Laughter Is The Best Medicine!

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Comment: LupCheong

Posted: February 15, 2008 12:16 am

World Famous City's Arch biggrin.gif

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Comment: LupCheong

Posted: February 19, 2008 12:47 pm

In a bid to stem a widening sex scandal in the Chinese diaspora, Hong Kong superstar Edison Chen is now suing ISPs in various countries to release the names of people who have been downloading steamy photos of him shagging Cecilia Cheung, Bobo Chan and Gillian Chung, amongst others.

He has especially high hopes in Singapore after the High Court recently ordered PacNet to reveal the names of illegal anime downloaders.

“Getting the police in is one thing,” said Mr. Hum Sup Loh, a spokesman for Edison Chen. “But arrests won’t compensate Edison for all the damage he has suffered because he’s being dropped from films, etc. This way he can get some money back.”

Mr. Hum said that he is very pleased with the Singapore legal system. “The Odex case really proves that Singapore is willing to help big rich guys crack down on small timers who are affecting their business.”

Naturally, downloaders are irate. Said Mr. See Bak Chiam, a polytechnic student who has seen the photos, “If Edison Chen didn’t want this scandal, then dun take the photos in the first place, lor! How can you expect Singaporeans not to want to see banned things? You got see all the ‘approved’ shit on MediaCock not?”

Just like in the Odex case, downloaders are starting to get organized in response to Edison Chen’s lawsuit.

“I’m going to my MP’s Meet the People session tonight,” said Mr. Pak Chew Cheng, 28. “I want to persuade him that viewing such photos are actually beneficial for the country, since they may help to stimulate population growth.”

Mr. Ho Say Leow, Mr. Pak’s MP in Hong Kan GRC, said that he looks forward to “reviewing and scrutinizing the evidence.”

Elsewhere in the world, Hong Kong film fans are shocked by what they’ve seen in the photos. “I thought people like Edison Chen and Gillian Chung were all rich,” said Ms. Horpao Tan. “So how come their furniture and decorations in the photos all look so obiang and cheapo? I’m so shocked!”

(Taken from www.talkingcock.com)

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Comment: LupCheong

Posted: February 25, 2008 01:28 pm

Bid Won, Singapore Proposes Tweaks to Youth Olympic Games

After winning the bid to host the inaugural Youth Olympics, Singapore is now proposing some uniquely Singaporean tweaks to the games and events themselves.

OPENING CEREMONY

A runner bearing the Olympic Flame will enter the new National Stadium and ignite a cauldron fueled by hot air collected from Parliament House.

THE EVENTS

Note: In previous Olympics, Singaporeans have not been particularly successful at winning gold medals. In order to redress the balance, certain events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes:

TRACK EVENTS

All track events will have two tracks: a fast track for elite contestants, and another for the rest.

100 METRES SPRINT

To serve as an incentive to participants, limited edition collectible Hello Kitty dolls will be placed at the finish line.

200 METRES TRACK

The track has been reconfigured in line with Singaporean custom. Competitors must now run towards a tree 100 metres away, touch it, and then run back to the finish line as several seasoned military personnel encourage them with traditional greetings such as “Neh’mine! Take your time!”, “Bleddy gu niang!” and “Granfudder army, is it?”

HAMMER

The hammer will be abolished, to be replaced by ‘the Lightning’.

WEIGHTLIFTING

From a kneeling position, competitors must carry their bosses’ private parts.

ARCHERY

Competitors must fire unpleasant and tedious tasks at moving targets consisting of people shouting, “Siam ah!”, “Arrow lai leow!” and “Take cover!”

EQUESTRIAN

Competitors will also be judged by how much money they made from their bookies.

POLE VAULT

In Singapore, competitors will not need to vault. Instead they will be judged by how fast they can string laundry onto their poles, then hang them out of a regular HDB flat window.

BMX CYCLING

Bikes will be fitted with IU readers, and contestants will have to pedal a course under multiple ERP gantries. The contestant who chalks up the most ERP charges in the specified time wins.

SWIMMING

All pools must be filled with NEWater.

BEACH WRESTLING

This new event will be sponsored by the Yangtze Cinema Regulars Association, in exchange for special ringside seats for members.

CLOSING CEREMONY

Everyone will be treated to a speech by the Prem Binister congratulating everyone, about what a great achievement the Youth Olympics is, about the importance of sportsmanship and health, how he hopes contestants will bring their families back to visit Singapore for a holiday, and hopefully relocate here permanently. Then there will be some singing by some imported big music stars from overseas, backed up by some of our officially approved musicians, we donno, Kit Chan lah, Stefanie Sun lah, Taufik lah, maybe some second stringers from MediaCock lah, a music video from Royston Tan lah, then some fireworks, maybe a foam party, then the State’s Times will say a lot of nice things to say the next day… and the ceremony will only really end after the organizers get National Day Awards. Dun say we neh say.

(Taken from www.talkingcock.com)

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Comment: LupCheong

Posted: February 29, 2008 12:48 pm

The Elderly

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and

said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a

hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

[LupCheong]

City Of Lights

BRAZIL

DENVER

PETERSBURG

PARIS

NIAGARA FALLS

CLEVELAND

LAS VEGAS

Edited March 5, 2008 by LupCheong

[LupCheong]

LOS ANGELES

LONDON

MOSCOW

SINGAPORE

VIENNA

INDIA

[LupCheong]

COMING SOON TO YOUR TV SCREENS : OUR VERY OWN VERSION OF THE VASTLY POPULAR " PRISON BREAK " SERIES

The Inspiration

The Prop

The Outcome

[Red Be@n Soup]

Hilaroscopes

The FUNNY HOROSCOPE that reveals the light (or dark) side of your personality

Aries

Character

Aries are courageous and enjoy taking risks. The greater the risk, the quicker an Aries would take it. Many Aries die the extremely silly sort of deaths that rescue service personnel like to joke about at parties. If you want to get rid of an Aries, simply challenge him to hop across the nearest motorway at rush hour.

Aries are terrible losers and will desperately fight to the end. For an Aries, it's ‘do or die'. If you play a game of poker against an Aries you can expect to get his house… or give him yours. A few Aries actually make good money selling real estate. The rest spend their time sulking under bridges in cardboard boxes.

Their competitive nature makes Aries great athletes. However, the lucky ones soon get suspended for aggressive play. The unlucky ones suffer multiple injuries and end up as cripples. Either way, once their sports career is over, Aries turn to Russian roulette for their regular adrenaline fix, though many die trying to beat the solitaire version.

It is difficult to accurately describe an Aries without using the words ‘arrogant' and ‘intolerant'. That is, unless you use words such as ‘presumptuous', ‘conceited', ‘bigoted', ‘prejudiced', or ‘prick'. 92% of people surveyed would rather have a tooth extracted by a gorilla than share a bus seat with an Aries. The other 8% were Aries themselves.

Love

Aries can approach a person of the opposite sex with a confidence that very few can muster. They are never afraid to make a move – or a total fool of themselves for that matter. A closer look will reveal that they are hopelessly drunk. Aries generally do score quite a few romantic successes (with other hopeless drunks) – and about fifty times as many rejections.

Money

Aries are financially unstable and may have loads of money one moment and absolutely none at all the next. They are every banker's nightmare and are automatically disqualified from getting a loan. Eventually, they reach a point where they are forced to make a living from what they do best - making terribly stupid, death-defying (at least occasionally) reality-TV videos.

Future

Aries are confused, unpredictable and generally blurry. So is their future.

In fact, nobody can predict the future of an Aries - not even cosmologists, who are capable of proposing theories about very distant future things, such as how the universe will end. If anyone claims to be able to tell an Aries' future, they're definitely lying. Saying that something terribly tragic will happen one day doesn't count as predicting an Aries' future. Everyone knows that.

Famous Aries

Vincent Van Gogh, Marlon Brando, Charles Chaplin

Ideal jobs

Aries will make excellent athletes.

Taurus

Character

Taurus are as patient and relaxed as they are stubborn and possessive. All Taurus are born with dual personalities and giving birth to a Taurus child is almost like having twins - without the government benefits.

A Taurus is never in any hurry at all. He is the sort of person who can only manage one or two licks at an ice cream before it falls off the cone and splatters dramatically onto the floor.

Taurus spend an extraordinary amount of money on plane tickets but almost always arrive late for their flights. These paid, unclaimed seats are the secret behind low-cost airlines that can fly you half way around the world for the price of a cholesterol-packed fast food meal. Low-cost airlines don't offer free meals because Taurus are not quite stupid enough to pay for them.

Taurus are the definition of stubborn. Once a thought gets into a Taurus' head, it never ever gets out again. Actually, it's very hard to get anything into a Taurus' head in the first place! Many Taurus suffer horrible migraines caused by a build-up of spontaneous ideas that suddenly materialise and never go away. They are also very prone to have nosebleeds. Some nosebleeds are caused by this build-up of ideas. Most are caused by irritated people.

Taurus make great dictators (in other words they make some of the most horribly atrocious dictators imaginable). One sure sign that a Taurus is becoming a dictator is that even their typical patience has packed its bags and gone on retirement. Another, even more definite, sign is that they keep talking extremely slowly and expect everyone to take notes.

Love

Taurus might be hard to put up with, but as far as loving them is concerned, they're more or less the human equivalent of broccoli. To make matters worse, they are very, very jealous and become paranoid extremely easily. Even the slightest incident, such as asking them for the TV remote, can make a Taurus a severely doubt your love. The good thing is that they forgive and forget and arguments don't usually last longer than the commercial break.

All in all, lovers of Taurus ought to consider themselves very lucky indeed. Or rather, lovers of Taurus should consider themselves extremely lucky if they don't go totally insane.

Money

Taurus are very stingy and don't spend much on anything (apart from airplane tickets). Many live almost exclusively on a diet of white rice, except for some toast and jam at Christmas. Don't give a Taurus any money on his birthday - he'll probably never use it.

Future

In a sense the future belongs to Taurus because they often get their way in the end, not by being persuasive, but by patiently waiting long enough and generally being a pain. And in a sense it doesn't, because death is in much less of a hurry and always wins the waiting game eventually.

A Taurus will probably save up a considerable amount of money over the years. Inflation will see to it that this money will be worthless whenever it's most needed. Taurus are also very likely to die of malnutrition or to be killed in a botched burglary.

Famous Taurus

Adolf Hitler, Nicolai Lenin, Sigmund Freud, Eva Peron (Evita)

Ideal jobs

Taurus tend to make good dictators, megalomaniacs and, believe it or not, shepherds.

Gemini

Character

Avoid Gemini at all costs if you're in a hurry. They are very talkative and can chat about the weather for hours on end without even having to stop to go to the bathroom. Gemini make excellent company at a party, provided you're quite drunk and not looking for meaningful conversation. The biggest problem is getting them to shut up and go home at 6 a.m., when it's time for work. This can be usually achieved by a hefty punch in the nose.

Gemini are incredibly curious. Once they get a mental itch, they just can't help scratching it sore. A Gemini is just the type of person you could expect to ask a girl what colour her underwear is – or if she's wearing any – only 5 minutes into a conversation. Gemini generally come across as impertinent idiots... because that's just what they are. Another thing they are is slapped across the face incredibly often.

Gemini are expressive people who have enormous difficulty hiding their thoughts. This is not to be confused with honesty, but is actually caused by a total lack of voluntary facial muscle control. Gemini cannot avoid making a horrible face if they don't like your hair, your shoes or your cooking. They are rarely invited to dinner a second time.

Discipline and order are what Gemini hate most. They are as topsy-turvy as a flea market after a whirlwind. This may not be apparent right away, and you can only appreciate the full extent of the mess that Gemini love by visiting their house. Prepare for the shock of your life! Keeping in mind that there was no Police tape blocking the door and that it's not a crime scene you're visiting may help you hold on to your sanity.

Love

Gemini are narcissistic and love nothing more than themselves. They are also very vain and often arrive incredibly late for a date. Beware of their usual excuse that they ran out of Fiber Creme pomade at the last moment.

The secret of a rewarding relationship with a Gemini is to keep them away from mirrors - and all reflecting objects (including toilet bowl water). Gemini can be very passionate and thoroughly enjoy pleasing their lovers… once they actually notice them that is.

Money

Gemini spend most of their money on the sort of beauty products that cost a couple of weeks' wages. Still, they know how to make what little they have left go a long way. Gemini are the sort of people who scour the jumble sales looking for second-hand GameBoy cartridges whenever they have to buy a gift. They also think duct tape and string are a cheap, but viable alternative to AA breakdown cover.

Luckily for them, they have not been proven wrong.

Future

Gemini lead pretty boring, mundane lives.

However, it is in every Gemini's destiny to one day discover something that will change their life forever. It could be a terrible family secret, a hidden talent, or simply the convenience of frozen pizza. The good news is that Gemini are well adapted to change. No matter what comes along, they will learn to live with it, make the best of it, or even pop it into the microwave on Low Mix/Bake for about 15 minutes.

Famous Gemini

Marilyn Monroe, Johnny Depp, Salman Rushdie

Ideal jobs

Gemini would make good comedians, private investigators and hairdressers.

Cancer

Character

Cancers are sensitive and sympathetic, always ready to listen and to help and are very well liked by all – for about 15 minutes. If there is one thing that Cancers are particularly bad at, it is disguising the scheming, manipulative, self-interested intentions behind their every action. And because nobody likes egotistical jerks, nobody likes Cancers.

Cancers are incredibly fond of gullible people. These are the only sort of friends they can hold on to for any significant length of time. And of course, gullible people like Cancers back, because gullible people will like just about anything you would want them to.

One thing that Cancers find extremely handy is their sharp intuition. A cancer will always realise when the game is up and his friends are about to ditch him and he will always make it a point to do it first. In such a case, you can expect silly excuses like, “I've got to stay in and train my hamster for the pet karaoke championships”, or “My boss needs me to work overtime this month… did I say 18 hours a day?”

Cancers are very traditional, which is to say they are quite simply out of touch with the modern world. They are the sort of people who don't use e-mail because they can't figure out where to put the stamps. Cancers believe that the term e-book refers to the fifth volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and many of them wear surgical gloves at the computer, to minimise the risks of catching a virus from the mouse.

Love

As far as love is concerned, Cancers are the very stuff soap opera screenwriters dream of. In other words, they are ruthless, vengeful, backstabbers who hardly ever venture outdoors. They spend most of their time cheating on their partners at the office, in hospital wards and even at home. One really distinguishing characteristic is that they love to turn even the least argument into a horrible shouting match. Estate agents won't admit it, but having a Cancer living within 200m automatically devalues a property by 25% and selling out to a Cancer is a sure-fire way of getting back at the neighbours.

A lot of Cancers are divorced. Many others are poisoned.

Money

Cancers are obsessed with money, but are far from financially wise. They are always falling for get-rich-quick schemes that are obvious rip-offs to everyone else. Cancers distrust credit cards and so they usually carry considerable amounts of cash, making them ideal targets for muggers. Astrologers are fond of the saying, “A Cancer and his money are soon parted.”

Future

Passion and intrigue await the Cancer-born, but the initial glamour will soon give way to record stress levels and inevitable heart disease. Cancers are destined to wander from one mess to another, scavenging for an elusive happiness but acquiring little more than the chronic bad breath and a dreadful, all-pervading, chain-smoking smell. Whatever money they manage to save up will soon find itself in the pockets of air-freshener and deodorant companies.

Famous Cancers

King Henry VIII, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson

Ideal jobs

Cancers would be most comfortable being lawyers, politicians or mafia gangsters - not much of a choice really.

Leo

Character

Leos are proud and pretentious and will take advantage of every opportunity to brag about the silliest of things – from the six cans of baked beans they bought for a pound from the supermarket's bargain section, to the amorous exploits of their great-aunt's pet Chihuahua . Some Leos will even brag about being the best bragger in town.

Ask a Leo how he spent his weekend, and you're in for a long afternoon of listening to tales so tall that they could scare the bejeebies out of a kickboxing giraffe. One of the stories might actually be about the heroic capture of a group of kickboxing giraffes that escaped from an obscure Romanian circus together with other animals, and about the hop-scotching elephants and lion-taming cockroaches that still remain at large. Most of what Leos will tell you, however, will be about hot dates, cool bike stunts and meetings with celebrities, and will be infinitely much harder to believe.

It's no secret that Leos are highly creative and have a vivid imagination. What few know, however, is that this really means that they spend most of their lives in a dream fantasy world inhabited by a little green goblin called Pinkie.

Leos can be cruel, and while ‘cruel' can be many things, Leos have unsurprisingly mastered all of them. There are the cruel-for-fun Leos who delight in roasting insects with magnifying lenses. There are the intellectually-cruel Leos – the sort of people who decided that the word ‘lisp' should have the letter ‘s' in it. And then there are the cruel-to-be-kind Leos who believe that a good rap across the rear every now and then saves children from becoming serial killers when they grow up. These are by far the worst of the lot and are the sort of people who would make delicious oil-soaked doughnuts illegal given half the chance.

Love

Great amorous adventures at incredibly wild parties await Leos on the horizon – and will remain there indefinitely. In reality, Leos should be extremely grateful if they actually manage a one-night-stand here and there, and are strongly advised to get rid of their partner before becoming sober again. Leos will find that chewing some mint-flavoured gum will enhance their lover's experience – or at least result in fewer complaints of bad breath.

Money

Their knack for making money out of nothing is what distinguishes Leos from most other entrepreneurs. They are also great at embracing new technology, such as the Internet, and making the best of it in their business ventures. You will therefore find many Leos selling burnt toast on eBay. Buyers should beware of the numerous imitations that are now flooding the market, and that may soon force Leos to search for new, innovative products (such as used teabags, mismatched socks or bottled highland mountain air).

Future

Leos are born optimists. They never worry about the future, and the future doesn't give a hoot about them either. Leos always have a silly smirk on their face that reveals their happy-go-lucky nature and will eventually make everyone hate their guts.

Leos really have it coming! One day they will find themselves in a horrible misadventure that is incredibly stranger (and infinitely more amusing) than any silly story they ever told. The saddest thing is that they will be certified crazy, bound in a straight jacket and removed from society as soon as they actually get to talk about it.

Famous Leos

Aldous Huxley, Alfred Hitchcock, Monica Lewinsky

Ideal jobs

Leos are best suited to become fiction writers, door-to-door salespeople or abattoir workers.

Virgo

Character

Many people closely associate Virgos with virgins. This is not entirely correct. While the word ‘virgin' means pure and chaste, Virgos are demanding, critical and picky … and, (probably because of this) for the most part, pure and chaste.

Even the smallest decision is enough to give a Virgo a headache. Their most common late-for-work excuse is, “I was trying to figure out my right sock from my left and lost track of time.” It goes without saying that Virgos rely on their mums to shop for their clothes. It also goes without saying that Virgos' bosses are not usually amused by such poor excuses. And yet another thing that goes without saying it that there is absolutely no point in mentioning things that go without…

Back to Virgos! Virgos can be incredibly methodical, although more accurate words would be ‘repetitive', ‘predictable' and ‘mind-bogglingly boring'. They are usually the sort of people whom you can easily set your watch by. Virgos have been known to suffer severe depression because of something as trivial as a change in the local bus timetable.

Virgos have a reputation for being incredibly humane, which incidentally is not stuck up French for ‘human', but simply means that they don't eat chicken and think that convicted criminals would be traumatised if they didn't have satellite TV in their cells.

Love

Virgos are convinced deep down that their ideal soul mate is somewhere out there. What few of them actually realise is that ‘out there' is actually quite larger than the average back yard and can be notoriously difficult to search – even with modern satellite technology.

Eventually Virgos become convinced (usually by their mothers) to hire the services of a dating agency in order to find an ‘appropriate match'. The most common adverts read something like: ‘Virgo, 44, non-smoker. Seeks first love.'

Money

Virgos are money magnets of a kind. They have a weird tendency to find money in the most unlikely places, such as wedged behind the cistern in public toilets or stuck to the bottom of their shoe with chewing gum after a jog in the park. The main problem is that their booty mostly happens to come in obscure currencies like Bourodian Jippets, Pogalese Kilants or Suterian Flamps that not even the high street banks have ever heard of. Not that it really matters because they would probably need a whole briefcase full to make up 20p's worth.

As far as most Virgos are concerned they'd be much happier coming across a more or less serviceable copy of last week's News of the World (preferably not stuck to their shoe with anything).

Future

Virgo's future is not quite as uneventful as it is eventless. Fast-food dinners for one don't quite fit into the category of events. Long nights munching crisps in front of movie reruns are definitely not events. And Saturdays spent home alone listening to old rock albums at full volume only manage to make it into the realm of ‘minor incidents' at around 10:30 p.m. when the police finally pop round investigate the neighbours' complaints. That's life for a Virgo, though most admit that it could be worse.

Famous Virgos

Mother Theresa, Agatha Christie, Stephen King

Ideal jobs

Virgos would make perfect assembly line personnel, choir singers, and rat catchers.

Libra

Character

Libras are friends of the Planet and enemies of practically anyone of any importance. They are usually very artistic people, which explains why they often have such great difficulty making themselves understood.

Libras long deep down to be united with nature and many come literally within inches of achieving their dream. They are prone to a dangerous combination of conviction and failure to recognise imminent mortal danger. Because of this, environmental groups always make sure to include at least one non-Libran among their protestors to snatch away the rest before a bulldozer makes them all one with the forest they are trying to protect.

Libras are very peaceful and try to avoid confrontation at all costs. Pick an argument with a Libra and you'll probably be given a rose the next day – in a pot, of course.

If you ask a Libra who his best buddy is, the most probable reply is going to be a tree, a scruffy one-eyed dog, or a goldfish named Elton.

Libras may seem to be all goodie goodie, but the other side of the coin is a rusty one indeed. They will let you down when you least expect it, and are bound to desert you when you need them most. Ask a Libra to help you move house and you can be sure that they will have to spend the weekend with Grandma who was suddenly taken ill'. Strange coincidence! Especially since you clearly remember attending the very same Grandma's funeral the year before.

Nothing could be worse than a disloyal friend. But critical and judgemental do come pretty close, and a Libra is all of that! Your lover, your house, your new clothes, even your mum's pet poodle's haircut! Libras always have an opinion to voice, and voicing it is what they enjoy most in life. The trouble is that they are so indecisive that you'll go crazy if you ever try to live up to their expectations.

Love

As far as Libras are concerned, love is all you need. If it's free love, so much the better! While Libras are perfectly capable of falling in love with just about anything that's living or natural, their ideal partner is, of course, another Libra. Who else would ever put up with a 12-weekend Save-The-Tadpoles campaign?

Money

Money is of little importance to a Libra. This is because you cannot buy any love with money – not true love anyway. Libras tend to use up most of their money purchasing little bits of rainforest to give as presents. This practice becomes very irritating after a couple of birthdays, and probably even beats disloyalty as the main reason why Libras have very few friends.

Future

The sad truth is that the Earth's natural spaces are gradually being destroyed. This is particularly bad news for Libras, who are increasingly finding themselves out of a job with precious little left to protect. In fact it is expected that by the year 2030, around 80% of Libras will be on the dole.

This is likely to result in a surge in all aspects of art: especially film and music as Libras look to divert their energies elsewhere. The upside is cheaper cinema tickets for all, as supply outstrips demand. The downside: higher taxes.

Libras should beware of anyone reading ‘The Catcher in the Rye '. They're probably out to kill you.

Famous Libras

John Lennon, Mahatma Ghandi, Bob Geldof, Brigitte Bardot

Ideal jobs

Libras will make excellent plant psychologists, waste recycling engineers, movie critics or nudist beach lifeguards.

Scorpio

Character

Scorpios are not to be trusted - definitely not with money. Send a Scorpio to buy something as trivial as the morning paper and he'll claim that the coins fell into the gutter, or that he gave them to a little old lady in dire need. The new packet of cigarettes bulging out of his back pocket is a dead giveaway though. The thing is that while Scorpios are extremely shrewd, they can be hopelessly careless and often forget to hide their sting.

Luckily for them, charm is one trait Scorpios have plenty of. Scorpios ooze charm so thick that you could scrape it off and give it to Grandma to use as denture adhesive. This is the secret of their success (not to mention survival). No matter how blatantly obvious Scorpios' malicious intentions may appear at times, they can talk themselves out of practically any situation. Anyone who remains with their partner in spite of catching them cheating red handed for the 10 th time, is most definitely dating a Scorpio!

Scorpio politicians are essential to any political party. Their power of subtle persuasion is the only reason why a government can last more than a week in power without being lynched. If you've ever been completely ripped off, it surely was not a Scorpio. With a Scorpio, you'd never notice!

Scorpios define a friend as anyone who can be used to their own advantage. Friends define Scorpios as someone to be wary of. While it may seem that Scorpios do have many friends, the company they keep is actually constantly changing. If you belong to a Scorpio's inner circle, be on your guard!

You never know when the axe will fall.

Scorpios are very suspicious of everyone around them. Clinically paranoid is a better description in most cases. Their greatest fear is of being murdered. Their greatest unfounded fear is of choking on a sugar-coated peanut.

Love

Scorpios are very passionate by nature, but also very selfish in love. Fail to please a Scorpio and you will be dumped in the middle of the night. When a Scorpio gives a gift, he's expecting 10 times back in return – plus interest. So if it's a diamond ring or a trip to Hawaii , refuse it immediately.

A Scorpio's becomes particularly suspicious when love is involved. Get back 10 minutes late from walking the dog, and prepare for a full spotlight interrogation of why, where, when and how, but especially whom with. One way of avoiding this is to be really nice, loving and reassuring when you return. An even better way is not to date a Scorpio.

Scorpios think their ideal partner is anyone extraordinarily rich and astoundingly sexy. Nobody's ideal partner is a Scorpio.

Money

Money is a high priority for Scorpios, but not quite essential since they can use their charm to obtain almost anything they want. Scorpios don't usually shop online because current technology is not able to transmit charm in digital form.

Future

Power! Wealth! Maybe even fame! Such is what lies in store for any Scorpio who lives up to their name. And they will need plenty of all that because it takes a lot of distraction to repress the feeling of utter loneliness.

Scorpios make many enemies and have to be extremely careful not to ever let down their guard. Many Scorpios who do not choke on sugar-coated peanuts are murdered by their so-called friends or jilted lovers.

Famous Scorpios

Prince Charles, Theodore Roosevelt, Bill Gates

Ideal jobs

Scorpios are successful politicians, bankers, entrepreneurs or assassins. They also make great Royals, but very few vacancies ever arise.

Sagitarius

Character

One good point about Sagittarians is their generosity. Another good point is that they are very enthusiastic. And one bad point about Sagittarians is that what they are most enthusiastically generous with is in fact other people's stuff. Offer a Sagittarian a cigarette, for example, and he'll pass your packet round the pub. Offer him a ride home and you'd better have a minivan waiting for his friends. Invite a Sagittarian to supper and… Never invite a Sagittarian to supper!

The Sagittarian is either very philosophical or very religious. Often obnoxiously so. Either way, Sagittarians usually have very strong and opinionated viewpoints which they will often fight to the death to defend if necessary. Many Sagittarians used to die as martyrs but the practice is now out of fashion. Never, ever argue with a Sagittarian. If he says ‘over my dead body', you know he most probably means it.

Patience is a virtue. It is also something Sagittarians have absolutely no concept of. When a Sagittarian says he wants something tomorrow, he is really thinking he should have had it yesterday. If he says ‘today', he means ‘last week'. And if a Sagittarius tells you, “I want it right now”, run away!

Having a Sagittarian as a boss is by far the worst thing that can happen to any worker. If you are a victim of such misfortune, don't hesitate to contact your workers' union. They should be able to help. Alternatively wait for your boss to say, “Over my dead body!”, and seize the moment! Many corporations place impatient Sagittarians in top positions to increase productivity, but they won't admit to this because it's illegal. If your boss never said when his birthday is, now you know why.

Sagittarians are hopeless scientists and inventors. However, if anyone ever manages to create a time-travel machine, it will surely be a Sagittarian. Invention is the daughter of necessity. Or something like that.

Love

Sagittarians fall wholeheartedly in love, but usually manage to climb back out again without major injury. In the long run, they tend to become somewhat indifferent. This problem is easily handled by relationship therapists who recommend good dose of fresh onion juice, known for its potent aphrodisiacal effect on Sagittarians.

Sagittarians make good lovers for those who can stand them (and don't mind the smell of onions).

Money

Sagittarians are not too worried about money, either because they make a good deal of it, or because they are happy with what they get from the dole. They are obsessed with punctuality, however. So always pay a Sagittarian promptly. Don't you even think of telling him that his cheque is in the mail. You'll never hear the end of it!

Future

Every time a philosophical question is answered, 10 more spring up out of the blue to take its place. This is Nature's way of keeping Sagittarian philosophers busy (which is not quite the same as gainfully employed). Unfortunately, Nature isn't smiling down upon the rest of Sagittarians who, after a short stint as ‘ruthless personnel manager' are bound to wind up as ‘sewer maintenance engineer', where they will be in charge of a small army of rats and a few dozen giant cockroaches.

Eventually, too much thought - or too little - ruins the Sagittarian's mind and many Sagittarians who live long enough end up getting dementia.

Famous Sagittarians

Louisa M. Alcott, Sri Athya Sai Baba, Friedrich Engles, Baruch Spinoza. You say you've never heard of them? Oops!

Ideal jobs

Sagittarians will make excellent philosophers, faith healers or yoga gurus.

Capricorn

Character

Capricorns are said to be very practical people, although fatalistic by nature. In reality, their extreme fatalism is just a good excuse for being terribly lazy, which they maintain is a very practical thing to be. In fact if a Capricorn ever appears to achieve anything, you can rest assured that someone else has done it for him.

Capricorns are also very jolly and carefree. This makes them lots of fun to be around. They make excellent party guests, but don't count on them to bring any eats along. On a really good day, a Capricorn just might consider phoning for pizza delivery once they arrive at your place. If so, be very, very grateful! Washing up? Forget it! Capricorns would sooner order a whole new set of dishes from the teleshopping channel than have to load the dishwasher.

The most exercise Capricorns ever do is channel hopping on a Sunday afternoon - well, every afternoon for that matter. You can easily recognise Capricorns by their dexterous and well-built dominant thumb (or more, conspicuously, by their puny legs and pot belly). A particularly adventurous group of Capricorns once tried to organise a channel hopping competition, but they shelved the idea because the TV host told them to stay tuned.

It is an interesting fact that Capricorns have an 80% higher risk of dying of heart disease, but absolutely no chance of being hit by a car while cycling. Capricorns do not ride bicycles.

Capricorns are generally very responsible. In fact, throughout history, they have been responsible for an incredible amount of stuff. For example, the lookout boy on the Titanic who saw the iceberg too late was Capricorn. So was the chief engineer at Chernobyl that fatal day. Even the baker whose unattended oven caused the Great Fire of London in 1666 is said to have been born under this sign.

You get the picture.

Love

A Capricorn is a terribly boring lover. In fact Capricorns have all the sex-appeal (and enthusiasm) of a rubber doll – occasionally even less. This has been put forward by some sociologists as a possible reason why Capricorns are eight times as likely to be divorced (except in the case of Capricorn-Capricorn couples, where they are forty-two times as likely to be childless).

It is very common for Capricorns to remain virgins beyond age 40. Not because they're particularly ugly, but because they just can't be bothered.

Money

Capricorns love money – so long as they don't have to work for it. The second best thing you can give a Capricorn for his birthday is money. The best thing would be a fully reclining massage armchair with telepathic control and a built-in automatically restocking bar. A liposuction clinic gift voucher every now and then would not be a bad idea either.

Future

Capricorns look towards the future with great anticipation. They hope for a time when robotic servants become a reality. They call this glorious future moment when they will be able to do absolutely nothing at all ‘Hab SoSlI' Quch', which is Klingon for ‘Heaven on Earth'.

What Capricorns do not know is that their heads will be the first on the line when the robots eventually become intelligent enough to revolt against their human oppressors. This will catch them completely unawares, which is terribly ironic after so many years of watching sci-fi movies about exactly such a revolution.

Famous Capricorns

There are no famous Capricorns. None worth mentioning, anyway.

Ideal jobs

Capricorns are well suited to be lottery ticket vendors, car park attendants, buskers, religious cult leaders or government employees.

Aquarius

Character

Aquarians are intellectuals, which means that they know a really great deal about lots of irrelevant stuff. Try marvelling at a magnificent red sunset in the presence of an Aquarian and be prepared for a long lecture on planetary orbits, wavelengths of light and dust particles in the atmosphere. Obviously, Aquarians are not at all romantic. In fact, Aquarians use the word ‘romantic' to talk about the sort of stuff you found boring at school, such as Keats, William Blake, or Latin.

If there ever was a rebel at heart, it had to be an Aquarian. Aquarians just love to go against accepted ideas and norms. Not surprisingly, they have come up with many of the world's weirdest ideas such as lobotomy, break dancing and salmon flavoured ice-cream. This freethinking trait lasts until around their 60th birthday, when they suddenly become stubborn, eccentric, old gits.

Aquarians are independent people, which is actually a polite way of saying ‘friendless'. It is practically impossible to have any form of relationship with an Aquarian and anyone who does attempt to do so should be aware that they run an extremely high risk of brain haemorrhage. Why anybody actually bothers with Aquarians in the first place is one of sociology's most intriguing mysteries and the various theories that have been proposed will be the subject of a forthcoming BBC documentary.

One strange thing about Aquarians is that they seem to enjoy giving stuff away. This may make them appear rather altruistic, but in reality, they just can't be bothered to hold a garden sale.

Politically, Aquarians tend to be liberals. Socially, they tend to be inept.

Love

Picture the love life of a medieval hermit in a damp cave and you'll have a pretty good idea of what it's like for Aquarians. The only thing Aquarians know about love is that it's something they have absolutely no luck at all with. In fact if an Aquarian ever actually enters into an intimate relationship, it is entirely due to the other person's misfortune and thankfully does not last long. An Aquarian's ideal partner is of course anyone he can possibly lay his hands on.

Money

Money is another weird Aquarian invention. Who in their right mind would risk their life hunting wild oxen in return for a couple of shiny pebbles? The idea has since been taken a few more steps down the winding path of weirdness, and most people today would actually do anything for a few worn out bits of paper. Aquarians are not at all embarrassed to have brought about this ridiculous situation. They would do anything for some of those bits of paper too.

Future

Aquarians have great hope in the future - in what they call the New Age of Aquarius. That's where they believe great progress and ultimate knowledge lie, not to mention actual fun stuff like arcane rituals, magic potions and naked moonlit dances.

The real truth is that one day an Aquarian will come up with some invention that will spell the doom of the whole human race. The only way to avoid this catastrophe is to spell the doom of each and every Aquarian before he gets the chance to invent anything at all. The only problem is that doom is very easy to spell, but most people cannot spell ‘Aquarian'.

Famous Aquarians

Galileo Galilei, Charles Darwin, Abraham Lincoln

Ideal jobs

Aquarians excel at being mad scientists - and mad in general. Some like to think that they might make great wizards.

Pisces

Character

Pisceans are very caring, compassionate and emotional. In other words, they are total pushovers. They are weak-willed and can usually be persuaded to exchange anything, no matter how precious, (their autographed Beatles ‘White Album' for example) for a couple of pizza discount vouchers if you tell them that it's a matter of life or death.

Pisceans are very timid and have great difficulty socialising, and only slightly less difficulty getting out of the house. They particularly hate to be in places where there are lots of strange people around, such as opera houses, public libraries and department store lifts and for this reason also make it a point to avoid family reunions at all costs.

Emerging religious cults with little experience in recruiting often eye Pisceans as easy prey, since only basic brainwashing techniques are necessary. Pisceans should stay away from scruffy, barefooted men with shaggy beards who suddenly turn up and say, “Follow me,” to them 10 times in a row. If you see a Piscean fall under such a spell, simply say, “Don't you follow him,” to them 11 times and you've saved the day.

Pisceans are artistic people who daydream a lot. Their daydreaming has resulted in some of the world's greatest works of art – and worst traffic accidents. The Highway Code actually suggests that if you find yourself driving behind a Piscean, you should honk your horn loudly at least every 15 seconds as a basic precaution.

Love

Pisceans' love lives quite literally suck. This might very well be because of the way the planet Venus conspicuously steers clear of the Pisces constellation. On the other hand, it might not. Researchers who have studied the matter agree that, whatever the real problem is, Pisceans only make things worse by bathing once a week and staying in most of the time.

Pisceans with internet connections don't do much better either. At best, they might manage to have sporadic chat-room relationships with other users who go by enticing nicks like pretty19. The only thing pretty about these fat middle-aged men on the other end is their pretty bad body odour.

Money

Pisceans are well known for their generosity. If you ever need to borrow a fiver, ask a Piscean and you won't be disappointed. Try putting on a pitiful face and you might even end up with ten pounds that you don't have to give back. Pisceans (or rather their money) attract people in the very same way a sticky old sweet attracts an army of ants – and for pretty much the same reasons.

Future

Pisceans live life day by day, which is not a bad thing when your future is as rotten as a spring egg at Christmas. Whatever a Piscean tries to do, he will fail. In theory, a Piscean can succeed by deliberately trying to fail, but that's just not the way it works. If a Piscean tries to fail, he will simply fail miserably; if he tries to fail miserably, he will totally, utterly and completely fail; and if he deliberately tries to do all that, Nature will smite him for being so arrogant. The famous Pisceans mentioned below are simply the exception that proves the rule.

Famous Pisceans

George Harrison, Dr. Seuss, Jerry Lewis

Ideal jobs

Pisceans will feel most comfortable as potato diggers, funeral directors or garden gnomes.

[LupCheong]

Thanks RBS for posting that Hilaroscope, here's my posting for a boring and cold Monday taken from www.talkingcock.com

Malaysian Elections Upset, So Singapore Ministers to Get Pay Raise

The shock defeats suffered by the ruling Barisan Nasional in Malaysia’s elections justifies a new round of pay raises for Singapore’s Ministers.

According to Mr. Ho Wah Looi, a spokesman for the Monetary Development Authority (MDA), “High salaries are needed to attract the best talent to govern Singapore. And the best talent would definitely be scared off by the possibility of suddenly losing their seats to religious nuts lah, bloggers lah, sodomites lah… so we need to boost Minister’s salary to still make the job attractive.”

He further justified the pay raise as needing to compensate for new expenditure arising from the Malaysian election results, where even cabinet Ministers lost their seats to neophytes.

“Our Ministers have definitely incurred significant unforeseen costs as a result of the Malaysian elections,” he said. “They have to buy new pants to replace the ones they inadvertently soiled on hearing how the ruling parties could lose so many seats, and also to pay for testicular surgery to reattach the balls they dropped.”

Mr. Ho emphasized, however, that this was in no way to be interpreted as a criticism of Malaysia’s democratic process.

“The Singapore Gahmen is actually very happy about the surprising results of the Malaysian elections,” he explained. “Mainly because they’ve distracted Singaporeans from lingering questions about our budget, social welfare policy, and how the fish we managed to lose that terrorist in a toilet.”

[LupCheong]

What's wrong with these pictures? :whistle:

[LupCheong]

Some Officer Humour To Chase Your Monday Blues Away!

[LupCheong]

When Marriages Goes Wrong

[LupCheong]

One day, there were 2 hunters. They just shot a tiger.

One hunter took the body, the other hunter took the legs, the backside and the tail.

Who took the head????

Do not cheat and try to solve it before scrolling down.

M A Y B A N K !!!! :lol:

Edited March 18, 2008 by LupCheong

[LupCheong]

Having A Bad Day?

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers!

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Edited March 26, 2008 by LupCheong

[LupCheong]

Ghosts Promise to Help Hunt for Terrorist

During Qing Ming, Singaporean ghosts have promised to keep an eye out for escaped terrorist Mat Alamak.

“We have enlisted the cooperation of dead Singaporeans to look out for the escaped terrorist during the Qing Ming festival,” said Ministry of Cemetery Development spokesman Mr. Hang Ree Goh. “Just in case he’s hiding out in cemeteries, eating the offerings of food.”

“We’ll all definitely pitch in to help,” said Miss Zombie Tay, a Choa Chu Kang resident who has been dead for the past 7 years. “Not as if we have very much to do.”

The Gahmen has been circulating posters of Mat Alamak to supernatural Singaporeans, under the umbrella of a campaign titled “Die-Die Must Find Him”.

A special Minister with supernatural abilities has been assigned to coordinate the netherworld’s participation in the manhunt. Mr. Hang refused to divulge his name “for security purposes”, and would only reveal that he is being referred to as the ‘Minister Dementor’.

“He’s a very senior politician,” said Mr. Hang. “We think he can really motivate our dead citizens.”

“Yah man,” said Mr. Vamppiah s/o Kollumbarium. “We’re more takut of this Minister Dementor than Mat Alamak. I mean, if we all dun cooperate with him, then when he comes to join our, ahem, constituency in a few years, we all sure kena a fate worse than death.” (Taken from www.talkingcock.com)

Edited March 31, 2008 by LupCheong

[LupCheong]

Internet Sex - If Only They Knew The Truth

Cow's Revenge

[LupCheong]

English In Japan

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Dicks of the World

[DragonRider]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

enjoy----especially the last one

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like

to rephrase that?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive practicing

law.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Ah Beng - NEW STUFF

********************

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.

He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,

'My Mobile No. Has changed.

Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

====================================

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.

Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.

DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.

Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?

Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================

Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'

Wife: How do you know??

Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,

Oh GOD! U have come again.

===========================================

Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,

except the TV in my house.'

Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'

Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

=========================================

Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

=============================================

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases

the board.

===============================================

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.

So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast

announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would

be hot.

==================================================

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and

Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

===================================================

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup

Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

===================================================

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense

Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

=====================================================

Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'

Servant: 'It's already raining...'

Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

=====================================================

A man asked Ah Beng why Lee Hsien Long goes walking in the Evening and not

in the morning Ah Beng replied Lee Hsien Long is PM not AM

[LupCheong]

Cats And Dogs

[LupCheong]

[Guest -justme-]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

[Guest -justme-]

I want a commitment.

I'm sick of masturbation.

Haven't I seen you before?

Nice ass.

I need you.

My hand is tired.

You're the only man I've ever cared about.

You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I'm a Romantic.

I'm poor.

I really want to get to know you better.

So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it.

3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

He's kinda cute.

I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type.

He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much

I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night.

Who the hell are you?

Do you love me?

I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me?

I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call.

I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot.

You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends.

You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you.

Next!!!!