

A client at a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here, we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?

None. He fell.

[Guest Marad44]

Joke: Leprechans... "Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechans!"

Heavens! Hahaha!

[clementi]

Joke:Newly wed couple

This newlywed couple were on the honeymoon and where about to have sex:

Wife: before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

Husband: we're married now, you can tell me anything.

Wife: I'm flat-chested.

Husband: I don't believe you..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

Husband: Holy shit I’ve never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell you too.

Wife: we're married now you can tell me anything.

Husband: I’m "weighed like a baby".

Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

Wife: I thought you said you were weighed like a baby?!

[clementi]

Joke: Lawyer’s Dog

A lawyer's dog, running unleashed for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

[clementi]

Joke: The Modest Man

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[clementi]

Joke: Change My Mind

A young couple go for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

[clementi]

Joke: Half-time, Switch sides

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[clementi]

Joke: Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

[clementi]

Joke: Husband & Wife's Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Latest Technology

A man enters an adult shop for the very first time on his way home from work one afternoon. He sheepishly flicks through a couple of dirty magazines, looks at the chains, leathers and rubber dolls hanging from the ceiling and casually checks out the items on display in the counter.

Suddenly, he's greeted by a "Good afternoon, Sir and how can I help you."

The man points at this huge item in the counter and asks what it is. The salesman replies "That's the latest technology sir, a vibrating vagina."

"How much is it?" the man asks.

"$150" the salesman replies.

And with that, the man pulls out his wallet, pays the salesman the money and leaves with his vibrating vagina. When he arrives home, his wife is in the kitchen cooking their evening meal. The man walks in, places the box on the kitchen table, pulls the vibrating vagina out of the box and places it on the table.

His wife looks at it curiously and says "Well, what's that then?"

"It's the latest technology, a vibrating vagina." the man replies.

"Well, what do you want me to do with?" his wife asks.

"TEACH IT HOW TO COOK AND fxxk OFF"

[worldangel]

Joke: About to tie the knot

A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.

"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Modest Man

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Men Do Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released from JAIL today. '

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiccups

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cruise Holiday

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been cancelled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[worldangel]

Joke: Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shake Well

A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot.

The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman what's the matter.

She replies "I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".

[clementi]

Joke: Railroad Tie

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom.

They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge.

After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well.

"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"

[Guest Guest]

[worldangel]

Joke: Punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

[Guest Guest]

In Taiwan, it seems like their appreciative standards for beauty have dropped... ...not a little... ...but a lot!

Miss WU taunted: They tried to RAPE ME!!!

My friend's reaction was:

Mr Chow said: "Why don't you end my life, Kill me with a Gun NOW!"

[Guest Guest]

I feel bad for exposing her ;-p

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[Guest Guest]

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like Dad

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

[babooshame07]

[worldangel]

Joke: Topical Cream

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.

Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."

[worldangel]

Joke: Manhattan

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly guy. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible"

"Of course it was. Just wait ‘til you try one of my blowjobs."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."

"You see that building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12-storey building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best. Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan.

[worldangel]

Joke: New Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[worldangel]

Joke: PW not long enough

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P... E... N.... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bending Drunk

Two old drunks in a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Quickie Please

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tootbrush

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny.

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, “It is dog shit.

Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.

[worldangel]

Joke: Making Babies

One day a young teenager was in his room jacking off when his father came into the room and caught him. He said "Son, I don’t want to ever catch you doing that again, that will cause babies”

The next day the teenager was so bothered that he could not stand it, so he went behind the house to relieve himself, as he did, he shot his load on the ground and covered it with a rock.

The next day he thought to himself that no one caught him so he will go do it again. When he got there he seen the rock and looked up under it and saw a lizard. He picked up the lizard looked at it carefully and said "You are an ugly little thing but daddy still loves you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mum and Daughter

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married.

Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear."

The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?" "Jewellery, dear."