should i break up with my hiv+ bf?

[new balance]

.

Edited October 15, 2017 by new balance

[MenBtySpa]

9 minutes ago, new balance said:

Recently, my bf of 7 years was diagnosed with HIV. Apparently, he had unprotected sex a few times with another boy about a year ago. 1 month later, the boy was diagnosed with HIV. My bf then went for testing, and was found to be negative. And so, he hide everything from me and continue to have unprotected sex with me for a couple of months. 

About 6 months ago, I went for an overseas student exchange program, and I ask him if he is okay to have a (safe) open relationship. He said he was fine but he will not look for other boys due to his tight working schedule and part-time course, and so I thought I was the only one playing around (and all protected of course), while for him, he pretended to be this loyal and faithful bf. 

 

I came back 2 weeks ago, and everything seems well, with him pretending to be loving and caring. Then a few days later, he told me he slept with a few boys, and some were unprotected. I forgave him, since I was the one who brought up the open relationship thing. I said I don't want to have sex with him until both of us went for check up, but he insisted, and so we had protected sex 1 time. 

 

1 week later, he told me 1 of his boys was diagnosed with syphilis, and I got really mad and refuse to talk to him. He then went for a check up immediately, and then was diagnosed with HIV. (Obviously he lied about the syphilis boy.) I was devastated. I told him I will stay by him and support him. Then 1 hour later, he finally confessed and told me about the boy he slept with 1 year ago (first paragraph). I was speechless, imagine the lies upon lies, and the possibility of spreading to me and his boys, which includes me and my boys. The next day, I went for a check up, and thank god, I was negative. But I am still uncertain because I had sex (protected) with him 1 a week ago. I will go for a confirmation check 3 months later. 

 

So here's the problem. He's a highly sensitive person and had history of depression. He is suicidal now. He refuses any form of help. I am his only source of "friend" whom he can talk to.

 

What should I do? Or rather, what will you do if you were me?

 

1st... you have to ask yourself... Do you LOVE him??

If you do... You should stay by him and give him all your positive support and forgive him for what have happen HAPPEN

 

2nd.. If you don't LOVE him any more..

Leave... Why are you going to yourself miserable with life

 

 I think that these are the only 2 option you have to think over yourself cos no one, I say NO ONE could make a decision for your own life 

 

I wish you all the best and also to your BF too.... 

HIV is not longer a death sentence now.. If he take his medication regularly.. he will live a healthy and normal life like you and me  

 

[dynox]

You don't stay with someone because you pity him. Pity is worst form of comfort. Somes guys might accept it but I won't.

 

As with most of my other comments, I'm just gonna imagine myself in your shoes and tell you what I would do. You can decide what you wanna do from there.

 

I would end the relationship, no question. Relationships require trust. I would have to trust my partner and know that if he does lie; his lies are there to protect me. It's not really trust if you ask someone to explain themselves. It's not something you enter into on a whim, or simply because you are seeking company. He broke that trust when he slept with other people without your knowing. While I personally dont like open relationships, I do understand the need for sexual release so I get why people do it. But if I were to enter into an OR, I would think that we would discuss about boundaries and rules, all of which that guy didn't do. There's no love there. No respect. For that reason I'll break up with him there and then no question. I don't need him to explain himself. Obviously I'm not enough for him and he doesn't even respect me enough to tell me. We could have worked something out. Everyone has their needs and being in a relationship requires compromise. If you don't like him sleeping around (which I assume you would be okay with since you asked for it too), you could just end the relationship there and be friends. It could have gone so much smoother. But from what I gather, the need for a relationship, and I use the term loosely because it honestly just looks more like a safety net for him), clouded his judgements.

 

Him having HIV is of no concern to me, neither is it a factor in my decision to break up with him. HIV, while serious, is treatable. Any remotely educated person would know that. And while there are risk to continue a relationship, in this day and age, it's really no big deal. THAT SAID, it shouldn't be taken lightly. Expenses can be high and health complications become more probably - so always be cautious. But since he already has it, I'd probably talk him through it, I'd share whatever I know about it and try to keep him as sane as possible. It's gonna be a tough transition for him, and not many people will be able to deal with it.

 

If he doesn't want me help just because I broke up with him, and make accusations that I'm judging him for him having this condition, then fine. I'll leave. I don't need someone who refuses help even after all the shit he has done. I don't trust him. But the love and care that I have had with him for 7 years is still there. I'm worried about him, as I should be. It's not pity. It's everything that we have built. Speaking in your shoes of course.

 

wow.... long post... anyways I hope that helps. And I'm pretty sure people are gonna disagree so you're gonna get a lot of other opinions. So take it all in before coming to a decision. There's also the option of forgiving him for all of it. But I'll admit, even I'm not strong enough to forgive him. I might, given some time. We need to trust each other again.

Edited March 20, 2017 by dynox

[new balance]

I still love him, but he is not accepting my love. He only thinks that I pity him because of his illness. Maybe because he feels guilty after all the lies and that I should hate him. I also know that I should, but I don't. You can't just remove all my memories overnight for someone who has been through thick and thin for the past years.

 

Now i don't want to have any sexual relationship with him, I just want to be there for him, as a bf or friend, it doesn't matter. 

 

Thanks for all your advices

Edited March 20, 2017 by new balance

[lovehandle]

3 hours ago, new balance said:

I still love him, but he is not accepting my love. He only thinks that I pity him because of his illness. Maybe because he feels guilty after all the lies and that I should hate him. I also know that I should, but I don't. You can't just remove all my memories overnight for someone who has been through thick and thin for the past years.

 

Now i don't want to have any sexual relationship with him, I just want to be there for him, as a bf or friend, it doesn't matter. 

 

Thanks for all your advices

isn't that obvious now? just be a friend for him

[Guest Guest]

36 minutes ago, lovehandle said:

isn't that obvious now? just be a friend for him

Be a friend, but don't need to be lovers.

[adiff]

Here's my 2 cents on this

 

considering that he has cheated on you, and that has broken one of the cardinal essence in a relationship which is trust, i will truly find it advisable for u to contemplate long and hard about him being your romantic partner. 

 

About him being suicidal and diagnosis, and him refusing any form of help, i hope you dont mind if I suggest that you give him some space for him to wrap his head around the diagnosis. The diagnosis is still a major issue in his life albeit that the condition is very manageable and doesn't affect one's mortality and longevity much with proper care and medication nowadays. 

 

Leave him a note before you retreating for awhile so that he will be rest assured that he is left alone by you temporarily not because you hate him, but because you want him to utilize the space to wrap his head around this diagnosis and regain his strength. In the meantime, if it is not too much for me to suggest, you can do the contemplation and deep thinking about his perfidy and his diagnosis as well. You need to heal as well. He is not the only one hurting. You are hurt as well. I hope you understand that i hope you dont strive to help him at the expense of your own welfare and wellbeing. 

 

Thanks for reading my 2 cents

[richrussell25]

Well, it's KARMA. Just left him. He is not worth for you. He deserved it. He should appreciate you in the first place. "KARMA exist and GOD is fair", that's what my friend told me last time, before we lost in touch long time ago. 

[abang]

Come on, you have loved this guy for so long and you are going to abandon him because of his medical condition.

He is currently undergoing massive trauma in his life and you definitely should not add one more problem to the mess.

Instead of seeking the easy way out, why dont you be more sympathetic and realise that what has happened, cannot be changed.  

 

You ought to show your compassion towards him especially in this vulnerable times.

No one wants to be contracted but if the inevitable happens, so be it,

 

You should give your utmost support and supervise that he consumes his medicine accordingly,

Don't allow him to fall into the vortex of self-pity and regret.

All of us will die one way, just sooner or later but at least, we want to die with dignity and not with hatred and depressions.

 

让爱继续。。用你无私的爱奉献给那彷徨的人。。

送上张惠妹的“彩虹”

 

 

[koolkai]

Please support him and do not abandon him. He needs your care and concern and moral support. But no intimate relationship and I don't think both of you will think of it too at this moment in time.

[new balance]

Thank you all for your advices, i really appreciate it. Yes in a way it is his karma, but i also cannot abandon him base on all the love i have received for the past years. At the moment now i will stand by him, give him the space he needs, and be there when he needs me. 

 

I really hope all of you out there to be safe and healthy, to protect ourselves, and let this be a reminder for all of us once again. Life can be simple, fragile or complex, depending on how you want it to be. 

[Guest Get Real]

My qn to u now is if u stand by him now ..how are you going to fulfil your own sexual needs ？

Are you going to stay as a friend to him or still as a lover? Even so surely you will also fear should there be any intimacy you may get infected too ?

No doubt Hiv is no longer a death sentence ..pls be truthful to yourself all the forumers..do you wish to be Hiv positive and just treat it as a normal kind of sickness？ 

Sorry I.don't mean to be blunt or mean 

..I just find that all the talk is cheap .

Unless you are really Hiv positive then the real test will come for you to see whether you can come to terms with it , embrace it with all the positive mind set .

Just my opinion anyway .

If its me I will.just remain as a friend to him to support him but not as a lover.

 

 

[lovehandle]

many didn't bother to read, newbalance is not trying to abandon him at all

[doncoin]

@new balance You no longer trust your bf. Once trust is gone, it is can be very difficult to regain, unless you both agree to some form of couples' counseling. You will end up paranoid to some degree about anything he tells you, wondering if it is true or not. It is going to take a long and difficult time to regain the trust and your bf has to be willing to put up with it. You will subconsciously punish him in ways you don't even think of for the hurt he caused you. So, decide on a course of action, and if you are going to work it through, couples' counseling is a must. 

[wantonmee]

aside from infidelity and whether u wanna continue the relationship etc etc...

 

if anyone is suicidal, it is only responsible for anyone who knows to provide some guidance.

 

you, may not be the best person, so you may need to convince him to get some professional help and support.

 

[wantonmee]

like

 

(you cannot give any more likes for today... got such a thing wor... lol)

 

6 hours ago, hannibalism said:

this.

 

don't ask for opinions here, not for this, especially, because no one else is living your life and your choices.

 

what do you want to do? if you're really feeling lost, go seek help. find a counsellor and talk to him/her. figure out what you want to do next. and then if you choose to help him, figure out how to do that.

 

[azuchan]

A relationship is a 2 way affair.

 

It might be that your bf is trying to push you away out of guilt or shame.

 

It's up to you and him to reevaluate your the relationship you have with him in order to see what path/s are available for the both of you.

 

Maybe set a fixed amount of time separate from each other to let him gather his thoughts and emotions first, and come back on an agreed date to discuss things calmly.

 

Just remember that HIV is no longer a death sentence. It's a manageable infection in the long term, albeit a serious one.

 

I wish you guys all the best. 

[Guest Sociable]

Is there any way for positives to find other interested positives for dating? Once everything is under control, life must go on. 

 

There are must  be many positives who are just as hunky, likable, intelligent as their uninfected peers, and would be deeply understanding friends.

[auscent]

You need some time off to heal you hurt, and meet your own needs too. If that means cooling off emotionally on days he needs you its ok. Tell him that. It doesnt mean you dont care for him. 

 

He has responsibility including to you, to take care of his depression.

 

Take care mate.

[Steve5380]

On 3/20/2017 at 9:01 AM, new balance said:

 At the moment now i will stand by him, give him the space he needs, and be there when he needs me. 

 

Good that you take the right approach. You will be blessed for that.

And about the relationship?  You were already agreeable to an open relationship, and now even more you can pursue it free of guilt.

And the TRUST?  No big deal.

Now you know more about him than before, and you can put limits to your trust.  Lies are not capital sins.

We cannot even trust ourselves, since we sometimes lie to us.

Hopefully he recovers well, and you find good reasons to stay with him.

 

[snowball]

Love relationship cannot be one sided, beside trust, both must give and take then able to go long way, 

if currently you unable to feel like you are fall in love, you have to ask yourself, are you happy with it, 

if you are lonely and sad, perhaps you be frank to your own feeling, good luck

[snowball]

not in love relaionship does not mean that you no longer care for him and ignore him totally

[Alson]

Firstly if u still love him or not.

 

If you still love him, the second step is to go with him to see his HIV Specialist whom you can get the full information of being in a relationship with a HIV Positive person and get all the right information and would not create fear to yourself due to misinformation of a HIV, its treatment and the concern of making love etc.

 

All the best !

[Steve5380]

5 hours ago, Beaumont said:

Firstly if u still love him or not.

 

If you still love him, the second step is to go with him to see his HIV Specialist whom you can get the full information of being in a relationship with a HIV Positive person and get all the right information and would not create fear to yourself due to misinformation of a HIV, its treatment and the concern of making love etc.

 

All the best !

 

You don't need to go to a "HIV Specialist".  Google for example "How is HIV transmitted" and you will know that it is practically impossible to get HIV from a HIV+ person living with you unless to have unprotected sex with him. It is especially safe if he follows an antiviral treatment  and his viral load is undetectable.

[Guest Thots]

Interesting comments:  http://gayety.co/health/hiv/ask-hiv-positive-guy#

 

[Guest Jones32]

You should for your iwn sake otherwise you'll get infected.

[Steve5380]

9 hours ago, Guest Jones32 said:

You should for your iwn sake otherwise you'll get infected.

 

Nonsense.

[gc0805]

he has betrayed ur trust, unless of course, both of u r in an open relationship.

but even then, he had been totally irresponsible and reckless by having unprotected sex with other guys. And in doing so,  he had put ur life at risk as well. now, that's really selfish.

do urself a favour. move on, without him. before he messes up ur life any further.

Edited August 12, 2017 by gc0805

[atropine]

On 20/03/2017 at 2:55 PM, new balance said:

Recently, my bf of 7 years was diagnosed with HIV. Apparently, he had unprotected sex a few times with another boy about a year ago. 1 month later, the boy was diagnosed with HIV. My bf then went for testing, and was found to be negative. And so, he hide everything from me and continue to have unprotected sex with me for a couple of months. 

About 6 months ago, I went for an overseas student exchange program, and I ask him if he is okay to have a (safe) open relationship. He said he was fine but he will not look for other boys due to his tight working schedule and part-time course, and so I thought I was the only one playing around (and all protected of course), while for him, he pretended to be this loyal and faithful bf. 

 

I came back 2 weeks ago, and everything seems well, with him pretending to be loving and caring. Then a few days later, he told me he slept with a few boys, and some were unprotected. I forgave him, since I was the one who brought up the open relationship thing. I said I don't want to have sex with him until both of us went for check up, but he insisted, and so we had protected sex 1 time. 

 

1 week later, he told me 1 of his boys was diagnosed with syphilis, and I got really mad and refuse to talk to him. He then went for a check up immediately, and then was diagnosed with HIV. (Obviously he lied about the syphilis boy.) I was devastated. I told him I will stay by him and support him. Then 1 hour later, he finally confessed and told me about the boy he slept with 1 year ago (first paragraph). I was speechless, imagine the lies upon lies, and the possibility of spreading to me and his boys, which includes me and my boys. The next day, I went for a check up, and thank god, I was negative. But I am still uncertain because I had sex (protected) with him 1 a week ago. I will go for a confirmation check 3 months later. 

 

So here's the problem. He's a highly sensitive person and had history of depression. He is suicidal now. He refuses any form of help. I am his only source of "friend" whom he can talk to.

 

What should I do? Or rather, what will you do if you were me?

this kind of topic, i guess you already knew what to do but just come here to seek opinions that go in line with your thoughts.

 

You wouldn't even post if you are determined to stay by his side..

 

Well honestly, everybody makes mistakes. He got his lesson by getting HIV and that he should start protecting others from getting the virus, its a social responsibility and that he could have a brush with the law if he decided to hide the fact from his consensual partner before sex.

 

Also, you should go for a check up as well, you shouldn't focus on his too much but also give yourself a fair share of time to sit down and think through your life with him.

 

Don't get me wrong, i'm not sowing discord here but its a matter of fact that you are already shaken..